Lessons for Rahul from the Hindi Heartland

1. Make no mistake, verdict is against Modi

Narendra Modi and Amit Shah are like galli cricket captains. When you know you are going to lose you find excuses beforehand and try to stay away from the defeat. When you get out, you express your disappointment by shrugging, feigning helplessness, showing anger. The expressions are meant to say, “What all can I do alone?”

Now the trouble is Modi expected his party to lose in Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh, and lose badly at that. So he addressed fewer rallies there. When he spoke, he spoke about the Nehru-Gandhi family, his govt’s initiatives, the failures of the Congress, but didn’t have anything nice to say about Shivraj Singh Chouhan or Vasundhara Raje. It was as if Chouhan and Raje had done nothing of significance to be highlighted. Essentially he was saying, “How can I score all the runs always?”

Was it anti-incumbency that ended BJP’s terms in Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh as pundits on TV would want us to believe?

No. If it was anti-incumbency, the BJP would have been wiped out. Without much help from the central leadership, Chouhan and Raje were able to put up a fight. In both states, the Congress wasn’t able to get clear majority. If anything, the vote was anger against the Modi govt’s policies than the state govt’s.

2. Rahul vs Modi is not a walkover 

Rahul Gandhi should not shy away from a duel with Modi. Especially in states where the Congress and BJP are in direct fights. What is the point in saying 'I have several batsmen like Ashok Gehlot, Sachin Pilot, Kamal Nath, Jyotiraditya Scindia', and score no runs yourself. People will be tempted to ask if you are a non-playing captain, then why do we need you at all?

3. Play to your strength

Modi knows this better than anyone else. He is a very good orator, but not the Vajpayee kind. He is more the angry man who taunts and mocks his rivals. Rahul shouldn’t try to be what Modi is. The country has space for only one Modi, not two. In any case, a clone is unlikely to be better than the original. Rahul can play the sheet anchor role. But then who does all the slogging that is needed. Let leaders like Navjot Sidhu do that. The Left may lend a helping hand, by unleashing Kanhaiya Kumar in the rural belt. Stay away from Kanhaiya by all means, but if he can swing a few votes, why not?

4. Hindutva Lite is working
Soft Hindutva is working, let there be no doubts about it. A Hindu voter in today’s India, especially the middle class one, is not going to the polling booth thinking, “I will not vote for Rahul because he is making an exhibition of his religious beliefs. How the hell he can do that in a secular nation? It is against the spirit of the Constitution, I will vote to uphold the Constitution.” Soft Hindutva is not going to win over Modi bhakts, but it definitely works with the fence-sitters. Given a choice between a Hindu with spears and an unarmed temple-hopping Hindu, the voters in the cow belt chose the less violent one, didn’t they?

5. Stop listening to liberal intellectuals 

Empty symbolisms mean nothing. Rahul will get ample time to do that if he comes to power. Liberal intellectuals live in a fantasy world. They can write about the transformation of the Congress into the B team of the BJP because they are not the ones fighting elections. They just have to write from the comfort of their study or debate on primetime TV from the comfort of their homes (these days OB vans go to their houses). In the unlikely event of Rahul listening to them and losing elections (which he may still do), they will tell Rahul how incompetent he is. What a morale booster that would be. 

BJP loses Hindi heartland, Modi & Co brainstorm

Gauraksha above human life for Yogi

Red alert: Pinarayi Vijayan is giving BJP a free pass into Kerala

A few months ago the BJP led a march from Kannur to Thiruvananthapuram. Amit Shah himself came for the padyatra but was shocked to see the lukewarm interest shown by the public. Today thousands are marching under the banner of Save Sabarimala yatra spearheaded by the BJP state president Sreedharan Pillai. And there lies the failure of the Congress and the CPM.

Just think of it. The BJP was, in a way, instrumental in getting women entry into the temple. They needed to show they were fair, especially at a time when they were pushing for laws to ban triple talaq, obviously targeted at the Muslims. Tripti Desai was backed to the hilt by the RSS and the BJP which helped women get entry into the Shani temple in Maharashtra. She also had to take a stand on Sabarimala.

Once the Supreme Court gave its verdict allowing women of all ages entry into Sabarimala, the BJP acted shrewdly. They have conveniently taken a U-turn in Kerala and launched a movement against women’s entry into Sabarimala, while the central leadership has sealed its lips. Whatever else, the BJP has shown they are very good at politics.

Now look at the Congress. They always backed the temple traditions. While in power, the party filed affidavits against breaking the tradition. And now in the opposition, it was caught off-guard, letting the BJP walk away with all the credit for protests.

Now come to the Hindu party of Kerala - the CPM. Its vote bank is essentially the backward castes and a little bit of upper castes, Christians and Muslims thrown in. The Left govt in the state is entrusted with implementing the Supreme Court order. But the party did read the pitch wrong. It is one thing to be progressive, but it is another thing to be blind to the mood on the ground. The turnout in the CPM bastion of Kannur for instance was quite big, enough to make heads turn. By the time the party thought of seeking talks with the protesters, it was too late.

The Kerala CPM, which is pragmatic in its economics, was found to be naive in its politics. One way to blunt religious fervour is to play on other divides like caste, gender. So far it hasn’t worked.

The Sabarimala protests give the BJP a glimmer of hope in Kerala. Almost every Hindu in the state worships Ayyappan. In Sabarimala, the BJP has found a Mandir issue tailor-made for the state. For that the BJP has to be thankful to the CPM.

Day in and day out, CPM’s social media is mocking, taunting believers. The cadres must understand they are not in a school debate, but in the actual business of winning and keeping votes. You don’t win friends by ridiculing them.

So what is it that drives Pinarayi Vijayan? Why didn’t he make any effort to pacify the devotees? Is it out of conviction or arrogance? If it is out of commitment to liberal values, to gender equality, he is a true icon. But if it is pure arrogance, he might be presiding over an irreversible decline of the CPM. Just remember Bengal every now and then.

The flood fighting hero has become the ‘Hindu hating’ villain, at least in perception. Three months is a long time in politics, Pinarayi Vijayan would have learnt by now.

Also read:
1) SC has got its Sabarimala ruling wrong, horribly wrong

2) In love with Ayyappan: The forgotten story of Leela

SC has got its Sabarimala ruling wrong, horribly wrong

There is no reason in religion. As we say in Malayalam, കഥയിൽ ചോദ്യമില്ല.

For instance, was Ayyappan born of Vishnu and Shiva, or as the story goes - of Mohini, a female incarnation of Vishnu? It is a belief that is the very foundation of the Sabarimala temple.

It is the same for all religions.

Will true followers of Islam find virgins waiting for them in heaven?

Does confessing before a priest wash away sins as Christians believe?

Faith is based on belief, how impossible they might sound.

The foundation of most religions are books written centuries ago, in an age women were indeed treated like chattel (to use Judge Chandrachud’s words in another verdict). These texts that prescribe how to live your life are mostly moral codes, scales tilted heavily in favour of men.

If the court were to apply the same rules of rationality to religions, all of them face a ban.

Every temple has a USP. A legend. A myth. A story.

Dharma Sastha, whose incarnation is Ayyappan thought to be, was happily married. He had not one, but two wives - Poorna and Pushkala.

Even Ayyappan in some stories is married to Prabha and has a son named Sathyakan.

The Lord we worship in Sabarimala is a brahmachari. He has a lover in Leela, who is waiting by his side for the day when no newcomer comes to see him. That is when he will marry her, he has told Leela. So he doesn’t even set his eyes on women. (You can read the story here)

As much as it is a story of Ayyappan’s brahmacharya it is also a story of platonic love, love without expectations, love without desire. A story of waiting and longing. A story of loneliness. A story of pain. A story of sacrifice...

Devotees who trek to Sabarimala are Ayyappans themselves. They have no sex for 40 days, they don’t shave, they don’t wear footwear, they don’t eat meat, they don’t drink alcohol, in short they live the life of a sanyasi.

Menstruation is not part of the story. It sneaked in somehow.

The court must be told, women in Kerala don’t go to temples when they menstruate. They don’t even light the lamp at home during their periods. What does the court plan to do about that? Ayyappan had nothing to do with any of this.

Now that women have been allowed entry into Sabarimala, will they still not go?

Of course they will. If not today, tomorrow. The same women who are pledging they will stop any women from going to the temple will at some point give up the fight and join the trek.

Will the activists who fought for women’s entry go? Some will, to prove a point. Most won’t, because they never believed in Ayyappan anyway.

What the court has done is kill the story. Yes, in the next hundred years or so, the story will adapt to accommodate women devotees. But it won’t be as romantic a story as that of Ayyappan and Leela. The Supreme Court has killed the romance of Sabarimala.

*******************************************************************************

PS: Sabarimala Ayyappan fell prey to a larger political game at play. When the Narendra Modi govt was pushing a ban on triple talaq, people asked questions about gender inequality in Hinduism. Sabarimala too was raked up. The RSS and the BJP advocated women’s entry, welcomed Supreme Court order and now, after sensing the mood on the ground, are protesting the very decision they supported.

In love with Ayyappan: The forgotten story of Leela

(This is an old blog, edited slightly to reflect the current controversy over SC's verdict to allow women entry into Sabarimala)

Manikantan's mind wavered a bit. In front of him stood a beautiful woman. With hair that touched the ground; in the wind that was blowing, it swayed like a wave. Her eyes white, as white as milk. Her eyes enticing, one could get lost it the depth of them. Her eyebrows an absolute arc, as if it belonged to an apsara. She was no less than an apsara.

'Now I know why the devas fight over women,' thought the young prince. As he took in the beauty in front of him, his mind wavered a bit.

"Who are you? What are you doing here? This place is not safe," he said.

She turned her head towards him. She had a smile on her face, and a look of admiration. In awe of the young warrior, she replied, "You do know me. Moments ago you were in a battle with me. I am the Mahishi, the one with the face of a buffalo. You killed me and the devas celebrated by showering flowers on you, by hailing you as the saviour. If you are as kindhearted as they say, if you are the saviour indeed, now is the time to prove that."

"No, you can't be Mahishi. You have such a sweet voice, you are such a beauty."

"Of that, let there be no doubt. I became Mahishi after the gods cursed me. My name is Leela."

"And how can I help you?"

"Marry me, you must. For it were you who saved me from the curse. And you cannot leave me here in the forests, on the banks of the Azhutha, where tigers and leopards roam freely. And death hides in every nook and corner."

Ayyappa stood there in thought. Deliberating. She was asking for the impossible. I have pledged to be a brahmachari. Not for me the pleasures of love and comfort of wealth. I was born a prince, but I will live like a sanyasi. Not even Bhishma did that. And then my mother wants her son to be become the king, not me.

"The Sun rises only in the east. It is a truth that can't be changed. As is my brahmacharya," said Ayyappan, the prince who knows only giving, like Karna of the Mahabharata.

Leela was madly in love with him. She could think of only one life, with him by her side. She begged and cajoled, then she insisted.

"If I ever have a husband, it will be you. My word is as precious as yours. There is no life for me without you," when she said this, her face was filled with sadness, but determination. And that swayed Ayyappan, the prince who knew only to give.

'My birth was an improbability. I had to be born of Hari and Hara, two men. But it happened. Now I have to give a similar boon to Leela, the woman in love with me, whom I can't ditch, for I am responsible for her plight,' so thought Ayyappa.

And then he said, "If I ever marry anybody, it will be you and only you. The year no new devotee comes to see me, I will marry you. Till then you will live here by my side, right next to my hut. My devotees will come to see you as they come to see me. To them you are the Malikapurathamma. And I give you my word, I won't look at any woman other than you."

********************************************************

Leela is in a bad mood. But she has no one to turn to, no one to confide in. In this isolated hill, she has been staying alone, alongside Ayyappan, for many years now. In solitude, in the hope that one day her love will meet success. But a news has come that troubles her. And she doesn't know whether to believe it or not.

"Lord, have you heard what I heard? All these years I lived trusting your word. Never did I trespass into your quarters. Now, a woman says she came here, and even managed to touch you," Leela blurted out.

Ayyappan was lost in his thoughts. Is his brahmacharya that fragile? A vow of celibacy that will break by the mere touch of a woman. Leela was complaining. And her voice grew louder and louder.

Even the divine are not immune to domestic quarrels.

Rape suspect Bishop Franco Mulakkal roams free

Should Mohanlal fight Shashi Tharoor?

Dear Laletta,

You have legions of fans across India. They come from all walks of life; they come from several religions - yes they include Muslims too; most of them are Mammootty ‘haters’ -- they hate him just because they are your fans; many of them are converts from Mammootty fans -- for instance, I am one of them. So if and when you join politics, it as an event of earth shattering magnitude.

Imagine the kind of headlines Malayalam newspapers would carry. Just the thought is mouth watering.

‘Rashtreeyathil Lalettante Savari Giri Giri’  (രാഷ്ട്രീയത്തിൽ ലാലേട്ടന്റെ സവാരിഗിരിഗിരി )

‘Pulimurugan vettakkorungi’(പുലിമുരുഗൻ വേട്ടക്കൊരുങ്ങി)

‘Narasimahavatharam’ (നരസിംഹാവതാരം )

‘Kireedam thedi Araan Thamburan’  (കിരീടം തേടി ആറാം തമ്പുരാൻ)

‘Assembliyil mondoori thallaaan Aadu Thoma’  (അസ്സെംബിയിൽ മുണ്ടൂരി തല്ലാൻ ആട് തോമ)

‘Saffron Salaam’ (സാഫ്രൺ സലാം)

The list could go on and on. 

Your meeting with Prime Minister Narendra Modi has given new life to rumours, which were already doing rounds in Thiruvananthapuram, that you would fight on BJP ticket against Shashi Tharoor. 

It’s been more than 24 hours since some national television channels, one of them you were associated with as a jury member for their award events, and some newspapers ran the story. And all that has come as reaction from you is a terse comment to Malayala Manorama: “I didn’t know I was contesting from Thiruvananthapuram, so I won’t react.”

A clever response which is not an outright denial. What do we make of it? For one, it is clear the thought struck you and you are probably weighing the scales.

But then why would you do that?

After 30 years in public life, it is quite natural to want to do more. As a citizen of the country, you may not be happy with whatever is happening around you. You might feel you can do more and do it better. You may be thinking, as many of us are, the floods probably could have been avoided. You may be thinking, I certainly do believe, that right to food must include right to one bottle rum at least every month.

Important things first. To join politics, you need a party. Your choice of party will reveal more about you than a hundred films you did in the 30 years.

For instance if you join the BJP, you stand for everything that party and its members stand for. For instance they have no problems with lynchings, they promote hate for Muslims, they promote hate for Christians, they promote hate for beef eaters, they promote hate for Kashmiris…. Of course it is your choice.

Till now we don’t know your views about any of the issues listed above. But we do know you have strong feelings about freedom of expression. You had famously said, during the JNU controversy, “People are debating free speech when soldiers are dying on the border.” The statement pretty much proved you don’t believe in free speech.

Do you have any idea how suffocating a world without right to speak your mind would be? Imagine you didn’t like the sambaar your wife cooked but you are barred from telling her that. That is how bad it will be. I could have written more, but you can read my views on this very serious issue in this blog on sedition.

A few months ago a former cricketer tweeted his views about a Hindu-Muslim issue. It was a disgusting tweet. He himself doesn’t tweet those hate mongering stuff, but his PR professionals do. A journalist asked him if he would say the same to the Muslim teammates he shared dressing room with in his playing days. It needed a shove but the cricketer deleted that tweet.  But the tweet left a bitter aftertaste, we fans got to know our idol for what he is worth.

Lalettaa, please don’t do that to us.

ലാലേട്ടൻ എന്ന് വിളിച്ച നാവു കൊണ്ട് സംഘി എന്ന് വിളിപ്പിക്കല്ലേ പ്ളീസ്

With best wishes
Jasoos Narayanan Kutty

Urban Naxals

We Shall Overcome

Kerala floods: What Arnabs of the world can learn from Malayalam media

The day after Nipah virus outbreak was confirmed, the Malayala Manorama reported it on the frontpage, and set aside an inside page for the dos and don’ts. Sitting in Delhi, I felt the coverage wasn’t enough, felt I needed to know more. I was anxious about my relatives and friends in Kerala. Should they be wearing masks, should they stop eating fruits altogether or just mangoes. The coverage felt incomplete and I tweeted my disappointment.

Weeks later, the virus was contained, the casualty too was minimum. The role of the media was commended by the state government, it didn’t whip up hysteria. A friend here told me, had it been Delhi-based newspapers and TV channels, we would have seen huge photos of bats dripping blood, journalists wearing safety suits reporting kilometres away, yet claim to be the first channel on ground zero, graveyards recreated, etc, etc.

Malayalam TV channels which are normally fond of drama surprisingly pipe down when such grim news breaks.

Take for example the floods in Kerala. For weeks media was speculating on when the Idukki dam shutters would open, many had camped outside the dam 24/7. Trolls had a field day. Nearly one week after the vigil began, one of the trolls commented “If the govt doesn’t open the shutters, the journalists will.”

A Manorama TV anchor was trolled for showing where all Periyar flows through before reaching the Arabian Sea on Google map. This time the trolls said, “Periyar will decide its course after checking with Manorama office.”

And when the shutters were finally opened on Thursday, gone was the exuberance. Reporting has been factual, no one is creating panic, there might be odd incidents, nobody can be perfect all the time.

My family in Delhi is surfing Malayalam channels, many of our relatives live in areas prone to flooding, but I haven’t called anyone in Kerala even once. The coverage of the floods in Kerala has been reassuring, why panic when there is no need to. Yes, it’s a disaster, the government, political leaders and citizens are dealing with it the way it should be. Be patient, this too will pass.

How would Delhi-based channels and newspapers cover the news if this were to happen in the Capital. No, my lips are sealed. I don’t want my friends in Malayalam media to get any ideas. 

Top journalists quit under pressure

Stand by Meesha, or else shave your meesha

This week I got a whatsapp forward. The local unit of the Nair Service Society (NSS), a body that represents Nairs, an upper caste in Kerala, calling upon all community members to boycott Mathrubhumi newspaper till it apologises for publishing S. Hareesh’s novel Meesha (Moustache).

Then I got another forward, this one called the NSS resolution an interference in personal space and attack on individual rights. This message also warned that a boycott of Mathrubhumi will invariably help Malayala Manorama, owned by a Christian. But it didn’t question the assault on free speech.

Here is the excerpt from the novel which they are objecting to:

Why do girls take bath and go to temples all decked-up? A friend who used to accompany my walks till six months ago asked me once. 

"To pray," I said. 

"No, give a closer look. Why put on your best and doll up to pray? They are sub-consciously conveying their readiness for sex." 

I laughed. 

"If not why do they fail to turn up at temples four or five days a month? To let others know they are not ready, especially the temple priests. You know, they were the real playboys those days."

It’s obvious the chivalrous Nair men, or the Sangh Parivar elements they are backing, can’t have any of it. But we are yet to hear from any women about this, all the whatsapp messages circulating are valiant men pledging to save their sundar-susheel sisters.

Even these moral cops would admit that long before we got shopping malls, temples were where we wooed our girls. Where we schemed chance meetings to get the sandalwood tika on our foreheads by them. Many a love affair has taken root and blossomed in temples or ulsavapparambu.

Now, take the ban on women visiting temples during menstruation: it is not enforced the way it is in Kerala anywhere else in India. The character in the novel in his own way is giving a reasoning for a subject which is now being debated by no less than the Supreme Court.

If art, literature and films were to follow the Hindutva cowboys’ newly drafted moral code, we would have villains in films seeking the permission of women before a rape scene, drunkards reading out the ‘alcohol is injurious to health’ warnings before every sip of brandy and ‘shwaasakosam’ warning before every puff.

DC Books’ decision to publish Meesha is laudable. Such nonsense should be called out right from the beginning, and any attempt to censor must be nipped in the bud. If we don’t do it, we might as well shave our moustache and pretend it never was there. 

Malayalam writer withdraws novel Meesha after threats

Things Modric does, Messi & Ronaldo can't

Luka Modric is the V.V.S. Laxman of football. For many reasons.

I don’t think anybody worships Modric like they do Messi or Ronaldo. People will come to blows debating which of Messi and Ronaldo is the greatest. But I don’t think anybody will pick a fight for Modric.

Modric is a Test player. Croatia is the first nation to enter the final after three back to back extra time matches. Modric was in all three, and was on the pitch almost for the whole duration. Never did he show any sign of fatigue. But then he lived and survived a civil war, this is only a football tournament.

Modric is no Messi or Ronaldo. For instance Messi and Ronaldo can’t lift the morale, spirit and game of his national teammates like Modric does. Often when Argentina or Portugal lose, the blame is reserved for their ‘substandard’ teammates. Not Modric. He will toil with them, he will run with them till the final whistle is blown. Modric revels in playing with the tailenders, so to say.

On Wednesday, none of the two goals were results of a Modric assist, yet he left his signature on the match. He stayed back when needed, he pushed ahead when needed, he passed and passed and passed, Modric is a selfless team man.

And what is more, Modric does all this with that lanky frame of his. Among the sprinters of football, he is the marathon runner. Place him under the microscope, chances are you won’t find any muscle, just flesh and blood. If you didn’t know Modric plays football, you won’t believe he plays football. Modric looks like any of us, very ordinary, but extraordinarily gifted.

After watching him, I am inspired to play football. No Messi, no Ronaldo can ever do that.

Govt equates Jio to IIT

Vamos Argentina

If Hedgewar was a great son of Mother India, who was Gandhi?

Last week I was having beer with a few friends. At some point we decided to go to Haridwar. I was bored of drinking at home, wanted to drink in a new setting. Of course I wanted to take a dip in Ganga to absolve myself of all sins that I had committed till then, so that I could start committing new sins.

The point is there was a purpose to that trip. We do things purposefully, even if we don’t acknowledge it. Now what inspired former president Pranab Mukherjee to fly down to Nagpur and attend the RSS convocation ceremony?

There could be many reasons.

Mukherjee says dialogue is the essence of democracy. One should keep the dialogue on. So he wants to have a dialogue with an organisation which couldn’t tolerate a nuanced homage to Muhammed Ali Jinnah by L.K. Advani in Pakistan.

Advani had said, “His (Jinnah’s) address to the Constituent Assembly of Pakistan on August 11, 1947, is really a classic, a forceful espousal of a secular state in which, while every citizen would be free to practise his own religion, the state shall make no distinction between one citizen and another on grounds of faith.”

The RSS cracked down on Advani and later Jaswant Singh who wrote a book on Jinnah. This is their level of intolerance and Mukherjee wants us to believe he wanted to have a dialogue with the RSS.

Mukherjee probably rates his oratorical skills very highly. He may have thought he can reform, if not the Sangh leadership, the fresh graduates and make them give up their Hindu rashtra dreams. He is probably reassured by the successes he had while playing the role of mediator for the UPA. He had handled Anna Hazare so well his prodigy ended up becoming the CM; he neutralised Ramdev, who became a business tycoon, if not for Pranab the yoga guru could have become the UP CM for all you know.

Don’t let the Pranabda fan club in the media mislead you. Mukherjee didn’t go to the lion’s den and take the bull by its horns.

The speech in itself was mediocre. It could have been any of the speeches he made as President of India after Narendra Modi came to power. He just toned it down a bit, edited out references to gau raksha, lynchings, bigotry. In its place he copied a few lines from his other speeches about the 5,000 year old Indian civilisation, the sone ki chidiya that India was, the glory of Nalanda, all that are music to RSS ears. A Sangh spokesperson on TV channels said as much -- he said pretty much what we say. 

Mukherjee quoted Jawahar Lal Nehru from his book Discovery of India, but made only a passing reference to Gandhi. He said, “As Gandhiji explained Indian nationalism was not exclusive, nor aggressive, nor destructive.” Just one line on the Father of the Nation who spearheaded a freedom struggle that was boycotted by the RSS. Gandhi who lost his life to the ideology of RSS almost became a footnote in his speech, though it appeared in the middle somewhere.

The real news came a few hours before the speech. From the memorial of RSS founder K.B. Hedgewar. There Mukherjee noted in the visitors’ log, “Today I came here to pay my respect and homage to a great son of Mother India.” Anyone who reads it would think Hedgewar was some big hero who was denied his due by a repressionist regime for decades.

You could argue there is no need to read much into it. It was just an old man writing something about a dead man because he had to do write something. Journalists quoted ‘sources close to him’ as saying “What does one say of a dead man, especially who has been the Organising Committee Chairman of the AICC Session in 1920?”

Anything. He could have written anything. Mukherjee made a career out of writing convoluted, un-understandable resolutions with sentences so long, one would lose count and sight of the commas and semicolons. Anything Mukherjee writes, there is a method to it.

Arun Shourie very famously described the Modi govt as UPA + cow. Mukherjee’s speech was a bit like that -- RSS minus the bigotry.
So what was the purpose behind the speech?

The only good defence in Mukherjee’s favour I can think of is - he was bored, visited RSS headquarters for some sightseeing and went back after a guided tour.

In describing Hedgewar as a great son of Mother India, Mukherjee came off as an opportunist,  a backstabber and coward.

Praise the Modi or why archbishops need to shut up

Dear Filipe Neri Ferrao

Pardon my ignorance. This is the first time I am writing to an archbishop, I don’t know what is the proper way to address one. But the speed at which archbishops are issuing election advisories (again the wrong use of words), I have taken it upon myself to give you a few reasons why your club should keep quiet on politics.

1. Christians don’t count

In a country of 100 crore people, the 2.8 crore Christian population is like a drop in the ocean. You can influence elections in Kerala and the Northeast but not anywhere else.

2. Who cares for your criticism?

There was a time when a negative comment by an archbishop would embarrass the government of the day. Not anymore. Now it’s a badge of honour.

3. Why the trouble?

Why even take pains to issue such edicts. If your followers need to be told not to vote for Modi, then you might rather stay silent.

4. It’s a boomerang

Any comment by the Church on secularism, Constitution will be sold as as a Vatican conspiracy by the Sangh Parivar and the media through whatsapp and facebook. So much so we have started thinking secularism is a dirty word and a crime to boot.

5. Prayers don't count

If you truly believe weekly prayers are going to topple Narendra Modi, you must be the biggest believer in the world, bigger than even the Pope.

Hope you get the drift.

With best wishes

Jasoos Narayanan Kutty

Praise the Modi

PM Modi's fitness challenge to citizens

Why can’t Rahul Gandhi become the PM?

Rahul Gandhi has said he will be the Prime Minister if the Congress is the largest party. Quite a lot of people are surprised by this admission. Especially the media.

I don’t know why.

What did you expect? That he does all the hard work, run from temple to temple, visit churches and masjids in between, and then if the Congress wins the elections, anoint somebody else as the PM.

Yes, he and his mom have done it in the past. He could have become the PM anytime he wanted between 2004 and 2014. Manmohan Singh did everything, other than beg, to make him a minister in the Cabinet.

The guy has decided ‘not any more’. If he wins the elections he will be the PM. And why not?

Because he is a Pappu?

If he was ridiculed as Pappu earlier, today the word is looked upon as ‘cute’, especially since a name called Feku gained currency.

Because he doesn’t have the brains?

We are not aware if he is capable of any policy making. But there is one guarantee, he won’t do a demonetisation. He qualifies on that one count.

Because he will be dependent on people like Sam Pitroda?

It is always better to have good and informed advisors. Hopefully his kitchen cabinet won’t be quack economists, babas & swamis.

Because he is not 56 chhati?

He is a regular at the gym and may have a four-pack, if that helps.

Because he is not a fakir with a jhola?

Rahul has shown his kurta pockets have holes in them. You can’t be more fakir than that.

Because he is a Gandhi?

If a doctor's son can become a doctor, an engineer's son can become an engineer, a scavenger's son must become a scavenger, a Gandhi's son can become a PM. Anyway, it's not his fault Modi and Vajpayee aren’t married.

There is only one reason why Rahul Gandhi can’t become the PM.

Because he doesn’t have the numbers. Once he has them, it's his job to take.

President Kovind is busy, please do not disturb

A few filmmakers are terribly upset the President of India didn’t personally hand over the national awards they won. They just boycotted the event. A few others attended the event and accepted the awards from the I&B minister. The event is over, but now everyone is fighting over why the few pricey, arrogant, pain-in-the-ass variety filmmakers skipped the function.

Now these filmmakers may have felt insulted or disappointed. They have their reasons for that. But President Ram Nath Kovind has his reasons for scaling down his presence too.

Nobody is speaking for the President, so I have decided to take up that onerous task.

Kovind is the President of India, the world’s largest democracy. He is the commander in chief of the world’s fourth largest army. In the pantheon of world leaders he is right there along with Donald Trump, Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un, etc. What I mean to say is, he is a busy man.

So busy he has so far not been able to explore the Rs 16,000 crore palace he lives in. At 2 lakh square feet, his house is several times larger than the Lulu Mall many of you silly Mallus go to on weekends and during vacations. There are 340 rooms there, most of the times he gets lost I guess, it is humanly not possible to know exactly where these 340 rooms are. The bigger trouble is he has over 750 employees, there have been presidents who completed their terms without getting to know the names of even 10 of them. 

This is in addition to a 13 acre garden, swimming pool, golf course, football field, tennis courts and other random stuff that needs to be taken care of. Yes, there are many caretakers there, but there are so many of them, they too need some care-taking.

That is not all. Every now and then a file lands up from the Union govt or the 29 state govts or the 7 centrally administered territories. They need to be signed, most of the times he doesn’t even have to read them. On some occasions he needs to seek the advice of the home ministry, which tells him what to do. The trouble is when he gets files he needs to sit on. There are quite a few of them, they are kept in another room. Sometimes the files stay there for such a long time, the staff forgets where they kept it, and a search is needed.

The President also has to host dinner and lunch for visiting dignitaries. Preparations for these begin months in advance. What cutlery to use for example. If you need to snub someone, serve them food in stainless steel plates. Or serve just dhoklas and masala dosas to a guest who relishes non-vegetarian food. This is how diplomatic messages are put across. A lot of thought goes into all of this.

Now you might ask how past presidents found time to hand over awards. They were too old to do any of this work.

The current president we have is putting a value to time. No waste of unnecessary time. Conferring one award would take one minute, so 137 of them would mean more than 2 hours. Now tell me friends how does he find time for this after all the work he has to do. 

Do It Yourself: How to become a successful swami

I am just back from an undercover operation. A few months ago, when a godman was arrested in a sex assault case, I felt the urge to explore the world of spirituality. And since the police didn't seek my help in any manner, I had to satisfy my curiosity attending a camp by a local swami, not as exalted as the swami under investigation, but who is showing some real promise.

Any tapasya needs a certain amount of preparation. This one was no different. Before I went for the camp, I underwent a month-long orientation so that I would not be out of place, and more importantly so that I was worthy of my place in the congregation of swamis. I practised complete abstinence: no sex, no alcohol, no meat, no hate, no love, no desire.

But my one-month undercover stay busted many myths I had nurtured about sanyaas. Here are my findings.

1) THE BLAME GAME

Case study

A bhakt, after getting tired of standing in the queue for hours and failing in getting an audience with the Swami, opted for the second best option available. He came to me. The bhakt was troubled because his business was not giving the returns he expected.

"Son, you are paying for your bad karma in your previous life," I said, "The man upstairs keeps an account of each and every activity of yours in all the lives you lived, and will be living. No escaping him."

"Does that mean my bad karma in this birth will affect my next life?"

"Certainly, son."

"I evaded tax worth some Rs 20 lakh," the bhakt counted his sins, "slept with my neighbour Sharma's wife, stole money from my business partner Varma."

"You may forget the tax bit, it anyway is a waste. But you will have to pay for your other karmas. Now you can only soften the blow by chanting god's name. Take refuge in Him, and He may forgive you. But I don't know if Sharmaji will forgive you, so stay away from him."

Conclusion

Always name someone or something as a reason for your bhakt's misfortune. You may blame karma, dharma, Sharma, Varma... it is up to you. You are safe as long as you don't blame the bhakt himself.

2) THE VEDAS

Case study

A bhakt came seeking happiness. He had all the riches but no happiness.

"The Vedas say every life has a purpose," I said, "You need to find yours." I was not sure if any of the Vedas said so, but I knew the bhakt was equally ignorant.

"How do I know what my life's purpose is?"

"Sometimes the realization comes in the form of inner voice, sometimes as a voice from the heaven. One never knows, there are no formulae when it comes to spirituality."

"Does it mean I stay unhappy till I know the purpose of my life?"

"Here swamis like us may be of some help. You say you have all the riches, but are not happy. May be you should share your wealth to be happy. I know you are a very busy man, and you cannot spend time on charity. Leave that to us."
He didn't look convinced.

"Have you heard of Karna? Daanaveera Karna. Once upon a time he too was a miser like you. One of the old puranas says Karna in his childhood had a liking for kheer or payasam. He would finish bowl after bowl of payasam without sharing it with anyone. The next day he would come down with an upset stomach. One night he heard a voice from the heaven, 'share your payasam, your troubles will be over.' After that he never turned away a person in need of help."

The client fell for it.

Conclusion

Cite Vedas when you are in trouble. Quote from puranas, we have so many of them like Skandapurana, Matsyapurana... Invent new puranas, make up stories if needed. Valmiki, Veda Vyasa are not coming to bust your little scam.

3) QUOTE SHLOKAS 

Case study

One particular devotee proved a hard nut. No amount of stories would make him see reason. Finally I looked at the skies, entered a deep thought and recited a shloka from the Gita.

"Bandhuraatmaatmanastasya yenaatmaivaatmanaa jitah,
Anaatmanastu shatrutve vartetaatmaiva shatruvath"

He had no choice, but to give in.

Conclusion

Learn a few shlokas by heart, they can be very handy

4) THE WAIL OF A WOMAN IN DISTRESS 

Case study

Most of our swamis are Class 2 dropouts. Well I might be guilty of exaggeration there, but I am sure none of them have cleared Class 10. Some even became sanyasis even before they hit puberty. Many of them have grown up watching Shakti Kapur in action. So when a woman comes saying, "Swami, mein kuchch bhi karne ke liye taiyar hoon (I am ready to do anything)," it doesn't seem like a distress call but an invitation to sex and/or rape for our swamis.

At my swami's camp, a bhakta who came with exactly the same lines was taken inside for a purification ceremony.

Conclusion

Readers can draw their own conclusion

5) PICK YOUR AUDIENCE

Case study

A man in dhoti, with chandan smeared on forehead came to visit my swami. He had religious books in his bag, looked scholarly, spoke fluent Sanskrit. He had a tough time getting darshan of my swami, and when he finally got it, recited some shlokas, the origin and meaning of which are yet to be deciphered. After the flourish, the bhakt said, "I am troubled. Why this duplicity? Why is god doing this to me?"

My swami evidently had no clue about what had hit him, but kept his composure. "Son, you are doubting god, He whose actions are not to be explained to us mere mortals."

"Swami, god is my sakha, the book says. Is it how a friend treats you?"

"He is your sakha, but a divine sakha. He has his reasons for his leela. You will get your answers at an appropriate time. Now is not the time. Wait. Wait. Wait. A little patience has never hurt anyone. Knowledge comes through long, painful tapasya. It's not a crash course you attend at Brilliants or Aggarwals."

So said the swami, and out went the bhakt. My guru immediately hired two Sanskrit professors to find what the verse actually meant. He ticked off his staff for not vetting the audience.

"How did that clown get through the security?" He thundered. Two guards lost their jobs.

Conclusion

You have to pick your audience in this business. Scholars in Sanskrit look good on your payroll, not on your list of devotees.

6) THE SONG AND DANCE 

Case study

Towards the end of the programme, a devotee came and sang bhajans in his sweet voice. I went into a trance. For an hour or so, I was seriously thinking of taking deeksha from the swami. Luckily power went off at some point, and I came back to my senses. I didn't stay there any longer.

Conclusion

It will do a world of good to a swami, if he hires some singers. The best and cheap options available would be failures in television talent hunt contests. No one remembers them, but many of them are real gems.

OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THE INDUSTRY 

1) No labour problems

Most workers are volunteers. Get food for their services. Ninety-nine per cent don't draw any salary. In fact some 50 per cent donate their wealth to be volunteers.

2) Forex earners for the country

Established spiritual gurus earn valuable foreign exchange for the country. The government is working on a package of incentives to boost spirituality exports. Anything to save the rupee.

3) Highest profit margins

Spirituality business has the highest profit margins. In some cases the returns are as high as 80 per cent. The best of business houses in India don't have such returns. One of India's richest men is planning a spirituality venture.

AFTERWORD

I have now placed an ad in tomorrow's newspaper.

Narayanan Kutty Bhojanananda Swamikal takes you on the path to god.

"Kya aap kuch bhi karne ke liye taiyyaar hain? (Are you ready to do anything?)"

Maya Kodnani acquitted

Justice for Kathua's Nirbhaya

Sudani From Nigeria - The Beautiful Film

Malapppuram takes its football seriously, much, much more than how we take our cricket in Delhi. Sudani From Nigeria is about Malappuram’s passion for football. But it is not just about football. It is more about humanity, love, kindness and every other value we find missing in today’s world.

The movie, dare I say, also deals with the rising Islamophobia in the country. The movie is a must-watch for non-Malayalees in Indian cities who rarely mingle with Muslims and harbour scary notions about the community -- like illiteracy, hate for Hindus, soft on terror, Pakistan lovers, etc. In that sense, the movie is as political as they come.

The two grandmothers (Savithri Sreedharan & Sarasa Balussery) on the screen remind us of our grandmothers. The harmless gossip, the unconditional love and affection that comes in the form of savouries, gifts and dua (prayers). How a family tends to an African player who gets injured and pays for the costly treatment, even though he is ruled out for the rest of the season.

Soubin Shahir as Majid, the manager of the team, is brilliant as usual. So is his helpless stepfather, whom Majid despises because he had to serve biryani at his mother’s second wedding.

Samuel Robinson as Sudu is cute .The best scene from the movie for me was when Sudu and Majid exchanged their jerseys, an act that transcends borders, religions, castes, sects, culture…

Sudani From Nigeria is a beautiful movie about the beautiful game and the beautiful people who play it and the beautiful people who love the game.

Five reasons why Modi guillotined Parliament

Poor Narendra Modi is being criticised by every Tom, Dick and Nidhi Razdan (there is no Barkha Dutt on TV to do that) for using guillotine to clear grants. Yes, budget was passed without any debate. So what? This when you people have no problems with Rahul Gandhi taking leave without applying on the prescribed form. What I mean to say is India is like that. If you are still not convinced, let me tell you this: Modiji had his reasons for applying the guillotine, and very strong ones too. Here are they:

1. A discussion on budget is in any case an exercise in futility. Though most of our MPs are graduates and post-graduates, they are products of our education system, they can hardly tell between a surplus budget and deficit budget. So two days of debate on budget is 18 hours wasted, sometimes they even debate late into midnight without knowing why or what they are doing.

2. It has come to govt’s note that viewership is the highest among chartered accountants and auditors when the budget is being discussed. In the 18 hours or so of the debate, there will be one wise mind who will pick holes in the taxation system, which we may miss in our sleep, but these cunning fellows will take note of and misuse them. The scrapping of budget debate is in fact a crackdown on corruption. There will be no more NiMo scams.

3. Everyday when Parliament shuts down, the govt ensures the lights and microphones are immediately switched off, thereby earning valuable carbon credit. The cut in power usage and noise pollution is serious crackdown on climate change. This is the second biggest measure taken by the govt in this regard, the first of course is sending gau rakshaks after beef eaters.

4. Often the Modi govt is criticised for not pursuing welfare schemes. Not anymore. Parliament has implemented a strong system of mid-day meals. Not just MPs and staff, even journalists who bunk work promptly come in the afternoon to have nutritious kanjiyum payarum. This way Modiji ensures MPs don’t drop out midway.

5. Modiji is a doer not a talker. He doesn’t waste time discussing issues, there will only be naysayers. Most of his decisions are taken on the spur of the moment. He is a decisive leader. Have you already forgotten demonetisation? Discussions are equal to delay. If you still don’t believe me, watch Yes Minister, you will know.   

Then why do we have parliament, why not shut it down, you may ask.

Silly question. If there is no Parliament, there will be no elections, then how will Modiji become Prime Minister? What do you think Modiji is, a dictator? Nah, no way, never.

Stop gloating, Modi can still win this

(I have watched hours of election analysis and prepared this brief report for my clients so that they don’t waste their time watching TV news. They can rest assured and watch Netflix)  

Preparing batter for dosa and idli is an expert task. If you want idli, you add a little more urad dal. It’s about getting the right mix.

Elections in Uttar Pradesh are a bit like that. The trick is in getting the caste combination right. So an SP-BSP combo is unbeatable. Yes, at times, on very rare occasions, a leader could break the caste barriers. It happened in 2014, but the shine is gone. People of Uttar Pradesh have probably seen through the jumlas.

Uttar Pradesh can make or break the BJP in 2019. It gifted Narendra Modi 73 seats last time, and every seat it loses, it needs to win somewhere else -- from Northeast or Odisha or Bengal or Kerala or Tamil Nadu or wherever.

So these bypolls are not a headache for Modi. These were in fact warmup games. Now he knows his weaknesses, and, most importantly, has finished off one possible rival in Yogi Adityanath. ‘Bache tum pehle Gorakhpur sambhalo, desh ki mujh pe chhod do.’

So, what have we learnt?

1. Mayawati’s voters are loyal to her, they will vote for whoever she asks them to. Even if it means voting for Yadavs. Her bargaining power is up.

2. It is not necessary the SP and BSP stay together in 2019. The BJP could get Mayawati on its side, it has happened before, it could happen again.

3. The BJP could strike a backroom deal with Mayawati and she could fight elections alone, with some friendly fights thrown in.

4. The Congress won’t have much say if the SP and BSP stick together. Why waste seats on a party which doesn’t have a vote bank of its own? It should consider itself lucky if the SP and BSP give them Amethi and Rae Bareli.

The results in Bihar are more interesting. The combined might of the BJP and Nitish Kumar could not beat Lalu Yadav’s candidate in Araria. If the votes stayed as they were in 2014, the NDA candidate should have won hands down.

Two things are possible.

1. People are so upset with Nitish, his former voters have voted for Lalu.

2. BJP voters ditched Nitish’s candidate, now he is at their mercy. The BJP for instance doesn’t mind Nitish fighting elections alone. In 2014, when he did so, Nitish was reduced to two seats. And Lalu is unlikely to ally with the Bihar CM again if he were to break away from the BJP. In all these calculations, Nitish ends up the biggest loser.

Modi can change all these calculations of course. All he needs to do is promise another 15 lakh rupees in you bank account. That would be like adding sugar to the rice batter, and you will then get neiyappam instead of dosa or idli.

PS: Many will argue there is no urad dal in neiyappam. That is poetic licence.

Nirav Modi scam

4 top SC judges take on CJI

Eeda, the story of Kannur

I am just back from a vacation and depressed, and I am three Old Monk pegs down, yet I write this, because Eeda is a film that should be watched and talked about.

In the theatre I saw the film, there were two in the audience, I and an IT professional. When the film began, he was sitting in the last row, I somewhere in the middle. After the interval, we took seats next to each other, hoping our change of seats will make sure a good ending for the hero and heroine.

From the beginning the love affair between Anand and Aishwarya was doomed to fail. Their fate was sealed the day they fell in love, Sara had told me (she had watched the movie before me).

The two lovers come from BJP and CPM families in Kannur, that northern district of Kerala which has made national headlines, thanks to the bloodsport played by the two political parties.

The film is more than just a love affair. It is also about the longest political feud of India, one that has claimed over hundred lives in the last five decades or so. The film exposes both BJP and CPM in equal measure, though it doesn’t name them.

Shane Nigam has done a wonderful job, his dad Aby deserved to see his performance. Aby, himself an actor, died a few weeks before the film released.

The real star is Nimisha Sajayan. While writing the review of her previous film Thondimuthalum Driksakshiyum I had to Google-search her name. Now I am a fan.

Nimisha is an unlikely heroine. She isn’t fair, she isn’t glamorous, she isn’t size zero. What she is, is a versatile actor. Her expressions are priceless. The trepidation while proposing, the joy and relief when she knows Anand too likes her, the agony when she knows he comes from a BJP family, the futility, the anguish, the tragedy… You will fall in love with Aishwarya, you will pray for her and Anand, you will feel the despair, you will feel the pain, and you will feel helpless as the story unfolds.

Anand and Aishwarya are Romeo and Juliet, tweeted N.S. Madhavan. How I wish she was Cinderella and he the prince.

PS
This film must be shown to national media journalists who treat Kannur violence as a scorecard just like the BJP and CPM do. Everybody overlooks the human cost.

In my spirited exuberance, I failed to mention writer-director Ajithkumar. He has exposed how the BJP and CPM trample individual liberties in so-called party villages. Expect more and better films from him.