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| Jasoos Kutty for PM Illustration by Karimeen |
My dearest Kutty,
It has been 20 days since you left the green shores of God’s Own Country for the desert in Mallu’s Own Country. In this period a lot has happened here. The country at large and I, in particular, are missing your timely diagnosis and prognosis of socio-economic and political happenings in this wonderful and vibrant democracy of ours. Every time our friend Arvind Kejriwal is slapped, I wonder if it would have happened had you been by his side. I will first tell you what has been happening in a masala nutshell.
1) BJP leaders have turned up the heat, and are now freely and frequently threatening not just Muslims, but also Hindus who criticise Narendra Modi. I don’t know what to make of it.
2) Priyanka Vadra is making regular appearances in the rally circuit. She is attacking Modi over snoopgate. Every now and then she vows to fight allegations against her husband. What is the plan here?
3) Attacks on the Aam Aadmi Party are increasing day by day. People have thrown ink, eggs and punches at their leader Kejriwal. Other AAP leaders like Yogendra Yadav and Somnath Bharti have fared no better. To help you analyse the situation better, since I know how much you value forensic evidence, I will give you what I could gather from the television footage of the slap/punch Kejriwal so graciously accepted without a murmur of protest. Here are the specifics
a) The assaulter was on the ground
b) Kejriwal was in an open jeep
c) The assaulter climbed the jeep
d) He first garlanded Kejriwal before launching his fist
e) The punch landed on Kejriwal’s face somewhere between his left eye and nose
f) The punch was similar to a right upper cut typical of Mike Tyson, and landed at a 30-degree angle
g) The result was a swelling roughly 2 inches in diameter, and half an inch in thickness
4) A principal of a well-known Mumbai college has written a letter to students punching holes in the Modi Model of Development. The BJP has complained to the Election Commission against the Principal. Their reaction somehow makes me think the academician’s letter will do to Modi what Kejriwal, Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi and Priyanka Vadra couldn’t do.
5) As advised by you, I approached the major political parties two days ahead of the voting in our area to collect our quota of alcohol. But this time they didn’t oblige.
Last night I chanced upon a song from Gharonda: ‘Do deewane shahar me.’ It instantly reminded me of us. I think it is time we have a roof to ourselves. You need not worry, I have worked out everything. A 3-bedroom flat in Delhi costs roughly Rs 1 crore. All you need is to take a loan of Rs 90 lakh. The EMI would come to around Rs 70,000. I can pitch in with 10,000, but if you give me a substantial pay hike, I can increase my share to 20,000. Over 10 years, we might end up paying some 90 lakh rupees in interest, but the price appreciation will be much, much more than that. A flat is the safest investment one can make.
So, how are things there? When are you returning? I know the project is taking a toll on you. All that work under the sun in the desert…. Oh my God! Every time your mind wanders, your resolve shows signs of breaking, just think of me and the flat we plan to book. It will motivate you to finish your work. I have bought thailams and kuzhambu already. When you return, I will give you the massage you really deserve. Just imagine.
Yours only
Saramma
My dearest Sarakutty,
You will wonder why the change. Saramma sounds very matronly, you deserve better.
It, however, pains me to say while you are excelling in your role of secretary, you are failing as a lover. Your letter to me fell short by many miles, I can’t describe it as a love letter by any yardstick. I suggest you watch the Malayalam movie in which Mammootty gets that beautiful inland from Seema, the kind I have been waiting for ever since. You raised my hopes but…
As to the happenings in Bharatvarsha, here is my analysis for whatever it is worth
1) Packing Modi critics off to Pakistan
Narendra Modi’s fans see a conspiracy in every bit of criticism. They won’t tolerate any other world view but theirs. So junk masala dosa and chicken chettinad, start eating khichdi and dal chawal, I have heard that’s what he likes most. It will be tough in the beginning, but you will get used to it. Every time your mind wanders, your resolve shows signs of breaking, just think of what life would be under Taliban.
2) Priyanka on the offensive
The cardinal rule of politics is once you start practising this craft, don’t get fazed by allegations, whether true or false, and don’t feel shy of making allegations against your rivals, whether true or false. It’s all in good spirit. Priyanka knows it, and that should make her a good politician.
3) The attack on Kejriwal & Co
Your research, though very exhaustive, missed one point, the most important one. After being punched on the left cheek, did he offer his right cheek to the attacker? The answer will tell us what he wants to be known as: Che Kejriwal or Mahatma Kejriwal?
4) Controversy over St Xavier’s letter to students
These elections are being fought on television channels and social media more than at rallies. Election meetings of Modi, Rahul and Kejriwal are telecast live on more than 600 TV channels, taking them to drawing rooms across the country. Those who are awed by the Modi magic, just imagine what Vajpayee and Indira could have done with 600 channels by their side. The letter controversy, by the way, is what my friend calls a f***-and-forget campaign. Minimum effort, maximum impact.
5) No free booze
The BJP thinks it has won the elections, the Congress thinks it has lost, so the local leaders must be keeping the bottles for themselves. No booze, no vote. Jasoos Kutty for Prime Minister. I am filing my nomination.
Coming to your proposal to book a flat, may I point out something! A 3-bed room flat with refrigerator, washing machine, dish washer, LED television and air-conditioners is what wives look for, not lovers.
Lovers are never practical, they are dreamers. Don’t they say love is blind?
Let me paint a picture for you. A thatched hut near a stream. Across the flowing water, green hills. You can hear the cuckoo singing from a distance. A mango tree near the hut, its branches weighed down by ripe fruits. A cool breeze blows carrying the fragrance of the delicious, juicy mangoes. Every time the wind blows, the leaves of the banyan tree rustle, the bamboo whistles. In the courtyard, on a charpoy, I sit taking in the views and music. And you slowly and gently scratch my back. Aha! Bliss.
Simple, pure, innocent love.
I have always wanted to ask you this, but I could never muster the courage. Now, in this moment of loneliness, under the moon-lit sky in the cool desert, aided and abetted by Arabian arrack, I pop the question: Will you scratch my back? I will scratch yours.
Yours only
Jasoos Narayanan Kutty
Follow me on twitter @jasooskutty
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