PM Modi's midnight GST session

Jasoos Kutty and the mystery of Gau Raksha

I usually don’t reveal any State secrets. But this one the world needs to know. I won’t reveal the names of the characters in national interest, but narrate the rest of the events as truthfully as I can.

There are two groups of scientists who are working on something that will shape the world we are living in in the coming years. You might have read it in newspapers, but for those who don’t read newspapers and don’t watch TV channels, here is a Dummy’s Guide. No, I am not talking about the Aryan invasion theory, this one is much much more important. Climate change.

As I had written in a post earlier, a group of scientists and propagandists are working on highlighting the bad effects of eating beef – both health-wise and spiritually – so that consumption of beef comes down, cutting down carbon emissions that eat into the all important ozone layer. With this, India would meet a significant portion of its emission target.

But there is a world out there which is refusing to give up beef. Like the Chinese, the Americans, the Europeans, the Arabs, Donald Trump… They just a give a damn about climate change. Now beef consumption is not the only thing that increases emissions. Cow farts do too. So this group of scientists is working on making cattle feed that reduces cow farts. Now you beef eaters don’t tell me you eat beef to reduce farts and all. I don’t buy that argument.

Unknown to these two groups, a third party has also gotten involved. North Korea. It all started with a whatsapp forward of a Malayalee RSS worker explaining the uses of cow dung and cow urine. It is a well-known fact that there is a Malayalee in every corner of the world. Neil Armstrong, Tenzing Norgay and Misbah-ul Haq have already attested to the fact. A Malayalee tea shop owner in Pyongyang received the forward and the North Korean intelligence got wind of it. Of particular interest to them was the bit that said cow dung has weapons grade plutonium and that cow urine and dung can withstand nuclear explosions.

A classic case of killing two birds with one bullet. If Pyongyang can lay hands on these research papers they can meet their demand for plutonium without any help from China or Pakistan. More troubling still is the possibility of building a nuclear shield with cow dung and urine. Such a low-cost invention will sink the millions of dollars invested by not just Koreans but also other powers in building atom bombs. What a waste.

So the major spy agencies of the world -- CIA, MI6, Mossad, KGB’s step son FSB, Mossad and RAW -- came together to work out a plan. Pakistan’s ISI and Chinese intelligence were not invited as it was feared they would tip off the Koreans. As these agencies are facing tremendous funds crunch, it was decided to outsource the job to RAW. The Indian spies were told to make a presentation and I was hired as a consultant by the CIA in view of RAW’s habit of overstating things.

This is how the presentation went.

Mission: Elimination of Suspect X

Option 1: Malappuram kathi/knife

Strengths

• Oldest and simplest weapon
• Easy to acquire, tough to trace
• Cheapest option, only flight and service charges apply

Risks

• Can’t underestimate Korean scientists, they might know karate
• Things could get messy in the event of a scuffle
• If DNA evidence of assassin is left behind, cost escalates 

Option 2: Transistor bomb

Strengths

• Simple and effective
• Can be activated by remote

Risks

• Transistors out of fashion, Koreans might not pick an abandoned radio
• Worse they might sell it to an antique collector, then we have a ticking transistor bomb

Option 3: Letter bomb
Strengths

• Don’t quite know, will be using it for the first time

Risks

• A nosy receptionist might open the letter

Option 4: Mobile phone bomb
Strengths

• Can be easily placed near the scientist
• Can be triggered by a phone call

Risks

• Call drops normal in India, entire operation fails

Option 5: Cyanide poisoning
Strengths

• Our speciality, long experience in it
• Can be easily mixed in the scientist’s butter chicken
• Can spike scientist’s Old Monk and Dal Makhani too, all bases covered

Risks

• The oil and spices in butter chicken could dilute the cyanide

Option 6: Plutonium poisoning
Strengths

• 100% result assured

Risks

• Plutonium not readily available, where can we steal it from?
• Agents not used to this, need special training abroad

**********************************

After the RAW delegation made its presentation, I was called in separately for my opinion.

“Friends, they are unreliable in these kind of operations. So far they have not been able to kill even Dawood Ibrahim,” I did some plainspeak. This was appreciated by the foreign spy chiefs.

“So what do you say,” asked the MI6 chief, “Do we need to send some of our guys.”

“There is an easier and cost-effective method. I can get the work done for half the price,” I said, sipping my Martini.

“We trust you, it shouldn’t be traced back to us, the payment will be routed to your account in Cayman Islands.”

“Consider it done I said.”

After the spy chiefs left, I dialled +91********** and to be doubly sure, whatsapped the details too.

The next day the newspapers reported a foreign national was lynched by a mob that suspected him of eating beef. The police had recovered large amounts of cow dung and urine from the victim.

India's lynch mobs

The tragedy of being Anil Kumble

In all classrooms there is a student, who despite getting 90+ in all subjects, is unable to get into the top 5 because he scores poorly in drawing. In Indian cricket, Anil Kumble is that student.

India had a Trinity, the Big Three, a sort of P5 or G7 – Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid. Later it got expanded to include new geniuses Virender Sehwag and V V S Laxman and became the Big Five. Still no Kumble. Whichever way you look at it, logically or illogically, Kumble should have been there. He took 619 Test wickets, Six Hundred Nineteen of them. He is the only Indian bowler, and the second in the world, to have taken 10 wickets in an innings. A perfect 10, a Nadia Comaneci. 

We talk about Tendulkar asking Sivaramakrishnan to bowl on the rough outside leg stump to prepare for Shane Warne. But we don’t remember Warne bowling over after over, hour after hour, leg cutters on the middle stump, letting Tendulkar comfortably leave the ball, before delivering that one flipper which fooled the Master, catching him leg before wicket.  

That is the life of a bowler.

Both Warne and Kumble were strategisers. Each of their wicket was a plot. But one never became a captain and the other had to wait his turn, till Tendulkar, Ganguly and Dravid finished theirs. That too as a filler before Mahendra Singh Dhoni could step in. As captain he won three and lost five Tests, but gave a memorable win over Australia on the Perth pitch, one that remained untamed for a long time.  

Ask which Indian team deserved to win the World Cup, we would safely say the ones which had Tendulkar, Ganguly, Dravid, Sehwag, Laxman and Kumble in it. Barring Sachin and Sehwag, none has a World Cup to show for their 20 years of toil. And all those years, Kumble had been watching from the outfield what happened on the pitch. Were there times when he thought, “No, someone else should have bowled that over, or there should have been a fielder at point, why was he removed…”?  I am sure there were. After all, he was a strategiser.

The Indian coach’s job finally gave Kumble an opportunity to live that dream. He didn’t win a World Cup as a player, maybe he could as a coach. On paper, the timing was right. India had a young team, Kumble was much, much senior. He would have been the guy to look up to. But times have changed, cricket has changed, stars have realigned. Kumble is past, Kohli is future. Money rides on Kohli, and nothing overrides money.

CBI raid on NDTV

Peacock sex, beef fry & gau mutra

Those who have been to Junglistan would know there are two designated free speech zones here. One is the chayakkada (teashop) run by Ittooppu the goat, and the other the bar run by Mallan. At these two places you can say anything, you can eat anything. Yes, even beef fry.

“One old monk large and BDF,” Murali, the editor of Junglistan Times gave his order.

“You still drink that cow piss,” said Vakeel Kittunni, sipping his single malt, “The editor of our republic’s largest selling newspaper still drinks Old Monk like he used to do in college.” The two or three hours they spent in the bar, they made full use of their freedom. This was one place where you could talk of gau mutra without standing in attention. They relished this freedom. So much so there was a big spike in the number of drinkers and Junglistan now has a drinking problem.

“I am not liking this crowd here. Where do all these people come from? Why did the Supreme Court shut down those bars?” said Kuyilamma, the cuckoo.

“This is just the beginning. The news is the Supreme Court is fighting the 2019 Lok Sabha elections. These politicians have failed us, it is time the judges took over,” said Kittunni, the best gossip in town, who had eyes and ears in every room in the country, mostly bedrooms.

“But they will have to quit their posts first,” Murali took out his notepad, he sensed a scoop here.

“It is all about interpretation of the Constitution. And who interprets it? The Supreme Court.”

“Hi guys, look what I have got,” Mayilamma and Mayilappan, the jungle’s prettiest couple walked in holding a bottle of charayam.

  
All the chatter stopped, an awkward silence followed.

“I don’t think they have seen the news,” whispered Thathamma the parrot. She hopped across to Mayilamma, “You have been through this for a long time and you never told us. We could have helped. How is your marriage holding up?”

“What problem?”

“Come on, don’t hide anything from us, we are your friends.”

“We are not hiding anything,” Mayilamma was getting edgy.

“It is all over the news. You never had sex, and sex is the bedrock of marriage. You could argue love is, but you need to have sex,” Kuyilamma tried to console Mayilamma.

“What nonsense? We have had four kids.”

“Like we don’t know,” Kaakka the crow joined the conversation, “All these years you were drinking Mayilappan’s tears to conceive.”

“When I saw you buy the rope and whip I thought you two were into bondage,” said Thathamma, “and it happens you were beating the shit out of him to make him cry.”

At this point, Pachu and Kovalan pulled Mayilappan to the side.

“Mr Mayilappan, you sex life is your private affair,” said Pachu, “But you must think of us men as a whole. How can you let her get away with this?”

“Poor man, he has endured a lot, don’t be harsh,” said Kovalan, playing the good cop, “What is the problem? Tell us. We are here to help you.”

“Is she cheating on you?” said Achu and Pichu joining the conversation, “Oh my god, she is seeing someone else.”

“No, no, we are perfectly fine,” said Mayilappan.

“Then what is it. You need some medication or something, you know something like Viagra-Shiagra.”

“I told you there is no problem.”

“Then why the hell are you not having sex with her?” Pachu was in no mood to let go.

“See Mr Mayilappan, you must understand your wife is challenging our manhood. If they don’t need us for sex, what do they need us for,” Pichu said.

“It is the ultimate feminist dream you fucker,” Pachu hit Mayilappan in the groin.

“Have you heard Darwin’s theory of evolution,” Kovalan continued, “If for another two generations you guys don’t have sex and this disease spreads, there won’t be men anymore.”

“Our fate is in your hands,” Achu said, “The fate of Y chromosome. I don’t want to become a dinosaur.”

“And what is with this tears? We men aren’t supposed to cry.” Pachu said.

In another corner Thathamma and Kuyilamma huddled over vodka and juice.

“I always envied Mayilamma. She had everything. The most handsome guy,” Thathamma.

“Me too, I had a crush on Mayilappan for the longest time,” said Kuyilamma.

“Don’t they say god doesn’t give anyone everything,” said Thathamma, whose daily diet included four hours of Malayalam television serials.

“Such perfect body,” drooled Kuyilamma, “Why does he have to go to the stylist and gym to keep in shape? If he can’t do it why the pretense?”

“I always found him pretentious and I don’t like such guys,” said Thathamma.

Mayilamma by now had enough of it. “Bhaiyon aur behenon, we lead a happy sex life. We have sex a couple of times every week.”

“Then prove it,” said Pachu.

“Do it here,” said Kovalan.

“Don’t be crazy,” said Mayilappan taking a seat right next to Murali, who was typing furiously on his phone, sending the flashes, “Go ask the judge who said it.”

“You guys are all stupid,” said Nandini the cow, who had become rich overnight. Of late there has been so much demand, she has not been able to supply enough urine and dung to her buyers in the city.

“How can anyone reproduce without intercourse?” Nandini said, “Yes, there is one way and only one way. If you drink my urine. It cures everything from cancer to infertility. My guess is it works in insemination too.”

“Bullshit,” said Murali.

“No, I believe her,” said Pachu, Kovalan, Achu and Pichu.

“And why would that be so?”

“It came in WhatsApp yesterday,” said the chorus, “and if it is in WhatsApp it must be true.”