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Congress (Saritha): Jasoos Kutty's letter to Sonia Gandhi
(From the archive: Written on July 12, 2013)
From
Jasoos Narayanan Kutty,
World's Best Detective,
India
To
Sonia Gandhi,
President,
Indian National Congress,
24, Akbar Road,
New Delhi
India -- 110011
Subject: The Trouble in Kerala Congress
Dear Madam,
I am aware you are at your wits' end handling the Congress mess in Kerala. After watching your helplessness over the last two weeks, I cannot but offer my unsolicited services to India's oldest political party. I have come to my conclusions after hours of experimentation and study aided by the most modern tools in investigation. Here are my observations.
a) Mukul Wasnik, your leader in charge of Kerala, is a hard-working, no-nonsense politician who performs his duties to the best of his abilities. I had a peek at the powerpoint presentation he is preparing for you - it is a detailed study of what's ailing Kerala and I must admit he has hit bull's eye. Many traditional dishes of Kerala are getting extinct because of the shortage of naadan kallu or toddy. Kallappam is no more what it used to be. The story of naadan fish curry is the same, as the cultivation of tamarind comes down drastically. What's more troubling is the absence of true practitioners of Kerala cuisine. Now we have started importing manpower from Nepal to make parotta. I know he is speaking from experience, his menu this time had butter naan and dal makhni. Wasnik's study is a good thesis on vanishing Kerala dishes and might earn him a doctorate from the Jawaharlal Nehru University, but if you want to know what Saritha Nair is up to, you have to ask me.
b) You cannot fault Kerala's ministers for their affection for entrepreneur Saritha Nair. My friend Arvin Vincent, in his award-winning work, has proved that the Malayalee's soft corner for names beginning with 's' is the result of a particular strand in DNA found only between Thiruvananthapuram and Kasaragode. I did my own bit of digging and have found conclusive proof that validates the theory. Take a look at the women who have captivated the Malayalee male - Shobha, Shobhana, Shwetha, Suhasini, Sumalata, Sunanda, Shakila, Silk Smitha, Saritha, Shalu...
c) Critics of Congress see sleaze in the latest solar panel scam that has put a cloud over Kerala chief minister Oommen Chandy. If that is so, why can't they show some proof - like a video of them in the act. An entire state has been waiting, but the CPM has disappointed us.
d) I have reason and evidence to believe Saritha Nair is a true businessperson who knows the tricks and plays by the rules. No one has become rich without being a little dishonest. She knows it, so she frauds people. I say 'very impressive'.
e) Don't read much into the success of the hartal called by the Left Front. We Malayalees take hartal seriously, in fact very seriously. But we do make sure essential services like hospitals and bars are open even during hartals.
f) Muraleedharan, son of former chief minister K Karunakaran, wants to know if Saritha made late-night calls to ministers and Congress leaders to read the Bhagavat Gita to them. I find that insulting to Saritha. Who reads the Gita anyway? I would like to add a bit of gossip here. Many of these leaders apparently don't take calls made by Murali. But I can't fault them for this. To be honest, I would prefer Saritha's company to his any day.
g) In the absence of clear-cut advice from the high command, local leaders of the Congress are running around like headless chickens. Pardon me for taking liberties, I have advised them to remain loyal to their leaders. Many have since then issued statements confessing their phone calls to Saritha.
h) For over 30 years the spoils of power have been shared by the Karunakaran faction and the Antony faction in Kerala. Now the Saritha faction is indisputably the biggest bloc in the party, with two Union ministers and several state ministers in it. Please keep this in mind when you divide seats in the Lok Sabha elections.
i) If you can't find a suitable post for Saritha Nair in your party, I would be grateful if you let me know. I am in urgent need of a telemarketer.
Always at your service
Yours sincerely
Narayanan Kutty
From
Jasoos Narayanan Kutty,
World's Best Detective,
India
To
Sonia Gandhi,
President,
Indian National Congress,
24, Akbar Road,
New Delhi
India -- 110011
Subject: The Trouble in Kerala Congress
Dear Madam,
I am aware you are at your wits' end handling the Congress mess in Kerala. After watching your helplessness over the last two weeks, I cannot but offer my unsolicited services to India's oldest political party. I have come to my conclusions after hours of experimentation and study aided by the most modern tools in investigation. Here are my observations.
a) Mukul Wasnik, your leader in charge of Kerala, is a hard-working, no-nonsense politician who performs his duties to the best of his abilities. I had a peek at the powerpoint presentation he is preparing for you - it is a detailed study of what's ailing Kerala and I must admit he has hit bull's eye. Many traditional dishes of Kerala are getting extinct because of the shortage of naadan kallu or toddy. Kallappam is no more what it used to be. The story of naadan fish curry is the same, as the cultivation of tamarind comes down drastically. What's more troubling is the absence of true practitioners of Kerala cuisine. Now we have started importing manpower from Nepal to make parotta. I know he is speaking from experience, his menu this time had butter naan and dal makhni. Wasnik's study is a good thesis on vanishing Kerala dishes and might earn him a doctorate from the Jawaharlal Nehru University, but if you want to know what Saritha Nair is up to, you have to ask me.
b) You cannot fault Kerala's ministers for their affection for entrepreneur Saritha Nair. My friend Arvin Vincent, in his award-winning work, has proved that the Malayalee's soft corner for names beginning with 's' is the result of a particular strand in DNA found only between Thiruvananthapuram and Kasaragode. I did my own bit of digging and have found conclusive proof that validates the theory. Take a look at the women who have captivated the Malayalee male - Shobha, Shobhana, Shwetha, Suhasini, Sumalata, Sunanda, Shakila, Silk Smitha, Saritha, Shalu...
c) Critics of Congress see sleaze in the latest solar panel scam that has put a cloud over Kerala chief minister Oommen Chandy. If that is so, why can't they show some proof - like a video of them in the act. An entire state has been waiting, but the CPM has disappointed us.
d) I have reason and evidence to believe Saritha Nair is a true businessperson who knows the tricks and plays by the rules. No one has become rich without being a little dishonest. She knows it, so she frauds people. I say 'very impressive'.
e) Don't read much into the success of the hartal called by the Left Front. We Malayalees take hartal seriously, in fact very seriously. But we do make sure essential services like hospitals and bars are open even during hartals.
f) Muraleedharan, son of former chief minister K Karunakaran, wants to know if Saritha made late-night calls to ministers and Congress leaders to read the Bhagavat Gita to them. I find that insulting to Saritha. Who reads the Gita anyway? I would like to add a bit of gossip here. Many of these leaders apparently don't take calls made by Murali. But I can't fault them for this. To be honest, I would prefer Saritha's company to his any day.
g) In the absence of clear-cut advice from the high command, local leaders of the Congress are running around like headless chickens. Pardon me for taking liberties, I have advised them to remain loyal to their leaders. Many have since then issued statements confessing their phone calls to Saritha.
h) For over 30 years the spoils of power have been shared by the Karunakaran faction and the Antony faction in Kerala. Now the Saritha faction is indisputably the biggest bloc in the party, with two Union ministers and several state ministers in it. Please keep this in mind when you divide seats in the Lok Sabha elections.
i) If you can't find a suitable post for Saritha Nair in your party, I would be grateful if you let me know. I am in urgent need of a telemarketer.
Always at your service
Yours sincerely
Narayanan Kutty
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