Peacock sex, beef fry & gau mutra

Those who have been to Junglistan would know there are two designated free speech zones here. One is the chayakkada (teashop) run by Ittooppu the goat, and the other the bar run by Mallan. At these two places you can say anything, you can eat anything. Yes, even beef fry.

“One old monk large and BDF,” Murali, the editor of Junglistan Times gave his order.

“You still drink that cow piss,” said Vakeel Kittunni, sipping his single malt, “The editor of our republic’s largest selling newspaper still drinks Old Monk like he used to do in college.” The two or three hours they spent in the bar, they made full use of their freedom. This was one place where you could talk of gau mutra without standing in attention. They relished this freedom. So much so there was a big spike in the number of drinkers and Junglistan now has a drinking problem.

“I am not liking this crowd here. Where do all these people come from? Why did the Supreme Court shut down those bars?” said Kuyilamma, the cuckoo.

“This is just the beginning. The news is the Supreme Court is fighting the 2019 Lok Sabha elections. These politicians have failed us, it is time the judges took over,” said Kittunni, the best gossip in town, who had eyes and ears in every room in the country, mostly bedrooms.

“But they will have to quit their posts first,” Murali took out his notepad, he sensed a scoop here.

“It is all about interpretation of the Constitution. And who interprets it? The Supreme Court.”

“Hi guys, look what I have got,” Mayilamma and Mayilappan, the jungle’s prettiest couple walked in holding a bottle of charayam.

  
All the chatter stopped, an awkward silence followed.

“I don’t think they have seen the news,” whispered Thathamma the parrot. She hopped across to Mayilamma, “You have been through this for a long time and you never told us. We could have helped. How is your marriage holding up?”

“What problem?”

“Come on, don’t hide anything from us, we are your friends.”

“We are not hiding anything,” Mayilamma was getting edgy.

“It is all over the news. You never had sex, and sex is the bedrock of marriage. You could argue love is, but you need to have sex,” Kuyilamma tried to console Mayilamma.

“What nonsense? We have had four kids.”

“Like we don’t know,” Kaakka the crow joined the conversation, “All these years you were drinking Mayilappan’s tears to conceive.”

“When I saw you buy the rope and whip I thought you two were into bondage,” said Thathamma, “and it happens you were beating the shit out of him to make him cry.”

At this point, Pachu and Kovalan pulled Mayilappan to the side.

“Mr Mayilappan, you sex life is your private affair,” said Pachu, “But you must think of us men as a whole. How can you let her get away with this?”

“Poor man, he has endured a lot, don’t be harsh,” said Kovalan, playing the good cop, “What is the problem? Tell us. We are here to help you.”

“Is she cheating on you?” said Achu and Pichu joining the conversation, “Oh my god, she is seeing someone else.”

“No, no, we are perfectly fine,” said Mayilappan.

“Then what is it. You need some medication or something, you know something like Viagra-Shiagra.”

“I told you there is no problem.”

“Then why the hell are you not having sex with her?” Pachu was in no mood to let go.

“See Mr Mayilappan, you must understand your wife is challenging our manhood. If they don’t need us for sex, what do they need us for,” Pichu said.

“It is the ultimate feminist dream you fucker,” Pachu hit Mayilappan in the groin.

“Have you heard Darwin’s theory of evolution,” Kovalan continued, “If for another two generations you guys don’t have sex and this disease spreads, there won’t be men anymore.”

“Our fate is in your hands,” Achu said, “The fate of Y chromosome. I don’t want to become a dinosaur.”

“And what is with this tears? We men aren’t supposed to cry.” Pachu said.

In another corner Thathamma and Kuyilamma huddled over vodka and juice.

“I always envied Mayilamma. She had everything. The most handsome guy,” Thathamma.

“Me too, I had a crush on Mayilappan for the longest time,” said Kuyilamma.

“Don’t they say god doesn’t give anyone everything,” said Thathamma, whose daily diet included four hours of Malayalam television serials.

“Such perfect body,” drooled Kuyilamma, “Why does he have to go to the stylist and gym to keep in shape? If he can’t do it why the pretense?”

“I always found him pretentious and I don’t like such guys,” said Thathamma.

Mayilamma by now had enough of it. “Bhaiyon aur behenon, we lead a happy sex life. We have sex a couple of times every week.”

“Then prove it,” said Pachu.

“Do it here,” said Kovalan.

“Don’t be crazy,” said Mayilappan taking a seat right next to Murali, who was typing furiously on his phone, sending the flashes, “Go ask the judge who said it.”

“You guys are all stupid,” said Nandini the cow, who had become rich overnight. Of late there has been so much demand, she has not been able to supply enough urine and dung to her buyers in the city.

“How can anyone reproduce without intercourse?” Nandini said, “Yes, there is one way and only one way. If you drink my urine. It cures everything from cancer to infertility. My guess is it works in insemination too.”

“Bullshit,” said Murali.

“No, I believe her,” said Pachu, Kovalan, Achu and Pichu.

“And why would that be so?”

“It came in WhatsApp yesterday,” said the chorus, “and if it is in WhatsApp it must be true.”