Jasoos Kutty and the mystery of Gau Raksha

I usually don’t reveal any State secrets. But this one the world needs to know. I won’t reveal the names of the characters in national interest, but narrate the rest of the events as truthfully as I can.

There are two groups of scientists who are working on something that will shape the world we are living in in the coming years. You might have read it in newspapers, but for those who don’t read newspapers and don’t watch TV channels, here is a Dummy’s Guide. No, I am not talking about the Aryan invasion theory, this one is much much more important. Climate change.

As I had written in a post earlier, a group of scientists and propagandists are working on highlighting the bad effects of eating beef – both health-wise and spiritually – so that consumption of beef comes down, cutting down carbon emissions that eat into the all important ozone layer. With this, India would meet a significant portion of its emission target.

But there is a world out there which is refusing to give up beef. Like the Chinese, the Americans, the Europeans, the Arabs, Donald Trump… They just a give a damn about climate change. Now beef consumption is not the only thing that increases emissions. Cow farts do too. So this group of scientists is working on making cattle feed that reduces cow farts. Now you beef eaters don’t tell me you eat beef to reduce farts and all. I don’t buy that argument.

Unknown to these two groups, a third party has also gotten involved. North Korea. It all started with a whatsapp forward of a Malayalee RSS worker explaining the uses of cow dung and cow urine. It is a well-known fact that there is a Malayalee in every corner of the world. Neil Armstrong, Tenzing Norgay and Misbah-ul Haq have already attested to the fact. A Malayalee tea shop owner in Pyongyang received the forward and the North Korean intelligence got wind of it. Of particular interest to them was the bit that said cow dung has weapons grade plutonium and that cow urine and dung can withstand nuclear explosions.

A classic case of killing two birds with one bullet. If Pyongyang can lay hands on these research papers they can meet their demand for plutonium without any help from China or Pakistan. More troubling still is the possibility of building a nuclear shield with cow dung and urine. Such a low-cost invention will sink the millions of dollars invested by not just Koreans but also other powers in building atom bombs. What a waste.

So the major spy agencies of the world -- CIA, MI6, Mossad, KGB’s step son FSB, Mossad and RAW -- came together to work out a plan. Pakistan’s ISI and Chinese intelligence were not invited as it was feared they would tip off the Koreans. As these agencies are facing tremendous funds crunch, it was decided to outsource the job to RAW. The Indian spies were told to make a presentation and I was hired as a consultant by the CIA in view of RAW’s habit of overstating things.

This is how the presentation went.

Mission: Elimination of Suspect X

Option 1: Malappuram kathi/knife

Strengths

• Oldest and simplest weapon
• Easy to acquire, tough to trace
• Cheapest option, only flight and service charges apply

Risks

• Can’t underestimate Korean scientists, they might know karate
• Things could get messy in the event of a scuffle
• If DNA evidence of assassin is left behind, cost escalates 

Option 2: Transistor bomb

Strengths

• Simple and effective
• Can be activated by remote

Risks

• Transistors out of fashion, Koreans might not pick an abandoned radio
• Worse they might sell it to an antique collector, then we have a ticking transistor bomb

Option 3: Letter bomb
Strengths

• Don’t quite know, will be using it for the first time

Risks

• A nosy receptionist might open the letter

Option 4: Mobile phone bomb
Strengths

• Can be easily placed near the scientist
• Can be triggered by a phone call

Risks

• Call drops normal in India, entire operation fails

Option 5: Cyanide poisoning
Strengths

• Our speciality, long experience in it
• Can be easily mixed in the scientist’s butter chicken
• Can spike scientist’s Old Monk and Dal Makhani too, all bases covered

Risks

• The oil and spices in butter chicken could dilute the cyanide

Option 6: Plutonium poisoning
Strengths

• 100% result assured

Risks

• Plutonium not readily available, where can we steal it from?
• Agents not used to this, need special training abroad

**********************************

After the RAW delegation made its presentation, I was called in separately for my opinion.

“Friends, they are unreliable in these kind of operations. So far they have not been able to kill even Dawood Ibrahim,” I did some plainspeak. This was appreciated by the foreign spy chiefs.

“So what do you say,” asked the MI6 chief, “Do we need to send some of our guys.”

“There is an easier and cost-effective method. I can get the work done for half the price,” I said, sipping my Martini.

“We trust you, it shouldn’t be traced back to us, the payment will be routed to your account in Cayman Islands.”

“Consider it done I said.”

After the spy chiefs left, I dialled +91********** and to be doubly sure, whatsapped the details too.

The next day the newspapers reported a foreign national was lynched by a mob that suspected him of eating beef. The police had recovered large amounts of cow dung and urine from the victim.