Parankimala is in mourning. Half the city switched off the neons,
brought down the flexboards, tore apart the festoons the day the yellow brigade
was ground to dust by a goal machine in their own backyard. The lights had gone
out of their lives, it seemed.
The other half was still hopeful. Their god still ruled the skyline in
these parts. Messi was everywhere. He came in mundu, lifted halfway and tied
around his waist, in avatars of Rajinikanth, Mohanlal and Mammootty. No, no
Sachin Tendulkar. Not because the fans hadn’t heard of the cricket god, but
because they hadn’t seen him in mundu.
In one corner of the city, Kutty’s Tea & Toddy had put up a poster
of the Argentina star telling the faithful, “Messi oru thadavai shonnaal, nooru
thadavai shonna maathiri.”
That was last week. This Sunday it all changed. Messi proved he too is
human. Like Karna, in his battle of his life, the genius forgot his
brahmastras, and missed the target by inches, yards and miles.
“Everyone says the Germans deserved to win. That they played well, so
they won. Bullcrap,” Kutty said to a group of tourists from India at his shop,
editing the last word to avoid offending a couple of censor board officials
present in the group.
“But they did play well throughout the tournament. They were the most
consistent,” one of the listeners said.
“The truth is always behind the scenes, I will take it to my grave. The
world will never get to know that.”
“Come on Kutty,” said Georgio, the detective’s biggest fan and abettor.
His prodding invariably made Kutty open up. And when Dhanno also joined the
conversation, wanting to know the secret, Kutty had no option.
“See, it started on June 12. A trend. I got to know of it when my old friend Velayudhan Kutty called me from Bangalore. He told me all the teams he was supporting were losing. Unimaginable because these were teams strong on paper, and in form. Yes, you could say their rivals played better football, but there was a reason for their playing bad football.”
“Oh, like that. Then what did you tell him?”
“It is all written in the stars. These days it is very fashionable to ridicule things like horoscopes but there is a science, logic and reasoning behind it.”
“See, it started on June 12. A trend. I got to know of it when my old friend Velayudhan Kutty called me from Bangalore. He told me all the teams he was supporting were losing. Unimaginable because these were teams strong on paper, and in form. Yes, you could say their rivals played better football, but there was a reason for their playing bad football.”
“Oh, like that. Then what did you tell him?”
“It is all written in the stars. These days it is very fashionable to ridicule things like horoscopes but there is a science, logic and reasoning behind it.”
“Oh, OK.”
Kutty surveyed his audience, saw faces lit up with interest.
“Often it is not enough that the stars are in your favour. If your supporters are having a very bad time, they will drag you down.”
“OK. So, Spain might have best alignment of stars but if their fans are not equally blessed, they could be in trouble.”
“Exactly. The teams’ fortunes are linked to that of their most fanatic fans,” Kutty explained, “And Velu, though India doesn’t play the World Cup, is crazy about 3-4 teams.”
“What did you tell him?”
“Are you sure you want to hear this? I don’t want to bore you, you know.”
“Yes, please,” the demand was unanimous.
“We spoke a long time, but I will give you a gist.”
*****************************************
FLASHBACK
SCENE 1, ACT 1
“See Velu, the harm is already done. You are late.”
“No, the team I support is taking the field tomorrow. Argentina. Something can be done I am sure.”
“I can try. Send me your date of birth and time of birth.”
I then took out the board and marbles I use to do fortune-telling.
“Hmm, Velu, the stars are not aligned in your favour. Rahu is on the left, that means 2+2+5+6+8… Kethu is Left of Centre… 23+3-2+3-2…”
“If you have trouble counting, I have a calculator here.”
“Can’t you just shut up? I will have to count again. Rahu is on the left, that means 2+1+4+3+2… Kethu is Left of Centre… 12+1-2+3-5…”
“Kutty, I think you are doing it wrong. Earlier the numbers were different.”
“Stupid, you interrupt again. The stars are not stationary, they keep changing position. I will have to count again.”
“But astrology is based on the theory that stars don’t move.”
“Can’t you just shut up? How many times should I repeat astrology is a science. It keeps evolving with every new discovery of stars, planetary systems, galaxies.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Let me start again. Rahu is on the left, that means 3+1+5+2+1… Kethu is Left of Centre… 12+2-3+4-3… Gulikan is right of Centre, that is 12+3+3+2+1… Shukran is right below 21+3-1+5+2… That makes it 30.”
“What does it mean?”
“It means bad news. Very bad news. No point holding it back from you. Can you bear it? Be strong.”
“Please don’t tell me Argentina will lose.”
“First tell me do you support just Messi or the entire team.”
“I have been an Argentina fan since 1986, when I saw Maradona kiss that World Cup.”
“Then it is worse than I thought. Velu, your stars are not in the right order. You suffer from a rare astrological phenomenon called ‘Mithram Parajayam Dasha’. Whoever you support will be booted out. But my wicked mind has a solution.”
“What?”
“Why don’t you switch over? Start supporting some other team.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Whenever there is an Argentina match, support their rivals. Be vocal about your support. Post messages on Facebook and Twitter. Slowly even you will start believing you are supporting the other team.”
“That’s very logical.”
“I will also suggest some measures that will accentuate your ‘Mithram Parajayam Dasha’. Are you ready?”
“Bring it on, Kutty. You will not find a more willing subject. I feel like a spy already, living a false life like you do.”
“Turn your television, it should now be on the western side of the room.”
“How do I know which direction is the west?”
“The best way is to wake up early and see where the sun is rising from. But you may check the compass app on your iPhone.”
“OK.”
“When you watch the matches, you should keep one leg on a teapoy or a similar three-legged piece of furniture and the other leg on the floor.”
“OK.”
“You should keep a red handkerchief in the pocket. If you don’t have one, a red rose will do.”
“Done. If Argentina win, I will treat you the best arrack you can get in Idukki.”
FLASHBACK 1 ENDS
*********************************************
Kutty rose from his chair to get a vodka-sambharam.
“Then what went wrong,” asked Dhanno.
“Velu followed my instructions to the ‘t’ and managed to get Argentina into the final. But then everything went wrong.”
“What happened?”
“In the final, he did what was needed of him till that fateful phone call.”
Like any good story teller, Kutty let the suspense fill the air.
“At some point in the match, he got a call from Kamakshi, his lover. He did his best to shake her off, but she wouldn’t let go.”
“Then what?”
“I don’t know if I should be telling you this. See the world will go topsy-turvy if this thing gets leaked. This is the football world cup we are talking about not the cricket, whose fans are used to fixing and betting.”
“Oh come on Kutty,” Dhanno borrowed the chair next to him from Georgio, caressed his hair, “How many stories you have told us, have we leaked any of it? Never. Your secret is safe with us.”
Having got the right incentive and a possibility of a great night ahead, Kutty continued.
******************************
FLASHBACK 2
SCENE 1 (VELU IN CONVERSATION WITH KAMAKSHI)
“Velu, do you like me?”
“Yes honey, I love you.”
“Did you see the sky tonight. Clear like a crystal.”
“My friend Kutty tells me crystals can’t be clear, it is the impurities that make them look like that.”
“I can count the number of stars in the sky. One there, two to its left, three to its right… Come on Velu get outside. We will count the stars together.”
“Don’t be childish. How can we count the stars together? I am in Indiranagar, you are in Jayanagar.”
“But the sky is the same. Come on, get outside.”
“I can’t. I am watching the world cup final. Germany versus Argentina. The next one will be four years later. I miss it now, I have to wait another 4 years.”
“You are worried about the 4-year wait. What about me? I have been waiting for saath janam. Tell me now. Do you love me or not?”
“I do, honey. It is just that I want Germany to win tonight. Muller will score two goals. That’s my prediction. And Klose will score one. We will win 3-0. You just wait.”
“I like Messi, he is so cute. Isn’t he a genius?”
“What genius? He plays for a good team, Barcelona, where he has good company. Against Germany, he can’t do anything. Just see how we are marking him. He is not getting any space at all. We won’t let him pee even, without us watching him. Hahahaha.”
“Hohohoho. You think you have cracked a joke. All Messi needs is one moment in 90 minutes to weave his magic. And with all you defenders marking him, our other players will get space to score a goal.”
“Argentina has one Messi, we have 11 players who all play the same level of football. We have another six waiting on the bench to get on the field.”
“Messi will score.”
“No.”
“Do you love me or not?”
“Why do you do that to me? Always emotionally blackmailing me.”
“Then say Messi will score and I will forgive you.”
“Can’t you girls just drink like us and go to bed? Messi won’t score, no, no, no.”
“Who do you want? Muller or me?”
“Arre baba, it is only one night, let me watch the match.”
“If you love me, come on the balcony.”
“I told you, I can’t.”
“Did you see Bangalore Days?”
“We went together, remember.”
“Is that so, I thought I went with Ramesh.”
“Who is this Ramesh? Tell me now.”
“See, you got jealous.”
“No, not at all. I can live with that. I am mature.”
“Like Fahadh Faasil in Bangalore Days?”
“Don’t start doing that. Comparing me with Fahadh.”
“Why can’t I?”
“He is acting. It is just a movie. In real life, he is a jerk.”
“I don’t believe it. He is so tough. He oozes confidence.”
(Velu takes off his shirt, takes a selfie of his six-pack and sends it to Kamakshi.)
“Does Fahadh have that? A six-pack?”
“Shah Rukh, Aamir and Salman have it, and they are all 50 years old. You are jealous.”
“No, I am not. I am just trying to make you see reason.”
“Fahadh doesn’t need a six-pack. He is tough without one. The way he looks at me, ooommmmmaaaa.”
“Kamakshi you are being unfair, eh. That was a bloody film.”
“Did you see Nivin Pauly in that film? Any girl would want to be with him. So confident, and funny. The jokes he cracks, I fell off the chair laughing.”
“Oh those stale ones from Khushwant Singh’s joke book.”
(Velu swears at the Sardar, mumbles, ‘He wrote novels, edited newspapers, why the fuck did he have to publish joke books.’)
“No, they weren’t from Khushwant Singh’s joke book. I have read them. They were original ones.”
“Don’t you remember the joke I cracked when we were at the Barista’s on Brigade Road on Simi’s birthday? None of Nivin’s jokes comes close to it.”
“O!O! We laugh at your jokes to please you. Nivin is any day better than you when it comes to jokes.”
“Kamakshi, in the film did you see how Nivin was fooled by the air hostess? He spent all the money, and she sleeps with some hunk. Such a loser he is.”
“That Isha Talwar is a *****.”
“Messi just missed a chance. I told you this is Muller’s night. He is going to score two goals.”
“Don’t try to change the topic Velu. And Dulquer Salman. Isn’t he cool? He looks sexy in those sunglasses.”
(Velu takes another selfie, this time with sunglasses on, and sends it to Kamakshi)
“Is he better than that?”
“Who wears sunglasses at night? Velu, you are jealous.”
“No, I am not.”
“Oh God, how Dulquer rides the motorcycles. Fast and furious. The wheelies, perfect.”
“I can do better wheelies, it is just that I don’t break the law.”
“No, you can’t.”
“I will, just give me a chance.”
“No, you can’t. And whatever you say , Fahadh, Nivin and Dulquer are cool. I love them.”
“For god’s sake, they are all married, Kamakshi.”
“So what?”
“Now you are being unreasonable.”
“One last time, Velu do you love me or not?”
“I love you with all my heart.”
“Then come to the balcony, let us count the stars.”
“OK, I am coming.”
(Velu and Kamakshi start counting the stars together)
“One there, two to its left, three to its right, four, five, six, below the fifth one… “
FLASHBACK 2 ENDS
********************************
Kutty turned to his spellbound audience, which by now had grown by a few hundreds. The news had spread how Argentina lost the final, and no one in Parankimala wanted to miss the story.
“They counted and counted and counted till they reached 1,12,349. Then Kamakshi got bored and went to sleep. Velu returned to his TV, and saw the Germans kissing the World Cup. Messi was nowhere to be seen.”
“See Velu, the harm is already done. You are late.”
“No, the team I support is taking the field tomorrow. Argentina. Something can be done I am sure.”
“I can try. Send me your date of birth and time of birth.”
I then took out the board and marbles I use to do fortune-telling.
“Hmm, Velu, the stars are not aligned in your favour. Rahu is on the left, that means 2+2+5+6+8… Kethu is Left of Centre… 23+3-2+3-2…”
“If you have trouble counting, I have a calculator here.”
“Can’t you just shut up? I will have to count again. Rahu is on the left, that means 2+1+4+3+2… Kethu is Left of Centre… 12+1-2+3-5…”
“Kutty, I think you are doing it wrong. Earlier the numbers were different.”
“Stupid, you interrupt again. The stars are not stationary, they keep changing position. I will have to count again.”
“But astrology is based on the theory that stars don’t move.”
“Can’t you just shut up? How many times should I repeat astrology is a science. It keeps evolving with every new discovery of stars, planetary systems, galaxies.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Let me start again. Rahu is on the left, that means 3+1+5+2+1… Kethu is Left of Centre… 12+2-3+4-3… Gulikan is right of Centre, that is 12+3+3+2+1… Shukran is right below 21+3-1+5+2… That makes it 30.”
“What does it mean?”
“It means bad news. Very bad news. No point holding it back from you. Can you bear it? Be strong.”
“Please don’t tell me Argentina will lose.”
“First tell me do you support just Messi or the entire team.”
“I have been an Argentina fan since 1986, when I saw Maradona kiss that World Cup.”
“Then it is worse than I thought. Velu, your stars are not in the right order. You suffer from a rare astrological phenomenon called ‘Mithram Parajayam Dasha’. Whoever you support will be booted out. But my wicked mind has a solution.”
“What?”
“Why don’t you switch over? Start supporting some other team.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Whenever there is an Argentina match, support their rivals. Be vocal about your support. Post messages on Facebook and Twitter. Slowly even you will start believing you are supporting the other team.”
“That’s very logical.”
“I will also suggest some measures that will accentuate your ‘Mithram Parajayam Dasha’. Are you ready?”
“Bring it on, Kutty. You will not find a more willing subject. I feel like a spy already, living a false life like you do.”
“Turn your television, it should now be on the western side of the room.”
“How do I know which direction is the west?”
“The best way is to wake up early and see where the sun is rising from. But you may check the compass app on your iPhone.”
“OK.”
“When you watch the matches, you should keep one leg on a teapoy or a similar three-legged piece of furniture and the other leg on the floor.”
“OK.”
“You should keep a red handkerchief in the pocket. If you don’t have one, a red rose will do.”
“Done. If Argentina win, I will treat you the best arrack you can get in Idukki.”
FLASHBACK 1 ENDS
*********************************************
Kutty rose from his chair to get a vodka-sambharam.
“Then what went wrong,” asked Dhanno.
“Velu followed my instructions to the ‘t’ and managed to get Argentina into the final. But then everything went wrong.”
“What happened?”
“In the final, he did what was needed of him till that fateful phone call.”
Like any good story teller, Kutty let the suspense fill the air.
“At some point in the match, he got a call from Kamakshi, his lover. He did his best to shake her off, but she wouldn’t let go.”
“Then what?”
“I don’t know if I should be telling you this. See the world will go topsy-turvy if this thing gets leaked. This is the football world cup we are talking about not the cricket, whose fans are used to fixing and betting.”
“Oh come on Kutty,” Dhanno borrowed the chair next to him from Georgio, caressed his hair, “How many stories you have told us, have we leaked any of it? Never. Your secret is safe with us.”
Having got the right incentive and a possibility of a great night ahead, Kutty continued.
******************************
FLASHBACK 2
SCENE 1 (VELU IN CONVERSATION WITH KAMAKSHI)
“Velu, do you like me?”
“Yes honey, I love you.”
“Did you see the sky tonight. Clear like a crystal.”
“My friend Kutty tells me crystals can’t be clear, it is the impurities that make them look like that.”
“I can count the number of stars in the sky. One there, two to its left, three to its right… Come on Velu get outside. We will count the stars together.”
“Don’t be childish. How can we count the stars together? I am in Indiranagar, you are in Jayanagar.”
“But the sky is the same. Come on, get outside.”
“I can’t. I am watching the world cup final. Germany versus Argentina. The next one will be four years later. I miss it now, I have to wait another 4 years.”
“You are worried about the 4-year wait. What about me? I have been waiting for saath janam. Tell me now. Do you love me or not?”
“I do, honey. It is just that I want Germany to win tonight. Muller will score two goals. That’s my prediction. And Klose will score one. We will win 3-0. You just wait.”
“I like Messi, he is so cute. Isn’t he a genius?”
“What genius? He plays for a good team, Barcelona, where he has good company. Against Germany, he can’t do anything. Just see how we are marking him. He is not getting any space at all. We won’t let him pee even, without us watching him. Hahahaha.”
“Hohohoho. You think you have cracked a joke. All Messi needs is one moment in 90 minutes to weave his magic. And with all you defenders marking him, our other players will get space to score a goal.”
“Argentina has one Messi, we have 11 players who all play the same level of football. We have another six waiting on the bench to get on the field.”
“Messi will score.”
“No.”
“Do you love me or not?”
“Why do you do that to me? Always emotionally blackmailing me.”
“Then say Messi will score and I will forgive you.”
“Can’t you girls just drink like us and go to bed? Messi won’t score, no, no, no.”
“Who do you want? Muller or me?”
“Arre baba, it is only one night, let me watch the match.”
“If you love me, come on the balcony.”
“I told you, I can’t.”
“Did you see Bangalore Days?”
“We went together, remember.”
“Is that so, I thought I went with Ramesh.”
“Who is this Ramesh? Tell me now.”
“See, you got jealous.”
“No, not at all. I can live with that. I am mature.”
“Like Fahadh Faasil in Bangalore Days?”
“Don’t start doing that. Comparing me with Fahadh.”
“Why can’t I?”
“He is acting. It is just a movie. In real life, he is a jerk.”
“I don’t believe it. He is so tough. He oozes confidence.”
(Velu takes off his shirt, takes a selfie of his six-pack and sends it to Kamakshi.)
“Does Fahadh have that? A six-pack?”
“Shah Rukh, Aamir and Salman have it, and they are all 50 years old. You are jealous.”
“No, I am not. I am just trying to make you see reason.”
“Fahadh doesn’t need a six-pack. He is tough without one. The way he looks at me, ooommmmmaaaa.”
“Kamakshi you are being unfair, eh. That was a bloody film.”
“Did you see Nivin Pauly in that film? Any girl would want to be with him. So confident, and funny. The jokes he cracks, I fell off the chair laughing.”
“Oh those stale ones from Khushwant Singh’s joke book.”
(Velu swears at the Sardar, mumbles, ‘He wrote novels, edited newspapers, why the fuck did he have to publish joke books.’)
“No, they weren’t from Khushwant Singh’s joke book. I have read them. They were original ones.”
“Don’t you remember the joke I cracked when we were at the Barista’s on Brigade Road on Simi’s birthday? None of Nivin’s jokes comes close to it.”
“O!O! We laugh at your jokes to please you. Nivin is any day better than you when it comes to jokes.”
“Kamakshi, in the film did you see how Nivin was fooled by the air hostess? He spent all the money, and she sleeps with some hunk. Such a loser he is.”
“That Isha Talwar is a *****.”
“Messi just missed a chance. I told you this is Muller’s night. He is going to score two goals.”
“Don’t try to change the topic Velu. And Dulquer Salman. Isn’t he cool? He looks sexy in those sunglasses.”
(Velu takes another selfie, this time with sunglasses on, and sends it to Kamakshi)
“Is he better than that?”
“Who wears sunglasses at night? Velu, you are jealous.”
“No, I am not.”
“Oh God, how Dulquer rides the motorcycles. Fast and furious. The wheelies, perfect.”
“I can do better wheelies, it is just that I don’t break the law.”
“No, you can’t.”
“I will, just give me a chance.”
“No, you can’t. And whatever you say , Fahadh, Nivin and Dulquer are cool. I love them.”
“For god’s sake, they are all married, Kamakshi.”
“So what?”
“Now you are being unreasonable.”
“One last time, Velu do you love me or not?”
“I love you with all my heart.”
“Then come to the balcony, let us count the stars.”
“OK, I am coming.”
(Velu and Kamakshi start counting the stars together)
“One there, two to its left, three to its right, four, five, six, below the fifth one… “
FLASHBACK 2 ENDS
********************************
Kutty turned to his spellbound audience, which by now had grown by a few hundreds. The news had spread how Argentina lost the final, and no one in Parankimala wanted to miss the story.
“They counted and counted and counted till they reached 1,12,349. Then Kamakshi got bored and went to sleep. Velu returned to his TV, and saw the Germans kissing the World Cup. Messi was nowhere to be seen.”
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