Tuesday 29 March 2016
Monday 21 March 2016
Thursday 17 March 2016
Tuesday 8 March 2016
Monday 7 March 2016
Saturday 5 March 2016
Thursday 3 March 2016
Sedition in Junglistan
Mallan’s bar in Junglistan was declared a free speech zone three years ago. Around that time an unwritten section was added to the Junglistan constitution. The right to take offence. The law is still evolving and is open to interpretation. Every judge, every citizen sees it differently. Some see it as a fundamental right which supersedes freedom of expression, and some see it as a fundamental duty. Whatever the confusion, citizens of Junglistan have taken ‘offence’ quite seriously.
“In the last two years, according to the National Crime Research Bureau, there have been 11,25,320 cases of offence one way or the other,” announced Kittunni, sipping his single malt as he usually does. Somehow he was never convinced single malt is a thing to be downed in a gulp, like Pappan, Paachu, Kovalan, Achu, Pichu and countless other drinkers did. ‘It should be savoured,’ Kittunni used to say, ‘every single sip of it.’
“In fact the number of cases were piling up at such a rate, the NCRB lost count, started again, again lost count, and then decided to stop counting altogether,” elaborated Junglistan Times editor Murali.
“Yes, take for example Naanappan’s case. He was angry with tea shop owner Ittooppu for serving his omelette raw. He could have approached the consumer court. Instead he took offence. Ittooppu in turn took offence that Naanappan dragged him to the police station. Two cases of offence on the spot. In the melee that followed Pichu called Kovalan names, Kovalan passed on the credits to Paachu, who kicked Pangan, and all of them filed cases claiming they were offended,” said Mayilamma.
“It is bizarre now. We lawyers are demanding the constitution should be amended to provide us immunity from offence while speaking in courtrooms at least,” added Kittunni.
“Sir, another large,” Narayanan Kutty asked Kittunni. The donkey, a usual visitor to Junglistan, was a waiter at Mallan’s bar, but was actually a jasoos under cover.
“But Sir. This is too much. Raising slogans against our own motherland. These students of Junglistan National University should be booked for offence,” Kutty lit a Sivakasi bomb before leaving the table. And it exploded in no time.
“You are absolutely right, Kutty. They had no business to do it,” thundered Kittunni, “Traitors all of them. They should be booked for causing irreparable offence.”
“Hey, hey, there is no such thing as irreparable offence,” Dasan, the Junglistan intellectual jumped in.
“Excuse him, he didn’t go to Harvard,” taunted Kuyilamma.
“It sounds like a joke to you? I have video evidence,” Kittunni started playing a file on mobile phone.
“Azaadi, azaadi, bhukmari se azaadi.”
“Listen carefully. He said azaadi from Junglistan.”
“They asked for azaadi, give them azaadi, hang them.”
“Nation wants to know when.”
“Don’t’ tell me they will show it on TV.”
“You guys are nuts or what? How can a few slogans destroy our 5000-year-old civilization?”
“You may be wrong there, our civilization is only 3,000 years old.”
“Don’t digress. When are we hanging them?”
“Even if they are guilty of the charges, offence is a crime that doesn’t attract death sentence.”
“Then book them for sedition.”
“Why are we talking about hanging and all?”
“Why is JJP talking to JKPDP, they also support sloganeers of azaadi?”
“Now they want to release the killer of our former PM. You are not offended by that?”
“But they worship Mahishasura.”
“I thought we were talking offence and azaadi, where did this guy come from? Who is Mahishasura?”
“He is a buffalo-man.”
“And they eat beef.”
“You are also eating beef.”
“No way. I am eating the masala, I always throw away the meat.”
“Onion curry you mean.”
“And they have sex. All the day you know. I found 3,000 condoms in the garbage bin outside the JNU.”
“What are you upset about? That they used condoms?”
“He is upset he didn’t go to JNU.”
“I also found tonnes of beer cans.”
“And you are drinking butter milk here.”
“Pode, pode ”
“If they were drinking only beer that is bad. We send them to college to grow, and they are not graduating to brandy and rum.”
“Talking of brandy Sir, after years of drinking, I have found Morpheus brandy is a better drink than Old Monk,” Kutty lit another bomb.
“Ennada ithu, you are comparing Old Monk and Morpheus.”
“Blasphemous.”
“More than blasphemy.”
“But Kutty has a point. Morpheus is a very good drink.”
“A good brandy, drink it neat.”
“Take a sip and hold it under the tongue. Feel the tingling sensation. Ahahaha. Nothing like Morpheus.”
“What nonsense is this? Do you know Old Monk keeps our soldiers warm on the highest peaks of the world where they stand guard.”
“We are talking drinks. Old Monk may be a good sweater, but Morpheus is a better drink.”
“Shameful. How can you guys debate drinks? You are enjoying this freedom because soldiers are guarding us in the Himalayas,” said Superlal, a Junglistan actor, who blogs off and on on social issues.
“I don’t get it. What is the connection?”
“Superlal is right. We enjoy our rights because the Army keeps the borders safe.”
“Who is questioning the Army here?”
“Where was Superlal when Pansare died, Dabholkar died, Kalburgi died?”
“Who are they?”
“Gandhi didn’t die in an auto accident.”
“Neither did Dabholkar, Pansare and Kalburgi.”
“Why are you dragging us autowallahs into this. We didn’t kill Gandhi.”
“Whatever you say, Old Monk is a better drink any day. And you guys are able to enjoy free speech because the Army guards the border,” Kittunni stepped in.
“Sir your drink,” Kutty served the next round and said, “What is this tax on provident fund?”
“That is because we want to ensure everyone has pension when they retire. We want people to invest in annuities, you know.”
“What annuities?”
“This is double taxation.”
“I wanted to spend it on my children’s education.”
“I was hoping I could use it for my daughter’s wedding.”
“Who are you to decide where we should invest?”
“Nonsense.”
“KLPT.”
“You will use EPF tax to save loan defaulters. Is that it.”
“The Kingfisher is going to London I heard.”
“Is he not an anti-national?”
“Our hard earned money.”
“Savings of 35 years.”
“Roll back EPF tax.”
“Roll back EPF tax.”
“Roll back EPF tax.”
“Here is your beef dry, Sir,” Kutty said, “Old Monk large for you. And don’t forget you are able to debate EPF because our Army guards our borders.”
Tuesday 1 March 2016
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