I am just back from an undercover operation. A few months ago, when a godman was arrested in a sex assault case, I felt the urge to explore the world of spirituality. And since the police didn't seek my help in any manner, I had to satisfy my curiosity attending a camp by a local swami, not as exalted as the swami under investigation, but who is showing some real promise.
Any tapasya needs a certain amount of preparation. This one was no different. Before I went for the camp, I underwent a month-long orientation so that I would not be out of place, and more importantly so that I was worthy of my place in the congregation of swamis. I practised complete abstinence: no sex, no alcohol, no meat, no hate, no love, no desire.
But my one-month undercover stay busted many myths I had nurtured about sanyaas. Here are my findings.
1) THE BLAME GAME
Case study
A bhakt, after getting tired of standing in the queue for hours and failing in getting an audience with the Swami, opted for the second best option available. He came to me. The bhakt was troubled because his business was not giving the returns he expected.
"Son, you are paying for your bad karma in your previous life," I said, "The man upstairs keeps an account of each and every activity of yours in all the lives you lived, and will be living. No escaping him."
"Does that mean my bad karma in this birth will affect my next life?"
"Certainly, son."
"I evaded tax worth some Rs 20 lakh," the bhakt counted his sins, "slept with my neighbour Sharma's wife, stole money from my business partner Varma."
"You may forget the tax bit, it anyway is a waste. But you will have to pay for your other karmas. Now you can only soften the blow by chanting god's name. Take refuge in Him, and He may forgive you. But I don't know if Sharmaji will forgive you, so stay away from him."
Conclusion
Always name someone or something as a reason for your bhakt's misfortune. You may blame karma, dharma, Sharma, Varma... it is up to you. You are safe as long as you don't blame the bhakt himself.
2) THE VEDAS
Case study
A bhakt came seeking happiness. He had all the riches but no happiness.
"The Vedas say every life has a purpose," I said, "You need to find yours." I was not sure if any of the Vedas said so, but I knew the bhakt was equally ignorant.
"How do I know what my life's purpose is?"
"Sometimes the realization comes in the form of inner voice, sometimes as a voice from the heaven. One never knows, there are no formulae when it comes to spirituality."
"Does it mean I stay unhappy till I know the purpose of my life?"
"Here swamis like us may be of some help. You say you have all the riches, but are not happy. May be you should share your wealth to be happy. I know you are a very busy man, and you cannot spend time on charity. Leave that to us."
He didn't look convinced.
"Have you heard of Karna? Daanaveera Karna. Once upon a time he too was a miser like you. One of the old puranas says Karna in his childhood had a liking for kheer or payasam. He would finish bowl after bowl of payasam without sharing it with anyone. The next day he would come down with an upset stomach. One night he heard a voice from the heaven, 'share your payasam, your troubles will be over.' After that he never turned away a person in need of help."
The client fell for it.
Conclusion
Cite Vedas when you are in trouble. Quote from puranas, we have so many of them like Skandapurana, Matsyapurana... Invent new puranas, make up stories if needed. Valmiki, Veda Vyasa are not coming to bust your little scam.
3) QUOTE SHLOKAS
Case study
One particular devotee proved a hard nut. No amount of stories would make him see reason. Finally I looked at the skies, entered a deep thought and recited a shloka from the Gita.
"Bandhuraatmaatmanastasya yenaatmaivaatmanaa jitah,
Anaatmanastu shatrutve vartetaatmaiva shatruvath"
He had no choice, but to give in.
Conclusion
Learn a few shlokas by heart, they can be very handy
4) THE WAIL OF A WOMAN IN DISTRESS
Case study
Most of our swamis are Class 2 dropouts. Well I might be guilty of exaggeration there, but I am sure none of them have cleared Class 10. Some even became sanyasis even before they hit puberty. Many of them have grown up watching Shakti Kapur in action. So when a woman comes saying, "Swami, mein kuchch bhi karne ke liye taiyar hoon (I am ready to do anything)," it doesn't seem like a distress call but an invitation to sex and/or rape for our swamis.
At my swami's camp, a bhakta who came with exactly the same lines was taken inside for a purification ceremony.
Conclusion
Readers can draw their own conclusion
5) PICK YOUR AUDIENCE
Case study
A man in dhoti, with chandan smeared on forehead came to visit my swami. He had religious books in his bag, looked scholarly, spoke fluent Sanskrit. He had a tough time getting darshan of my swami, and when he finally got it, recited some shlokas, the origin and meaning of which are yet to be deciphered. After the flourish, the bhakt said, "I am troubled. Why this duplicity? Why is god doing this to me?"
My swami evidently had no clue about what had hit him, but kept his composure. "Son, you are doubting god, He whose actions are not to be explained to us mere mortals."
"Swami, god is my sakha, the book says. Is it how a friend treats you?"
"He is your sakha, but a divine sakha. He has his reasons for his leela. You will get your answers at an appropriate time. Now is not the time. Wait. Wait. Wait. A little patience has never hurt anyone. Knowledge comes through long, painful tapasya. It's not a crash course you attend at Brilliants or Aggarwals."
So said the swami, and out went the bhakt. My guru immediately hired two Sanskrit professors to find what the verse actually meant. He ticked off his staff for not vetting the audience.
"How did that clown get through the security?" He thundered. Two guards lost their jobs.
Conclusion
You have to pick your audience in this business. Scholars in Sanskrit look good on your payroll, not on your list of devotees.
6) THE SONG AND DANCE
Case study
Towards the end of the programme, a devotee came and sang bhajans in his sweet voice. I went into a trance. For an hour or so, I was seriously thinking of taking deeksha from the swami. Luckily power went off at some point, and I came back to my senses. I didn't stay there any longer.
Conclusion
It will do a world of good to a swami, if he hires some singers. The best and cheap options available would be failures in television talent hunt contests. No one remembers them, but many of them are real gems.
OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THE INDUSTRY
1) No labour problems
Most workers are volunteers. Get food for their services. Ninety-nine per cent don't draw any salary. In fact some 50 per cent donate their wealth to be volunteers.
2) Forex earners for the country
Established spiritual gurus earn valuable foreign exchange for the country. The government is working on a package of incentives to boost spirituality exports. Anything to save the rupee.
3) Highest profit margins
Spirituality business has the highest profit margins. In some cases the returns are as high as 80 per cent. The best of business houses in India don't have such returns. One of India's richest men is planning a spirituality venture.
AFTERWORD
I have now placed an ad in tomorrow's newspaper.
Narayanan Kutty Bhojanananda Swamikal takes you on the path to god.
"Kya aap kuch bhi karne ke liye taiyyaar hain? (Are you ready to do anything?)"
Any tapasya needs a certain amount of preparation. This one was no different. Before I went for the camp, I underwent a month-long orientation so that I would not be out of place, and more importantly so that I was worthy of my place in the congregation of swamis. I practised complete abstinence: no sex, no alcohol, no meat, no hate, no love, no desire.
But my one-month undercover stay busted many myths I had nurtured about sanyaas. Here are my findings.
1) THE BLAME GAME
Case study
A bhakt, after getting tired of standing in the queue for hours and failing in getting an audience with the Swami, opted for the second best option available. He came to me. The bhakt was troubled because his business was not giving the returns he expected.
"Son, you are paying for your bad karma in your previous life," I said, "The man upstairs keeps an account of each and every activity of yours in all the lives you lived, and will be living. No escaping him."
"Does that mean my bad karma in this birth will affect my next life?"
"Certainly, son."
"I evaded tax worth some Rs 20 lakh," the bhakt counted his sins, "slept with my neighbour Sharma's wife, stole money from my business partner Varma."
"You may forget the tax bit, it anyway is a waste. But you will have to pay for your other karmas. Now you can only soften the blow by chanting god's name. Take refuge in Him, and He may forgive you. But I don't know if Sharmaji will forgive you, so stay away from him."
Conclusion
Always name someone or something as a reason for your bhakt's misfortune. You may blame karma, dharma, Sharma, Varma... it is up to you. You are safe as long as you don't blame the bhakt himself.
2) THE VEDAS
Case study
A bhakt came seeking happiness. He had all the riches but no happiness.
"The Vedas say every life has a purpose," I said, "You need to find yours." I was not sure if any of the Vedas said so, but I knew the bhakt was equally ignorant.
"How do I know what my life's purpose is?"
"Sometimes the realization comes in the form of inner voice, sometimes as a voice from the heaven. One never knows, there are no formulae when it comes to spirituality."
"Does it mean I stay unhappy till I know the purpose of my life?"
"Here swamis like us may be of some help. You say you have all the riches, but are not happy. May be you should share your wealth to be happy. I know you are a very busy man, and you cannot spend time on charity. Leave that to us."
He didn't look convinced.
"Have you heard of Karna? Daanaveera Karna. Once upon a time he too was a miser like you. One of the old puranas says Karna in his childhood had a liking for kheer or payasam. He would finish bowl after bowl of payasam without sharing it with anyone. The next day he would come down with an upset stomach. One night he heard a voice from the heaven, 'share your payasam, your troubles will be over.' After that he never turned away a person in need of help."
The client fell for it.
Conclusion
Cite Vedas when you are in trouble. Quote from puranas, we have so many of them like Skandapurana, Matsyapurana... Invent new puranas, make up stories if needed. Valmiki, Veda Vyasa are not coming to bust your little scam.
3) QUOTE SHLOKAS
Case study
One particular devotee proved a hard nut. No amount of stories would make him see reason. Finally I looked at the skies, entered a deep thought and recited a shloka from the Gita.
"Bandhuraatmaatmanastasya yenaatmaivaatmanaa jitah,
Anaatmanastu shatrutve vartetaatmaiva shatruvath"
He had no choice, but to give in.
Conclusion
Learn a few shlokas by heart, they can be very handy
4) THE WAIL OF A WOMAN IN DISTRESS
Case study
Most of our swamis are Class 2 dropouts. Well I might be guilty of exaggeration there, but I am sure none of them have cleared Class 10. Some even became sanyasis even before they hit puberty. Many of them have grown up watching Shakti Kapur in action. So when a woman comes saying, "Swami, mein kuchch bhi karne ke liye taiyar hoon (I am ready to do anything)," it doesn't seem like a distress call but an invitation to sex and/or rape for our swamis.
At my swami's camp, a bhakta who came with exactly the same lines was taken inside for a purification ceremony.
Conclusion
Readers can draw their own conclusion
5) PICK YOUR AUDIENCE
Case study
A man in dhoti, with chandan smeared on forehead came to visit my swami. He had religious books in his bag, looked scholarly, spoke fluent Sanskrit. He had a tough time getting darshan of my swami, and when he finally got it, recited some shlokas, the origin and meaning of which are yet to be deciphered. After the flourish, the bhakt said, "I am troubled. Why this duplicity? Why is god doing this to me?"
My swami evidently had no clue about what had hit him, but kept his composure. "Son, you are doubting god, He whose actions are not to be explained to us mere mortals."
"Swami, god is my sakha, the book says. Is it how a friend treats you?"
"He is your sakha, but a divine sakha. He has his reasons for his leela. You will get your answers at an appropriate time. Now is not the time. Wait. Wait. Wait. A little patience has never hurt anyone. Knowledge comes through long, painful tapasya. It's not a crash course you attend at Brilliants or Aggarwals."
So said the swami, and out went the bhakt. My guru immediately hired two Sanskrit professors to find what the verse actually meant. He ticked off his staff for not vetting the audience.
"How did that clown get through the security?" He thundered. Two guards lost their jobs.
Conclusion
You have to pick your audience in this business. Scholars in Sanskrit look good on your payroll, not on your list of devotees.
6) THE SONG AND DANCE
Case study
Towards the end of the programme, a devotee came and sang bhajans in his sweet voice. I went into a trance. For an hour or so, I was seriously thinking of taking deeksha from the swami. Luckily power went off at some point, and I came back to my senses. I didn't stay there any longer.
Conclusion
It will do a world of good to a swami, if he hires some singers. The best and cheap options available would be failures in television talent hunt contests. No one remembers them, but many of them are real gems.
OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THE INDUSTRY
1) No labour problems
Most workers are volunteers. Get food for their services. Ninety-nine per cent don't draw any salary. In fact some 50 per cent donate their wealth to be volunteers.
2) Forex earners for the country
Established spiritual gurus earn valuable foreign exchange for the country. The government is working on a package of incentives to boost spirituality exports. Anything to save the rupee.
3) Highest profit margins
Spirituality business has the highest profit margins. In some cases the returns are as high as 80 per cent. The best of business houses in India don't have such returns. One of India's richest men is planning a spirituality venture.
AFTERWORD
I have now placed an ad in tomorrow's newspaper.
Narayanan Kutty Bhojanananda Swamikal takes you on the path to god.
"Kya aap kuch bhi karne ke liye taiyyaar hain? (Are you ready to do anything?)"
