5 lessons for Rahul Gandhi from Gujarat elections

Play according to pitch
Winning an election is like playing a Test match. You have to read the pitch correctly. In Gujarat Rahul Gandhi read the pitch correct. In a state where 90% of the population is Hindu, in a state which is an advertisement for Hindutva, in a state that swears by the Gujarat model, in a state where Muslims have been reduced to political irrelevance, soft Hindutva was the right and only option. Rahul did what needed to be done, he lost the plot in the slog overs.

Never go on the defensive 
Those days when batsmen grafted runs and battled to save a Test are over. Most elections in the recent past have thrown up a clear winner. So playing for a draw is not an option. The fight for Gujarat began well for the Congress. Rahul raised questions about business dealings of Amit Shah’s son, but later he lost steam. Give the voter a talking point every now and then.


Fight Bodyline with Bodyline
Narendra Modi and Amit Shah are the Douglas Jardine of Indian politics. There is no limit they won’t cross to win an election. In the final stages of the campaign when PM Narendra Modi accused the Congress of conspiring with Pakistan to win Gujarat elections, Rahul Gandhi and company went numb. They had no clue how to deal with the beamers. Against such hostile attacks, inane comments like ‘hum pyaar ki boli bolenge’ don’t work. Having been fed steroids for a long while, people of Gujarat , or for that matter India, are not going to settle for a cup of coffee. So accuse Modi of doing something nastier, the Indian voter may not fall for it, but they enjoy this kind of mud-slinging. If not that, Rahul could have said something like, ‘Modi went to Pakistan uninvited and gatecrashed a wedding, if he wanted a hara bara kebab, we could have got them for him from a dhaba here (make sure you don’t say Karim’s). You get the idea.

Underarm bowling is fair
In a match there are many things a captain may not want to do but gets his players to do it. Outsource such work to state leadership, they know the pitch better than you, let them bat freely. Elections are about divisions, caste divide vs Hindu-Muslim divide etc. In Karnataka, Siddaramaiah has his own fringe army - the Kannada activists - to fight the parivar fringe. The ban on Sunny Leone for instance. Even before the likes of Sri Ram Sene could raise an issue, the Kannada activists entered the stage and stole the show. They even insisted Sunny wear a saree. It couldn’t have gotten better. Please don’t spoil it by reining in Sidda anna.

Migrate to cities
Politics of 2 rotis a day doesn’t work anymore. India is rapidly urbanising, people are shifting from farming to other activities, nobody can win power by not winning the urban votes. Dump garibi hatao, coin a new slogan. Ghar ghar, ek car, or something more materialistic and aspirational. No, free pastas and pizzas through PDS won’t do.

Here is raising a toast to Modi and Rahul. Keep us entertained.

After Aiyar's 'neech' remark, Modi alleges Cong-Pak nexus

Rahul playing soft Hindutva, he has no reasons to be ashamed of it

Politics is not for nice people. You may act the simpleton but deep inside, you must have that ruthless streak that makes you do anything to win. Victory at any cost. Modi and Shah know it, they are proud of it, and they are praised for it. When they make derogatory statements, they are lapped up without any question.

Now with Rahul Gandhi, the story is different. He will rehearse every line he says, at times makes a total mess of it, though he does it less these days after taking lessons from me, but he rarely makes casteist or communal comments. For example, he won’t be caught saying ‘Modi is Khilji ka aulad or Modi is Aurangzeb.’ He might say ‘Modi is Mohammed bin Tughlaq’, but that is not a reference to religion but to policies pursued by his rival.

Rahul won’t say ‘neech’, for one probably he doesn’t know the meaning of it, two his speech writer seems to be a decent guy. But Rahul will be hauled over the coals for remarks made by loose cannons like Mani Shankar Aiyar, who does it to his own partymen too. He had once wondered how did Ajay Maken use the word ‘dichotomy’ in his letter to PM Manmohan Singh as he was just a B.A. (Pass) from Hansraj College and couldn’t have had the brains to know the meaning of the word.

And Rahul will definitely not accuse Modi of plotting with Pakistan to win Gujarat elections. But Prime Minister Narendra Modi did just that today. He might do more than that tomorrow. Now get one thing, Modi, when he makes these baseless charges, knows or certainly hopes the Gujarati voter will believe him.

Modi has reasons to think so. Nobody reads Gujarat’s mind like Modi, he has won election after election there. The state has 90% Hindu population, among the highest concentration in the country. They have been fed Hindutva steroids for years now, and many of them can’t live without it. Fifteen years after one of the bloodiest riots broke out in Gujarat, there is still no remorse. In fact the violence is held out as an example to minorities elsewhere in the country.

When a Rahul Gandhi steps out to campaign, he is appealing to this set of voters. Right now they are addicted to Hindutva and de-addiction can’t happen in a day. Merely talking about vikas or development won’t help, like Subramanian Swamy said once. “Even Manmohan gave development, but he lost,” he often says while demanding construction of Ram Mandir.

So when Rahul gives his war cry against a GST or a demonetisation, he may have to make it from the Somnath temple or any other temple he can spot. It definitely can’t come from a masjid.  You can’t annoy a considerable chunk of 90% voters to show solidarity with 10% voters who anyway are voting for you. Rahul Gandhi may be accused of playing soft Hindutva, but in light of recent happenings, he has no reason to be ashamed of it. And mind you, it is not Modi or Rahul who is on test, it is the Gujarati voter who is on test.  

The Hadiya divide: which side are you on?

For close to a year we have been debating if Shafin Jahan would be a good husband for Hadiya. How nice and caring of us! Especially when most of us in our personal lives find comfort in others’ miseries. It’s a bitter truth, but admit it. For instance, whenever the electricity goes, the first thing I do is ring the neighbour’s bell and see if it’s working. If it doesn’t, well and good. But if it does, then I end up abusing everyone from the power minister to the lineman. The point is we are that kind of people.

Now the trouble is Hadiya is a 25-year-old woman. In India, every woman above the age of 18 can marry whoever she wants. We didn’t question Manju Warrier when she married Dileep, did we? Somewhere deep in our hearts, ഹൃദയത്തിന്റെ വടക്കു കിഴക്കേ അറ്റത്ത്, we all felt she deserved better, but we lived with it.

So what’s different? Hadiya was once upon a time Akhila, a Hindu. And she  married a Muslim. Many conspiracy theorists see love jihad in it. But then what is love jihad? A sinister plot hatched somewhere in the alleys of Syria or Iraq by Abū Bakr al-Baghdadi or possibly the last terror strike by Osama bin Laden before he was taken down by American special forces?

Now there is a problem with that theory. We are then saying women are brainless creatures incapable of anything, not even making their own personal choices like what food to eat, what dress to wear, who to make their partner, which is not a nice thing to say even if you believe it to be true. Every love affair in that case is a terror plot.

Hadiya may be the victim of a conversion racket, but she is certainly not a victim of love jihad. And even if she is a victim of a conversion racket, she is a willing victim. It’s her choice, she is free to follow any religion she wants to.

But let us not deny the existence of a conversion racket. Hadiya did not fall in love with Shafin Jahan. The marriage was arranged by her guardian and Popular Front worker Zainaba. It’s an old trick employed across every sector. It’s called establishing ownership. At a time when Akhila’s conversion to Hadiya was under challenge in the high court, Zainaba and her friends in PFI sought to arrange a wedding. Once the marriage takes place, the conversion is sealed and can’t be undone, so to say.

And long before that, when Akhila approached her friends’ father for advice on knowing Islam better, she was sent to the Sathya Sarani, run by the PFI. Let us be honest. If my daughter’s Muslim friend comes to me wanting to know more about Hinduism, would I send her to the nearest Bajrang Dal office? Never. At the most, I would ask her to read Amar Chitra Katha.  

PS: 1) The article reflects the mood of Kerala, albeit in a mild manner 2) Hadiya’s father by constantly calling Shafin Jahan a terrorist is labelling Muslims as terrorists. Totally uncalled for

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Tipu Sultan, the love jihad king?

These days the regulars at Mallan’s bar in Junglistan have a new ritual. They toss a coin to decide what to drink. If it’s ‘heads’, they drink vodka or white rum or arrack or tequila and discuss international affairs. If it’s ‘tails’, they drink whisky or bourbon or rum or beer and discuss Indian history. They adopted this ritual after coming to know this is how English TV channels decide their primetime.

Today the coin said Indian history. The next step is what topic to fight over. They watch TV to decide that. For example tonight they fought over Tipu Sultan. And they are truly democratic in these sparring sessions. These are equal-opportunity drinking fests. They don’t hold your ignorance against you. What it means is the bar always has very lively charayam pe charchas.

“What I don’t like about Tipu Sultan is he converted thousands and thousands of Hindus,” said Kittunni Vakeel, arguing his case with the same vigour he defends his clients in the court.    

“Yes, just think of it,” said Swami Bhojanananda, the spiritual voice of the Jungle republic, “This Ibrahimkutty sitting right next to us was a Hindu once upon a time.”

“His ancestors were, you mean,” corrected Mayilamma, the peahen. You know her as the world’s only species that conceives by drinking tears.

“Yes, of course. If Tipu hadn’t lost his way and come here, Ibrahimkutty could have been a swami like myself.”

“You guys are missing the point,” Murali, Junglistan Times Editor, interrupted. “He is dead and gone, we should talk about something else.”

“This history ritual must end. We should be talking about things that affect us,” said Georgekutty, “Like GST, the ban on firecrackers, vegetable prices, petrol prices.”

“Yes, like the economy, current account deficit, recapitalisation of banks, trade deficit, China’s trade surplus, balance of payments, etc,” offered Mayilappan, whose knowledge of economics could fill more than just the back of a postage stamp, he often claims.

Pachu, the jester in the pack, went into deep thought, weighing the pros and cons of what Mayilappan said. After wracking his brain about what recapitalisation of banks could mean, he confidently offered his view, “I think we are better off debating Jungle Mata Ki Jai.”

“Two rums here please and two BDF,” Bhojanananda continued, “and the kind of atrocities Tipu committed. He would just cut off you know what if Hindus didn’t convert.”

“Then you are wrong Swami. A short while ago you said Ibrahimkutty could have been a swami if his great grandad didn’t convert. The poor guy wouldn’t even be born if his great great granddad didn’t convert,”

“Again you are missing the point,” said Murali, “Tipu might have been a villain for us, but he was a hero for the people of Mysore.”

“He even used rockets in wars,” Ibrahimkutty broke his silence, “The father of Indian missile programme was not A P J Abdul Kalam but Tipu Sultan.”

“Nonsense, what do you think was all the weapons we used in Mahabharata? It is true, we fell on bad times and forgot those stuff.”  

“I think Akbar was a great ruler unlike Tipu, who was tyrant,” Kuyilamma couldn’t stop herself, “That is why he was called Akbar the Great. Nobody ever called the Mysore king Tipu the Great.”

“And do you know who was the father of Love Jihad,” Bhojanananda asked.

“Don’t tell me it was Tipu!”

“Who else?” Bhojanananda said with the authority of Dinanath Batra, “You all have heard about Unniyarcha, the martial arts exponent of Kerala. She was abducted by Tipu and was forced to live as his wife.”

“That is some shady history you are selling Swami.”

“I read it in the Junglistan Times,” Bhojanananda had his defence ready.

“Bhai, if you ask me the point of discussion should be Tipu’s moustache,” said Murali, “What a work of art! Just like the Taj Mahal. We know about his moustache but nothing about its architect.”

“No way, nobody has a moustache like Mohanlal.”

Murali was shouted down by the rest of the crowd.

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Welcome Maveli

Jasoos Kutty to become Swami Amar Akbar Anthony

I am just back from an undercover operation. A few months ago, when a godman was arrested in a sex assault case, I felt the urge to explore the world of spirituality. And since the police didn't seek my help in any manner, I had to satisfy my curiosity attending a camp by a local swami, not as exalted as the swami under investigation, but who is showing some real promise.

Any tapasya needs a certain amount of preparation. This one was no different. Before I went for the camp, I underwent a month-long orientation so that I would not be out of place, and more importantly so that I was worthy of my place in the congregation of swamis. I practised complete abstinence: no sex, no alcohol, no meat, no hate, no love, no desire.

But my one-month undercover stay busted many myths I had nurtured about sanyaas. Here are my findings.

1) The blame game
Case study

A bhakt, after getting tired of standing in the queue for hours and failing in getting an audience with the Swami, opted for the second best option available. He came to me. The bhakt was troubled because his business was not giving the returns he expected.

"Son, you are paying for your bad karma in your previous life," I said, "The man upstairs keeps an account of each and every activity of yours in all the lives you lived, and will be living. No escaping him."

"Does that mean my bad karma in this birth will affect my next life?"

"Certainly, son."

"I evaded tax worth some Rs 20 lakh," the bhakt counted his sins, "slept with my neighbour Sharma's wife, stole money from my business partner Varma."

"You may forget the tax bit, it anyway is a waste. But you will have to pay for your other karmas. Now you can only soften the blow by chanting god's name. Take refuge in Him, and He may forgive you. But I don't know if Sharmaji will forgive you, so stay away from him."

Conclusion

Always name someone or something as a reason for your bhakt's misfortune. You may blame karma, dharma, Sharma, Varma... it is up to you. You are safe as long as you don't blame the bhakt himself.

2) The Vedas

Case study

A bhakt came seeking happiness. He had all the riches but no happiness.

"The Vedas say every life has a purpose," I said, "You need to find yours." I was not sure if any of the Vedas said so, but I knew the bhakt was equally ignorant.

"How do I know what my life's purpose is?"

"Sometimes the realization comes in the form of inner voice, sometimes as a voice from the heaven. One never knows, there are no formulae when it comes to spirituality."

"Does it mean I stay unhappy till I know the purpose of my life?"

"Here swamis like us may be of some help. You say you have all the riches, but are not happy. May be you should share your wealth to be happy. I know you are a very busy man, and you cannot spend time on charity. Leave that to us."
He didn't look convinced.

"Have you heard of Karna? Daanaveera Karna. Once upon a time he too was a miser like you. One of the old puranas says Karna in his childhood had a liking for kheer or payasam. He would finish bowl after bowl of payasam without sharing it with anyone. The next day he would come down with an upset stomach. One night he heard a voice from the heaven, 'share your payasam, your troubles will be over.' After that he never turned away a person in need of help."

The client fell for it.

Conclusion

Cite Vedas when you are in trouble. Quote from puranas, we have so many of them like Skandapurana, Matsyapurana... Invent new puranas, make up stories if needed. Valmiki, Veda Vyasa are not coming to bust your little scam.

3) Quote shlokas

Case study
One particular devotee proved a hard nut. No amount of stories would make him see reason. Finally I looked at the skies, entered a deep thought and recited a shloka from the Gita.

"Bandhuraatmaatmanastasya yenaatmaivaatmanaa jitah,
Anaatmanastu shatrutve vartetaatmaiva shatruvath"

He had no choice, but to give in.

Conclusion

Learn a few shlokas by heart, they can be very handy

4) The wail of a woman in distress

Case study

Most of our swamis are Class 2 dropouts. Well I might be guilty of exaggeration there, but I am sure none of them have cleared Class 10. Some even became sanyasis even before they hit puberty. Many of them have grown up watching Shakti Kapur in action. So when a woman comes saying, "Swami, mein kuchch bhi karne ke liye taiyar hoon (I am ready to do anything)," it doesn't seem like a distress call but an invitation to sex and/or rape for our swamis.

At my swami's camp, a bhakta who came with exactly the same lines was taken inside for a purification ceremony.

Conclusion

Readers can draw their own conclusion

5) Pick your audience

Case study

A man in dhoti, with chandan smeared on forehead came to visit my swami. He had religious books in his bag, looked scholarly, spoke fluent Sanskrit. He had a tough time getting darshan of my swami, and when he finally got it, recited some shlokas, the origin and meaning of which are yet to be deciphered. After the flourish, the bhakt said, "I am troubled. Why this duplicity? Why is god doing this to me?"

My swami evidently had no clue about what had hit him, but kept his composure. "Son, you are doubting god, He whose actions are not to be explained to us mere mortals."

"Swami, god is my sakha, the book says. Is it how a friend treats you?"

"He is your sakha, but a divine sakha. He has his reasons for his leela. You will get your answers at an appropriate time. Now is not the time. Wait. Wait. Wait. A little patience has never hurt anyone. Knowledge comes through long, painful tapasya. It's not a crash course you attend at Brilliants or Aggarwals."

So said the swami, and out went the bhakt. My guru immediately hired two Sanskrit professors to find what the verse actually meant. He ticked off his staff for not vetting the audience.

"How did that clown get through the security?" He thundered. Two guards lost their jobs.

Conclusion

You have to pick your audience in this business. Scholars in Sanskrit look good on your payroll, not on your list of devotees.

6) The song and dance

Case study

Towards the end of the programme, a devotee came and sang bhajans in his sweet voice. I went into a trance. For an hour or so, I was seriously thinking of taking deeksha from the swami. Luckily power went off at some point, and I came back to my senses. I didn't stay there any longer.

Conclusion

It will do a world of good to a swami, if he hires some singers. The best and cheap options available would be failures in television talent hunt contests. No one remembers them, but many of them are real gems.

Observations about the industry

1) No labour problems

Most workers are volunteers. Get food for their services. Ninety-nine per cent don't draw any salary. In fact some 50 per cent donate their wealth to be volunteers.

2) Forex earners for the country

Established spiritual gurus earn valuable foreign exchange for the country. The government is working on a package of incentives to boost spirituality exports. Anything to save the rupee.

3) Highest profit margins

Spirituality business has the highest profit margins. In some cases the returns are as high as 80 per cent. The best of business houses in India don't have such returns. One of India's richest men is planning a spirituality venture.

AFTERWORD

I have now placed an ad in tomorrow's newspaper.

Narayanan Kutty Bhojananda Swamikal takes you on the path to god.

"Kya aap kuch bhi karne ke liye taiyyaar hain? (Are you ready to do anything?)"

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Thondimuthalum Driksakshiyum: An eyewitness account

Imagine it’s a lazy May afternoon. You are in the sitout, reading a short story, watching time pass at its own pace. Minute by minute, second by second. No fast edits, no camera jerks. You just sit there and read the story. That is Dileesh Pothan’s Thondimuthalum Driksakshiyum.

Pothan, unlike other big names in the industry, is a simple story teller. He might use different techniques in doing so, but they are done smartly and never stand out like a blaring horn on a highway.

Suraj Venjaramoodu gets a good role, zero buffoonery, 100% substance. He gets such roles once in a blue moon, but does justice to it. It’s his onscreen wife who steals the show. Nimisha Sajayan (Sreeja), I googled her name and without mentioning her this review would be incomplete, shines in should I call an understated role. No antics, totally real and smart. When her affair with a lower caste man (Suraj) is discovered at home she promptly says ‘ഒരു ദുർബല നിമിഷത്തിൽ ഞങ്ങൾ ശാരീരിക ബന്ധത്തിലേർപ്പെട്ടു (In a weak moment we had sex)’, a dialogue we often hear in TV soaps and painkili magazines (Malayalam’s Manohar Kahaniyaan).

The star, however, is Fahadh Faasil, who plays a thief who gets caught stealing the gold necklace of Sreeja.  Here on begins the thief’s struggle to get out of the situation he is in. He tries all the tricks, പതിനെട്ട് അടവും so to say, and fails at every stage.

But with every passing second the thief gains the sympathy of the audience, and I suspect his victims, with his charming wit. He is a motivational guru, never giving up hope, even when pushed to the wall. “Try till the very end, that is my ഇത്,” he would say. And the audience, by now eating out of his hand, lapping up every lie he has to say, too doesn’t give up hope till the end.

PM Modi's midnight GST session

Jasoos Kutty and the mystery of Gau Raksha

I usually don’t reveal any State secrets. But this one the world needs to know. I won’t reveal the names of the characters in national interest, but narrate the rest of the events as truthfully as I can.

There are two groups of scientists who are working on something that will shape the world we are living in in the coming years. You might have read it in newspapers, but for those who don’t read newspapers and don’t watch TV channels, here is a Dummy’s Guide. No, I am not talking about the Aryan invasion theory, this one is much much more important. Climate change.

As I had written in a post earlier, a group of scientists and propagandists are working on highlighting the bad effects of eating beef – both health-wise and spiritually – so that consumption of beef comes down, cutting down carbon emissions that eat into the all important ozone layer. With this, India would meet a significant portion of its emission target.

But there is a world out there which is refusing to give up beef. Like the Chinese, the Americans, the Europeans, the Arabs, Donald Trump… They just a give a damn about climate change. Now beef consumption is not the only thing that increases emissions. Cow farts do too. So this group of scientists is working on making cattle feed that reduces cow farts. Now you beef eaters don’t tell me you eat beef to reduce farts and all. I don’t buy that argument.

Unknown to these two groups, a third party has also gotten involved. North Korea. It all started with a whatsapp forward of a Malayalee RSS worker explaining the uses of cow dung and cow urine. It is a well-known fact that there is a Malayalee in every corner of the world. Neil Armstrong, Tenzing Norgay and Misbah-ul Haq have already attested to the fact. A Malayalee tea shop owner in Pyongyang received the forward and the North Korean intelligence got wind of it. Of particular interest to them was the bit that said cow dung has weapons grade plutonium and that cow urine and dung can withstand nuclear explosions.

A classic case of killing two birds with one bullet. If Pyongyang can lay hands on these research papers they can meet their demand for plutonium without any help from China or Pakistan. More troubling still is the possibility of building a nuclear shield with cow dung and urine. Such a low-cost invention will sink the millions of dollars invested by not just Koreans but also other powers in building atom bombs. What a waste.

So the major spy agencies of the world -- CIA, MI6, Mossad, KGB’s step son FSB, Mossad and RAW -- came together to work out a plan. Pakistan’s ISI and Chinese intelligence were not invited as it was feared they would tip off the Koreans. As these agencies are facing tremendous funds crunch, it was decided to outsource the job to RAW. The Indian spies were told to make a presentation and I was hired as a consultant by the CIA in view of RAW’s habit of overstating things.

This is how the presentation went.

Mission: Elimination of Suspect X

Option 1: Malappuram kathi/knife

Strengths

• Oldest and simplest weapon
• Easy to acquire, tough to trace
• Cheapest option, only flight and service charges apply

Risks

• Can’t underestimate Korean scientists, they might know karate
• Things could get messy in the event of a scuffle
• If DNA evidence of assassin is left behind, cost escalates 

Option 2: Transistor bomb

Strengths

• Simple and effective
• Can be activated by remote

Risks

• Transistors out of fashion, Koreans might not pick an abandoned radio
• Worse they might sell it to an antique collector, then we have a ticking transistor bomb

Option 3: Letter bomb
Strengths

• Don’t quite know, will be using it for the first time

Risks

• A nosy receptionist might open the letter

Option 4: Mobile phone bomb
Strengths

• Can be easily placed near the scientist
• Can be triggered by a phone call

Risks

• Call drops normal in India, entire operation fails

Option 5: Cyanide poisoning
Strengths

• Our speciality, long experience in it
• Can be easily mixed in the scientist’s butter chicken
• Can spike scientist’s Old Monk and Dal Makhani too, all bases covered

Risks

• The oil and spices in butter chicken could dilute the cyanide

Option 6: Plutonium poisoning
Strengths

• 100% result assured

Risks

• Plutonium not readily available, where can we steal it from?
• Agents not used to this, need special training abroad

**********************************

After the RAW delegation made its presentation, I was called in separately for my opinion.

“Friends, they are unreliable in these kind of operations. So far they have not been able to kill even Dawood Ibrahim,” I did some plainspeak. This was appreciated by the foreign spy chiefs.

“So what do you say,” asked the MI6 chief, “Do we need to send some of our guys.”

“There is an easier and cost-effective method. I can get the work done for half the price,” I said, sipping my Martini.

“We trust you, it shouldn’t be traced back to us, the payment will be routed to your account in Cayman Islands.”

“Consider it done I said.”

After the spy chiefs left, I dialled +91********** and to be doubly sure, whatsapped the details too.

The next day the newspapers reported a foreign national was lynched by a mob that suspected him of eating beef. The police had recovered large amounts of cow dung and urine from the victim.

India's lynch mobs

The tragedy of being Anil Kumble

In all classrooms there is a student, who despite getting 90+ in all subjects, is unable to get into the top 5 because he scores poorly in drawing. In Indian cricket, Anil Kumble is that student.

India had a Trinity, the Big Three, a sort of P5 or G7 – Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid. Later it got expanded to include new geniuses Virender Sehwag and V V S Laxman and became the Big Five. Still no Kumble. Whichever way you look at it, logically or illogically, Kumble should have been there. He took 619 Test wickets, Six Hundred Nineteen of them. He is the only Indian bowler, and the second in the world, to have taken 10 wickets in an innings. A perfect 10, a Nadia Comaneci. 

We talk about Tendulkar asking Sivaramakrishnan to bowl on the rough outside leg stump to prepare for Shane Warne. But we don’t remember Warne bowling over after over, hour after hour, leg cutters on the middle stump, letting Tendulkar comfortably leave the ball, before delivering that one flipper which fooled the Master, catching him leg before wicket.  

That is the life of a bowler.

Both Warne and Kumble were strategisers. Each of their wicket was a plot. But one never became a captain and the other had to wait his turn, till Tendulkar, Ganguly and Dravid finished theirs. That too as a filler before Mahendra Singh Dhoni could step in. As captain he won three and lost five Tests, but gave a memorable win over Australia on the Perth pitch, one that remained untamed for a long time.  

Ask which Indian team deserved to win the World Cup, we would safely say the ones which had Tendulkar, Ganguly, Dravid, Sehwag, Laxman and Kumble in it. Barring Sachin and Sehwag, none has a World Cup to show for their 20 years of toil. And all those years, Kumble had been watching from the outfield what happened on the pitch. Were there times when he thought, “No, someone else should have bowled that over, or there should have been a fielder at point, why was he removed…”?  I am sure there were. After all, he was a strategiser.

The Indian coach’s job finally gave Kumble an opportunity to live that dream. He didn’t win a World Cup as a player, maybe he could as a coach. On paper, the timing was right. India had a young team, Kumble was much, much senior. He would have been the guy to look up to. But times have changed, cricket has changed, stars have realigned. Kumble is past, Kohli is future. Money rides on Kohli, and nothing overrides money.