Baba Kutty vs other babas

Baba Narayanan Kutty's handbook on swamis, sex and sanyaas

I am just back from an undercover operation. A few months ago, when a godman was arrested in a sex assault case, I felt the urge to explore the world of spirituality. And since the police didn't seek my help in any manner, I had to satisfy my curiosity attending a camp by a local swami, not as exalted as the swami under investigation, but who is showing some real promise.

Any tapasya needs a certain amount of preparation. This one was no different. Before I went for the camp, I underwent a month-long orientation so that I would not be out of place, and more importantly so that I was worthy of my place in the congregation of swamis. I practised complete abstinence: no sex, no alcohol, no meat, no hate, no love, no desire.

But my one-month undercover stay busted many myths I had nurtured about sanyaas. Here are my findings.

1) The blame game

Case study

A bhakt, after getting tired of standing in the queue for hours and failing in getting an audience with the Swami, opted for the second best option available. He came to me. The bhakt was troubled because his business was not giving the returns he expected.

"Son, you are paying for your bad karma in your previous life," I said, "The man upstairs keeps an account of each and every activity of yours in all the lives you lived, and will be living. No escaping him."

"Does that mean my bad karma in this birth will affect my next life?"

"Certainly, son."

"I evaded tax worth some Rs 20 lakh," the bhakt counted his sins, "slept with my neighbour Sharma's wife, stole money from my business partner Varma."

"You may forget the tax bit, it anyway is a waste. But you will have to pay for your other karmas. Now you can only soften the blow by chanting god's name. Take refuge in Him, and He may forgive you. But I don't know if Sharmaji will forgive you, so stay away from him."

Conclusion

Always name someone or something as a reason for your bhakt's misfortune. You may blame karma, dharma, Sharma, Varma... it is up to you. You are safe as long as you don't blame the bhakt himself.

2) The Vedas

Case study

A bhakt came seeking happiness. He had all the riches but no happiness.

"The Vedas say every life has a purpose," I said, "You need to find yours." I was not sure if any of the Vedas said so, but I knew the bhakt was equally ignorant.

"How do I know what my life's purpose is?"

"Sometimes the realization comes in the form of inner voice, sometimes as a voice from the heaven. One never knows, there are no formulae when it comes to spirituality."

"Does it mean I stay unhappy till I know the purpose of my life?"

"Here swamis like us may be of some help. You say you have all the riches, but are not happy. May be you should share your wealth to be happy. I know you are a very busy man, and you cannot spend time on charity. Leave that to us."

He didn't look convinced.

"Have you heard of Karna? Daanaveera Karna. Once upon a time he too was a miser like you. One of the old puranas says Karna in his childhood had a liking for kheer or payasam. He would finish bowl after bowl of payasam without sharing it with anyone. The next day he would come down with an upset stomach. One night he heard a voice from the heaven, 'share your payasam, your troubles will be over.' After that he never turned away a person in need of help."

The client fell for it.

Conclusion

Cite Vedas when you are in trouble. Quote from puranas, we have so many of them like Skandapurana, Matsyapurana... Invent new puranas, make up stories if needed. Valmiki, Veda Vyasa are not coming to bust your little scam.

3) Quote shlokas

Case study

One particular devotee proved a hard nut. No amount of stories would make him see reason. Finally I looked at the skies, entered a deep thought and recited a shloka from the Gita.

"Bandhuraatmaatmanastasya yenaatmaivaatmanaa jitah,

Anaatmanastu shatrutve vartetaatmaiva shatruvath"

He had no choice, but to give in.

Conclusion

Learn a few shlokas by heart, they can be very handy

4) The wail of a woman in distress

Case study

Most of our swamis are Class 2 dropouts. Well I might be guilty of exaggeration there, but I am sure none of them have cleared Class 10. Some even became sanyasis even before they hit puberty. Many of them have grown up watching Shakti Kapur in action. So when a woman comes saying, "Swami, mein kuchch bhi karne ke liye taiyar hoon (I am ready to do anything)," it doesn't seem like a distress call but an invitation to sex and/or rape for our swamis.

At my swami's camp, a bhakta who came with exactly the same lines was taken inside for a purification ceremony.

Conclusion

Readers can draw their own conclusion

5) Pick your audience

Case study

A man in dhoti, with chandan smeared on forehead came to visit my swami. He had religious books in his bag, looked scholarly, spoke fluent Sanskrit. He had a tough time getting darshan of my swami, and when he finally got it, recited some shlokas, the origin and meaning of which are yet to be deciphered. After the flourish, the bhakt said, "I am troubled. Why this duplicity? Why is god doing this to me?"

My swami evidently had no clue about what had hit him, but kept his composure. "Son, you are doubting god, He whose actions are not to be explained to us mere mortals."

"Swami, god is my sakha, the book says. Is it how a friend treats you?"

"He is your sakha, but a divine sakha. He has his reasons for his leela. You will get your answers at an appropriate time. Now is not the time. Wait. Wait. Wait. A little patience has never hurt anyone. Knowledge comes through long, painful tapasya. It's not a crash course you attend at Brilliants or Aggarwals."

So said the swami, and out went the bhakt. My guru immediately hired two Sanskrit professors to find what the verse actually meant. He ticked off his staff for not vetting the audience.

"How did that clown get through the security?" He thundered. Two guards lost their jobs.

Conclusion

You have to pick your audience in this business. Scholars in Sanskrit look good on your payroll, not on your list of devotees.

6) The song and dance

Case study

Towards the end of the programme, a devotee came and sang bhajans in his sweet voice. I went into a trance. For an hour or so, I was seriously thinking of taking deeksha from the swami. Luckily power went off at some point, and I came back to my senses. I didn't stay there any longer.

Conclusion

It will do a world of good to a swami, if he hires some singers. The best and cheap options available would be failures in television talent hunt contests. No one remembers them, but many of them are real gems.

Observations about the industry

1) No labour problems

Most workers are volunteers. Get food for their services. Ninety-nine per cent don't draw any salary. In fact some 50 per cent donate their wealth to be volunteers.

2) Forex earners for the country

Established spiritual gurus earn valuable foreign exchange for the country. The government is working on a package of incentives to boost spirituality exports. Anything to save the rupee.

3) Highest profit margins

Spirituality business has the highest profit margins. In some cases the returns are as high as 80 per cent. The best of business houses in India don't have such returns. One of India's richest men is planning a spirituality venture.

AFTERWORD

I have now placed an ad in tomorrow's newspaper.

Narayanan Kutty Bhojananda Swamikal takes you on the path to god.

"Kya aap kuch bhi karne ke liye taiyyaar hain? (Are you ready to do anything?)"

Laddoo

(Children's Day Short Story taken from http://thadirajesh.blogspot.in)

The alarm clock rang at 5 o' clock in the morning. These days it is more punctual than the neighbour's cock, who had been the time keeper for Unni's village for years. Age seems to be catching up with Poovalan. Maybe he is enjoying his retirement days like grandpa. The good morning cock-ara-kkoo siren now is sounded well past 7.00 am.

Why did man invent clock? Couldn't he have left time alone? Unni ignored the alarm and turned over.

"Wake up."

Good things, like sleep, don't last long. In Unni's case, not beyond 5 am. Children should wake up early in the morning to study.

'Mind is fresh at that hour, free of everything. This is the time you will see algebra, physics and chemistry are human after all. Easily tamed.'

Unni's amma had told and retold the formula a million times. Unni was never convinced. Amma would say, "See you got 45 out of 50. If you didn't wake early, this would have been 30 out of 50." She would then go on to name children from the neighbourhood who scored poorly in exams only because they woke up late. Chandran, Kumaran, Satheesh, Raman...

Amma brought a vessel of cold water and placed Unni's feet in it. Another of her formulas to beat sleep. She then opened the mathematics textbook, chapter VI, and ticked a few questions for Unni to do.

Solve:

-4x + 4y = -48

3x + 8y = -63

Unni looked at the first question. He had often wondered why his algebra problems always involved x, y and z; or p, q and r; or a, b, and c. Were they a family like achan, amma and Unni. X married Y and had a son Z.

He asked his maths teacher, Sathi madam, the same question a few days ago.

"Why do our equations always have x, y and z? Why can't they be d, e and f; or g, h and i?"

"Because I named the unknowns x, y, and z. If you want to name them g, h and i, you are free to do so."

"Why do we need to name them?"

"Names help us identify things easily. For example, why did your mother name you Unnikrishnan."

"My mother tells me she named me Unnikrishnan because I look like Krishna when he was a child."

Sathi teacher smiled and then said, "If she named you Keshavan, you would be called Keshavan. If she named you Sekhar, you would be Sekhar."

"Then can I give my algebra equations nice names like Pachu and Kovalan. Like Pachu + Kovalan = Abdul Qadar."

At this Sathi teacher laughed loudly, the entire class joined her, "Yes, you can."

Unni felt very proud of his joke.

He then applied his formula on the given equation

Solve:

-4Pachu + 4Kovalan = -48

3Pachu + 8Kovalan = -63...

"Wake up Unni. You haven't done a single problem, it's already 7. Now get up and get ready for school."

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8 am

Unni goes to school

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5 pm

World over, children walk to school and run home, said a famous advertisement catchline. But Unni doesn't run home, he runs to the grounds near the coconut farm to play cricket. By the time he reached the ground, the match had started. His friends had picked him in a team.

At home, Amma made dosa and kept waiting for him. Hot dosa and chutney and milk mixed with Complan. Enough energy to pick up the thread where he left it at 7 am in the morning.

Solve:

-4x + 4y = -48

3x + 8y = -63

Amma still doesn't know of Unni's new system of nomenclature. But she knows evening is the next best time to study after early morning.

"He must have gone to play cricket with those good-for-nothings."

She took out a cane. It's not an ordinary cane. Much preparation has gone into making it the lethal weapon that it is.

"I have oiled it to perfection like your Sachin Tendulkar's bat," she often told her son.

Amma's cane is perfect for its intended use. It's elastic and bends to give maximum effect - leaves blood clots on the skin if effectively used. Unni's achan uses it more effectively than his mother. The cane is an extended arm for him like the bat is for Tendulkar.

Amma walked to the grounds stealthily and looked for her son. He was standing at the cover boundary, the last defence against Amit's deadly switch-hit, which he had made his own shot -- the village says Pietersen learnt it from Amit. But to Unni's amma, cricket made little sense, switch-hit made none at all.

The cane fell on Unni's thigh like a lightning. Just once. The boy didn't give his mother another chance to swing the cane. He ran, his mother chased, and the entire ground cheered them.

"Up, up Unni; down, down, aunty"

With 21 cricket players, 3 some cows, 5 goats and 4 dogs egging him on, Unni jumped on to a coconut tree, and climbed up till he reached the top - coconuts and leaves above his head, and the blue sky beyond. He looked down, and saw his mother sitting below. Then began the battle of nerves. The kind of thing he usually sees in Bollywood hostage dramas. Who'll blink first?

At some point, Unni's amma lowered her guard, and he, making full use of it, climbed half the way down, jumped the rest of the distance, and took off home. All the while he was cheered, "Up, up Unni; down, down aunty."

Amma ran behind him.

He had returned a hero, he felt like Sachin Tendulkar, though this happened every day. The chase, the climb, the jump were a habit for him just like scoring centuries was for Sachin.

All the heroics, however, were in vain. Unni did get a dose of the cane. The bad part was he didn't get the dosa and chutney. He was straightaway confronted with reality.

Solve:

-4x + 4y = -48

3x + 8y = -63

As Unni sat there sobbing, fighting tears, wrestling with numbers, his ammumma (grandma) consoled him.

"You study well and grow up. You will become a bigger cricketer than Sachin Tendulkar. But if you cry and don't do the sums, how will you become a cricketer?"

Unni wiped his tears and said, "You are stupid ammumma, cricketers don't need to learn maths."

"Yes, I do not now anything. Why don't you do the sum and teach me?"

At a distance Unni saw his grandpa coming. Muthachan was returning from the tea shop. His routine - a cup of tea and masala vada. And there is something else to his routine. Unni's eyes lit up with expectation.

"Unni come here," said muthachan, "Take these laddoos and don't forget to share it with your friends."

Off went Unni, again to the ground, in time for his batting.

"You are responsible for spoiling him," shouted amma from inside the kitchen.

Who inherits Nehru? Jasoos Kutty left out

ഉണ്ണിയപ്പം

( Children's Day Special Short Story. Taken from http://thadirajesh.blogspot.in )

കട്ടിലിന് അരികെയുള്ള ക്ലോക്ക് കൂട്ടമണി മുഴക്കി. സമയം രാവിലെ അഞ്ച്. ക്ലോക്ക് അച്ഛൻ രണ്ട്‌ മാസം മുൻപ് വാങ്ങിയതാണ്. അത് വരെ ഉണ്ണിയെ ഉണര്ത്തിയിരുന്നത് അയലത്തെ പൂവനാണ്. ഈയിടെ പൂവനു ഭയങ്കര മടി. പുള്ളി എഴുനേറ്റു കണ്ണ് കഴുകി കൂകുംബോഴേക്കും ഏഴു കഴിയും. പ്രായമായില്ലേ. മുത്തച്ചനെ പോലെ സർവീസിൽ നിന്നും വിരമിച്ചുകാണും. അവനു പെൻഷൻ വല്ലതും കിട്ടുന്നുണ്ടോ ആവോ.
മനുഷ്യൻ എന്തിനാണോ ക്ലോക്ക് കണ്ടുപിടിച്ചത്. അവനു സമയത്തെ എങ്കിലും വെറുതെ വിട്ടുകൂടായിരുന്നോ? ഉണ്ണി ആവലാതിപ്പെട്ട് കൊണ്ട് തിരിഞ്ഞു കിടന്നു.

"ഉണ്ണി, എഴുന്നേല്ക്കു കുട്ടാ."

നല്ല കാര്യങ്ങൾ അധിക സമയം നീളാറില്ല. ഉണ്ണിയുടെ ഉറക്കം 5 മണിക്കപ്പുറം പോകില്ല. പോകാൻ അമ്മ സമ്മതിക്കില്ല. 

"കുട്ടികൾ അതിരാവിലെ എഴുന്നേറ്റു പഠിക്കണം. മനസ്സ് ആ സമയം യാതൊരു അല്ലലുമില്ലാതെ എന്തും ചെയ്യാൻ പാകത്തിന് ഇരിക്കും. കണക്കും, ഫിസിക്സൂം, കെമിസ്ട്രിയും എല്ലാം നമ്മുടെ വരുതിയിൽ വരും."

അമ്മ ഒരായിരം വട്ടം ഇത് പറഞ്ഞിട്ടുണ്ട്. പക്ഷെ ഉണ്ണിക്കു വിശ്വാസം ഇല്ല. അപ്പോൾ അമ്മ പറയും, "ദേ നോക്ക്. നിനക്ക് കണക്കിന് 50-ഇൽ 45 കിട്ടിയില്ലേ. എന്താ കാര്യം. നീ രാവിലെ എഴുന്നെറ്റു പഠിക്കും.  അപ്പുറത്തെ ശങ്കരനും, മാധവനും, കേശവനും ഒക്കെ തോല്ക്കുന്നു. അവർ ആ സമയം കൂര്ക്കം വലിച്ചുറങ്ങും."

"എങ്കിൽ അമ്മക്ക് ഈ വിദ്യ അവരുടെ അമ്മമാരുടെ അടുത്ത് പറഞ്ഞു കൂടെ?" ഉണ്ണിയുടെ കുനിഷ്ട്‌ ചോദ്യം.

"നീ തര്ക്കുതതരം പറയാതെ ഇരുന്നു കണക്കു ചെയ്യു." ഇത്രയും പറഞ്ഞു അമ്മ അവന്റെ കാലുകൾ ഒരു പാത്രം വെള്ളത്തിൽ മുക്കി വെയ്ച്ചു.

Solve
-4x + 4y = -48
3x + 8y = -63

ഉണ്ണി പലപ്പോഴും ഇതാലോചിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ട്. കണക്കിലെന്താ എപ്പോഴും x, y, z; അഥവാ p, q, r; അഥവാ a, b, c. x-ഉം y-ഉം കല്യാണം കഴിചിട്ടുണ്ടായ കുട്ടിയാണോ z?

കഴിഞ്ഞ ആഴ്ച അവനതു ചോദിച്ചു, സതി ടീചറോട്.

"സമവാക്യങ്ങൾ എപ്പോഴും x, y, z എന്താണ്? എന്തു കൊണ്ട് d, e, f ആയിക്കൂടാ?"

"ആകാല്ലോ. ഉണ്ണി അവരെ d, e, f  എന്ന് പേരിട്ടോ."   

"എന്തിനാ നമ്മൾ അവര്ക്ക് പേരിടണെ?"

"തിരിച്ചറിയാൻ. അമ്മ ഉണ്ണിയുടെ പേര് ഉണ്ണി എന്ന് ഇട്ട പോലെ. അമ്മ നിന്നെ ശേഖർ എന്ന് വിളിചെങ്കിൽ നീ ശേഖർ ആയേനെ."

"എനിക്ക് ഈ x, y, z ഒട്ടും ഇഷ്ടപെട്ടില്ല, ഞാൻ അവര്ക്ക് പാച്ചു എന്നും കോവാലൻ എന്നും പേരിട്ടാലോ. Pachu + Kovalan = Abdul Qadar. എങ്ങനെ ഉണ്ട്?"

"കലക്കി." സതി ടീച്ചര് പൊട്ടിച്ചിരിച്ചു, കൂടെ മൊത്തം ക്ലാസും.

ഉണ്ണി തന്റെ ഫോര്മുല അങ്ങ് പ്രയോഗിച്ചു.


Solve
-4Pachu + 4Kovalan = -48
3Pachu + 8Kovalan = -63

അവൻ നിയമങ്ങള ഒക്കെ കാറ്റിൽ പറത്തി കണക്കുമായി ഗുസ്തി പിടിച്ചു. വാശിയേറിയ പോരാട്ടം. കണക്കിനും ഉണ്ടല്ലോ അഭിമാനം, വളരെ നേരം പയറ്റി. ഒടുവിൽ അവൻ അടിയറവു പറഞ്ഞു ഗോദയിൽ നിന്നും പുറത്തിറങ്ങി. ഉണ്ണി പതുക്കെ മയക്കത്തിലേക്കും.

"എടാ എണീക്കടാ. കണക്കു ചെയ്യാതെ ഇത് വരെ എന്ത് ചെയ്തു? സമയം ഏഴായി. എഴുനേറ്റു സ്കൂളിൽ പോകാൻ നോക്ക്."

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8 മണി

ഉണ്ണി സ്കൂളിലേക്ക് പോയി


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5 മണി

ലോകമാകമാനം കുട്ടികൾ സ്കൂളിലേക്ക് നടക്കുന്നു, തിരിച്ചു വീട്ടിലേക്കു ഓടുന്നു. പറഞ്ഞതു ഒരു പരസ്യവാചകം. പക്ഷെ ഉണ്ണി തിരിച്ചു മൈതാനത്തെക്കാണ് ഓടുന്നത്. ഇന്ന് അവൻ എത്തിയപ്പോൾ വൈകി. കളി തുടങ്ങി കഴിഞ്ഞിരുന്നു. അവനെ ടീമിൽ എടുത്തിട്ടുണ്ട്. ഫീല്ടിംഗ് ആണ്.

വീട്ടിൽ അമ്മ ചൂട് ദോശയും, ചമ്മന്തിയും, കോമ്പ്ലാനും ആയി കാത്തിരുന്നു. ഏഴു മണിക്ക് വിട്ടിടത് വീണ്ടും തുടങ്ങാൻ അവനെ കാത്തു ഒരു സമവാക്യവും ഉണ്ട്.

"ഇന്നും അവൻ വൈകിയല്ലോ, അവിടെ ക്രിക്കെറ്റ് കളിക്കാൻ പോയി കാണും, ഞാൻ ഒന്ന് നോക്കട്ടെ."

ഒരു ചൂരൽ എടുത്തു. അതിന്റെ ചൂടറിയാത്ത ഒരു കുട്ടി പോലും ആ നാട്ടിലില്ല. 

"ഇത് ഞാൻ എണ്ണ ഒഴിച്ച് തയ്യാറാക്കിയ പ്രത്യേക ചൂരൽ ആണ്, നിന്റെ സച്ചിന്റെ ബാറ്റ് പോലെ," അമ്മ പലപ്പോഴും ഉണ്ണിയോട് പറഞ്ഞിട്ടുണ്ട്.

പറഞ്ഞത് ശരിയാണ്. ഉപയോഗിക്കാൻ അറിയാമെങ്കിൽ ഇതിലും മാരകമായ വേറെ ആയുധം വേറെ ഇല്ല. ചോര പൊടിക്കും ആഞ്ഞു ഒന്ന് തല്ലിയാൽ. ചൂരൽ പ്രയോഗത്തിൽ അച്ഛൻ ആണ് അമ്മയേക്കാൾ വേന്ദ്രൻ.

അമ്മ മൈതാനത്തേക്ക്‌ പോയി. അവിടെ മകൻ ഫീല്ടിംഗ് ചെയ്യുന്നു. കവർ ബൌണ്ടറിയിൽ. അമിതിന്റെ ഇടൻ കയ്യൻ ഷോട്ട് തടുക്കാൻ അവസാനത്തെ പ്രതിരോധം. പീറെര്സേൻ സ്വിച്ച് ഹിറ്റ്‌ പഠിച്ചത് അമിതിന്റെ അടുത്ത് നിന്നാണ്. ഭാരിച്ച ചുമതലയാണ് ഉണ്ണിയുടെത്.

ഇത് വല്ലതും അമ്മയുണ്ടോ അറിയുന്നു. കൊടുത്തു ഒരു കീറു അവന്റെ തുടയ്ക്കു. പുളഞ്ഞു പോയി ഉണ്ണി. അടുത്ത ചൂരൽ കഷായം  വരും മുമ്പേ അവൻ ഓടി.

ഉണ്ണി മുൻപിൽ, അമ്മ പുറകെ. ഒരു ഒളിമ്പിക്സ് പ്രതീതി. കാണികളുടെ പിന്തുണ ഉണ്ണിയ്ക്ക്. 21 ക്രിക്കെറ്റ് കളിക്കാരും, 3 പശുക്കളും, 6 ആടുകളും, 4-5 പട്ടികളും ആർപ്പു വിളിച്ചു.

"അപ്പ്‌, അപ്പ്‌ ഉണ്ണി; ഡൌണ്‍, ഡൌണ്‍ ഉണ്ണീടമ്മ"

നാടും കാടും ആകെ ഹരം പിടിച്ചിരിക്കുമ്പോൾ ഉണ്ണിയുടെ വക ഒരു ഹൈ ജമ്പ്, നേരെ തെങ്ങിന്റെ മേലെ. അവൻ കയറി, മതിയാവോളം. ഒടുക്കം തെങ്ങിന്റെ മുകളിൽ എത്തി. ഇനിയങ്ങോട്ട് വഴിയില്ല. താഴെ അമ്മ കാത്തിരിക്കുന്നു ചൂരലുമായി. കുറെ നേരം അങ്ങനെ പോയി. പിന്നെ എപ്പോഴോ, അമ്മയുടെ നോട്ടം തെറ്റിയപ്പോൾ ഉണ്ണി ചാടിയിറങ്ങി ഓടി വീടിലേക്ക്‌. പിറകിൽ കാണികളുടെ ആര്പ്പു വിളി.

"അപ്പ്‌, അപ്പ്‌ ഉണ്ണി; ഡൌണ്‍, ഡൌണ്‍ ഉണ്ണീടമ്മ"

ആ നിമിഷം അവനു തോന്നി അവൻ സച്ചിനാണെന്നു. ഒരു സെഞ്ച്വറി അടിച്ച നിർവൃതി. അധിക നേരം നിന്നില്ല സന്തോഷം. കിട്ടി കണക്കിലേറെ ചൂരൽ. കിട്ടാഞ്ഞതു ദോശയും, ചമ്മന്തിയും, കോമ്പ്ലാനും.

വീണ്ടും ഉണ്ണിയും, കണക്കും നേർക്കുനേർ. അവൻ കരഞ്ഞു കൊണ്ട് പയറ്റു തുടങ്ങി.

Solve
-4x + 4y = -48
3x + 8y = -63

"മോനെ, നീ നന്നായി പഠിച്ചാൽ സച്ചിനെക്കാൾ വലിയ കളിക്കാരനാകും. കുട്ടൻ ആ കണക്കൊന്നു ചെയ്തേ," അമ്മൂമ്മയുടെ സാന്ത്വനം.

"അമ്മൂമ്മക്കെന്തറീയാം! ക്രിക്കെറ്റ് കളിക്കാർക്ക്‌ കണക്കു പഠിക്കണ്ട."

"ശരി അമ്മൂമയ്ക്ക് ഒന്നും അറിയില്ല. നീ ആ കണക്കൊന്നു പഠിപ്പിച്ചു താ."

ദൂരെ മുത്തഛൻ നടന്നു വരുന്നത് കാണാം. എന്നും വൈകിട്ട് ഒരു സർകീട്ട് ഉണ്ട് ചായ കടയിലേക്ക്. ഒരു ഗ്ലാസ്‌ ചായയും ഉഴുന്ന് വടയും. അതാണ്‌ പതിവ്. പിന്നെ തിരിച്ച് വരുമ്പോൾ വേറെ ഒരു പതിവ്.

"എടാ ഉണ്ണി, നീ ഇങ്ങോട്ട് ഒന്ന് വന്നേ. ഇതെന്താ കൊണ്ട് വന്നത് എന്ന് നോക്കിയേ."

ഒരു പൊതി ഉണ്ണിയപ്പം.

"നീ ഇത് കഴിക്ക്, നിന്റെ ചങ്ങാതിമാര്ക്കും കൊടുക്ക്‌."

ഉണ്ണി ഓടി പൊതിയുമായി, അവന്റെ ബാറ്റിങ്ങിന് സമയമായിട്ടുണ്ടായിരുന്നു.

"നിങ്ങളാ അവനെ വഷളാക്കുന്നെ,"  അടുക്കളയില നിന്നും അമ്മ അലറി.

Jasoos Kutty's take on Sachin Tendulkar autobiography

Jasoos Narayanan Kutty’s kiss for a cause

Scientists say it is a state caused by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that has a calming effect on the body. It soothes the mind. In an elevated state of passion, oxytocin is accompanied by the dopamine and norepinephrine, two other hormones. 

I don’t know which of these hormones worked, but day before yesterday I felt a tremendous urge to kiss Sara. And as it would happen the temptation was mutual. That is when I saw the news TV flashing that organizers of a kiss parade in Kochi were seeking the police’s permission. Then I heard someone had moved court to stop people from kissing. 

As a law-abiding citizen I put in my own application for a permit to kiss. And I sent copies of the same to the Kerala Moral Police, who enforce a moral code of conduct much more efficiently than the Election Commission pushes its code. I also sent one copy to TV channels that keep hidden cameras to catch couples kissing. I just don’t want to offend anyone. No, I didn’t send any copy to Sara’s ex-boyfriend. A broken heart will never understand the virtue of self-sacrifice and non-violence. He will have to be in the dark about this.

It so happens the police have a single window clearance for applications for licence to kiss. As do the moral police. I got a response within 24 hours.

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REPLY FROM KERALA POLICE

Dear Mr Kutty,

We have received your application for Licence to Kiss. We are glad to inform that you may undertake the kiss (hereon referred to as the act) within the territorial limits of the state of Kerala, provided you satisfy the following terms and conditions fully.

TERMS

1) The act should not be committed within a distance of 75 metres from the following, namely:

a) Major educational institutions
b) Religious Places
c) Hospitals with fifty beds and above
d) Restaurants
e) Parks

Explanation I :- For the purpose of Clause (a) above, major educational institutions would mean middle and higher secondary schools, colleges and other institutions of higher learning recognised by the Government of Kerala or the Government of India.

Explanation II :- For the purpose of Clause (b) above, a religious place would imply a religious place having a pucca structure with a  covered area of more than 400 sq feet.

Explanation III :- The measurement of distance shall be from the mid-point of actual premises proposed for the act to mid-point of the actual main door/entrance of the building of the places mentioned in clauses (a), (b), (c), (d), (e) above.

2) The applicant must seek views of the public/residents, giving them 7 days’ time to file objections before the licensing authority. This has to be done through pasting of notices and also through public announcement in the area. A proper no objection certificate from the Resident Welfare Association or any other local sabha must be procured before the act is committed.

Any breach of the conditions will result in immediate cancellation of the licence.

Signature
Licencing Authority
Kerala Police
Our motto: Kiss Responsibly

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REPLY FROM KERALA MORAL POLICE

Dear Mr Kutty,

We have received your application for permission to kiss one Ms Sara. For convenience of the public, and safeguarding Indian Culture we have prescribed a few guidelines under a new Indian Moral Code that we have prepared in consultation with all stakeholders.

GUIDELINES

1) Every plan to kiss must be informed to the nearest branch of the moral police at least 24 hours before the actual act

2) If the nearest branch of the moral police is 30 kilometres or more from the venue of kiss, the notice period becomes 48 hours

3) If the moral police are not able to arrange enough TV cameras at the venue, the act may have to be postponed till the necessary arrangements are in place.

4) We are particularly interested in the dress to be worn during the act, the application should mention the same

5) The form should clearly mention the genders of the two applicants

6) Once the permission is granted, the act has to be undertaken. Forfeiture of permit to kiss will attract a fine of Rs 5,000

Signature

Kerala Moral Police
Our motto: (Still searching for one)

**************************************

There is one thing about oxytocin. It doesn’t wait for anyone.

Jasoos Kutty kissed Sara on November 2, without the permit. He kissed for a cause.