Friday, 8 June 2018

If Hedgewar was a great son of Mother India, who was Gandhi?

Last week I was having beer with a few friends. At some point we decided to go to Haridwar. I was bored of drinking at home, wanted to drink in a new setting. Of course I wanted to take a dip in Ganga to absolve myself of all sins that I had committed till then, so that I could start committing new sins.

The point is there was a purpose to that trip. We do things purposefully, even if we don’t acknowledge it. Now what inspired former president Pranab Mukherjee to fly down to Nagpur and attend the RSS convocation ceremony?

There could be many reasons.

Mukherjee says dialogue is the essence of democracy. One should keep the dialogue on. So he wants to have a dialogue with an organisation which couldn’t tolerate a nuanced homage to Muhammed Ali Jinnah by L.K. Advani in Pakistan.

Advani had said, “His (Jinnah’s) address to the Constituent Assembly of Pakistan on August 11, 1947, is really a classic, a forceful espousal of a secular state in which, while every citizen would be free to practise his own religion, the state shall make no distinction between one citizen and another on grounds of faith.”

The RSS cracked down on Advani and later Jaswant Singh who wrote a book on Jinnah. This is their level of intolerance and Mukherjee wants us to believe he wanted to have a dialogue with the RSS.

Mukherjee probably rates his oratorical skills very highly. He may have thought he can reform, if not the Sangh leadership, the fresh graduates and make them give up their Hindu rashtra dreams. He is probably reassured by the successes he had while playing the role of mediator for the UPA. He had handled Anna Hazare so well his prodigy ended up becoming the CM; he neutralised Ramdev, who became a business tycoon, if not for Pranab the yoga guru could have become the UP CM for all you know.

Don’t let the Pranabda fan club in the media mislead you. Mukherjee didn’t go to the lion’s den and take the bull by its horns.

The speech in itself was mediocre. It could have been any of the speeches he made as President of India after Narendra Modi came to power. He just toned it down a bit, edited out references to gau raksha, lynchings, bigotry. In its place he copied a few lines from his other speeches about the 5,000 year old Indian civilisation, the sone ki chidiya that India was, the glory of Nalanda, all that are music to RSS ears. A Sangh spokesperson on TV channels said as much -- he said pretty much what we say. 

Mukherjee quoted Jawahar Lal Nehru from his book Discovery of India, but made only a passing reference to Gandhi. He said, “As Gandhiji explained Indian nationalism was not exclusive, nor aggressive, nor destructive.” Just one line on the Father of the Nation who spearheaded a freedom struggle that was boycotted by the RSS. Gandhi who lost his life to the ideology of RSS almost became a footnote in his speech, though it appeared in the middle somewhere.

The real news came a few hours before the speech. From the memorial of RSS founder K.B. Hedgewar. There Mukherjee noted in the visitors’ log, “Today I came here to pay my respect and homage to a great son of Mother India.” Anyone who reads it would think Hedgewar was some big hero who was denied his due by a repressionist regime for decades.

You could argue there is no need to read much into it. It was just an old man writing something about a dead man because he had to do write something. Journalists quoted ‘sources close to him’ as saying “What does one say of a dead man, especially who has been the Organising Committee Chairman of the AICC Session in 1920?”

Anything. He could have written anything. Mukherjee made a career out of writing convoluted, un-understandable resolutions with sentences so long, one would lose count and sight of the commas and semicolons. Anything Mukherjee writes, there is a method to it.

Arun Shourie very famously described the Modi govt as UPA + cow. Mukherjee’s speech was a bit like that -- RSS minus the bigotry.
So what was the purpose behind the speech?

The only good defence in Mukherjee’s favour I can think of is - he was bored, visited RSS headquarters for some sightseeing and went back after a guided tour.

In describing Hedgewar as a great son of Mother India, Mukherjee came off as an opportunist,  a backstabber and coward.

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Praise the Modi or why archbishops need to shut up

Dear Filipe Neri Ferrao

Pardon my ignorance. This is the first time I am writing to an archbishop, I don’t know what is the proper way to address one. But the speed at which archbishops are issuing election advisories (again the wrong use of words), I have taken it upon myself to give you a few reasons why your club should keep quiet on politics.

1. Christians don’t count

In a country of 100 crore people, the 2.8 crore Christian population is like a drop in the ocean. You can influence elections in Kerala and the Northeast but not anywhere else.

2. Who cares for your criticism?

There was a time when a negative comment by an archbishop would embarrass the government of the day. Not anymore. Now it’s a badge of honour.

3. Why the trouble?

Why even take pains to issue such edicts. If your followers need to be told not to vote for Modi, then you might rather stay silent.

4. It’s a boomerang

Any comment by the Church on secularism, Constitution will be sold as as a Vatican conspiracy by the Sangh Parivar and the media through whatsapp and facebook. So much so we have started thinking secularism is a dirty word and a crime to boot.

5. Prayers don't count

If you truly believe weekly prayers are going to topple Narendra Modi, you must be the biggest believer in the world, bigger than even the Pope.

Hope you get the drift.

With best wishes

Jasoos Narayanan Kutty

Praise the Modi

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

Why can’t Rahul Gandhi become the PM?

Rahul Gandhi has said he will be the Prime Minister if the Congress is the largest party. Quite a lot of people are surprised by this admission. Especially the media.

I don’t know why.

What did you expect? That he does all the hard work, run from temple to temple, visit churches and masjids in between, and then if the Congress wins the elections, anoint somebody else as the PM.

Yes, he and his mom have done it in the past. He could have become the PM anytime he wanted between 2004 and 2014. Manmohan Singh did everything, other than beg, to make him a minister in the Cabinet.

The guy has decided ‘not any more’. If he wins the elections he will be the PM. And why not?

Because he is a Pappu?

If he was ridiculed as Pappu earlier, today the word is looked upon as ‘cute’, especially since a name called Feku gained currency.

Because he doesn’t have the brains?

We are not aware if he is capable of any policy making. But there is one guarantee, he won’t do a demonetisation. He qualifies on that one count.

Because he will be dependent on people like Sam Pitroda?

It is always better to have good and informed advisors. Hopefully his kitchen cabinet won’t be quack economists, babas & swamis.

Because he is not 56 chhati?

He is a regular at the gym and may have a four-pack, if that helps.

Because he is not a fakir with a jhola?

Rahul has shown his kurta pockets have holes in them. You can’t be more fakir than that.

Because he is a Gandhi?

If a doctor's son can become a doctor, an engineer's son can become an engineer, a scavenger's son must become a scavenger, a Gandhi's son can become a PM. Anyway, it's not his fault Modi and Vajpayee aren’t married.

There is only one reason why Rahul Gandhi can’t become the PM.

Because he doesn’t have the numbers. Once he has them, it's his job to take.

Friday, 4 May 2018

President Kovind is busy, please do not disturb


A few filmmakers are terribly upset the President of India didn’t personally hand over the national awards they won. They just boycotted the event. A few others attended the event and accepted the awards from the I&B minister. The event is over, but now everyone is fighting over why the few pricey, arrogant, pain-in-the-ass variety filmmakers skipped the function.

Now these filmmakers may have felt insulted or disappointed. They have their reasons for that. But President Ram Nath Kovind has his reasons for scaling down his presence too.

Nobody is speaking for the President, so I have decided to take up that onerous task.

Kovind is the President of India, the world’s largest democracy. He is the commander in chief of the world’s fourth largest army. In the pantheon of world leaders he is right there along with Donald Trump, Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un, etc. What I mean to say is, he is a busy man.

So busy he has so far not been able to explore the Rs 16,000 crore palace he lives in. At 2 lakh square feet, his house is several times larger than the Lulu Mall many of you silly Mallus go to on weekends and during vacations. There are 340 rooms there, most of the times he gets lost I guess, it is humanly not possible to know exactly where these 340 rooms are. The bigger trouble is he has over 750 employees, there have been presidents who completed their terms without getting to know the names of even 10 of them. 

This is in addition to a 13 acre garden, swimming pool, golf course, football field, tennis courts and other random stuff that needs to be taken care of. Yes, there are many caretakers there, but there are so many of them, they too need some care-taking.

That is not all. Every now and then a file lands up from the Union govt or the 29 state govts or the 7 centrally administered territories. They need to be signed, most of the times he doesn’t even have to read them. On some occasions he needs to seek the advice of the home ministry, which tells him what to do. The trouble is when he gets files he needs to sit on. There are quite a few of them, they are kept in another room. Sometimes the files stay there for such a long time, the staff forgets where they kept it, and a search is needed.

The President also has to host dinner and lunch for visiting dignitaries. Preparations for these begin months in advance. What cutlery to use for example. If you need to snub someone, serve them food in stainless steel plates. Or serve just dhoklas and masala dosas to a guest who relishes non-vegetarian food. This is how diplomatic messages are put across. A lot of thought goes into all of this.

Now you might ask how past presidents found time to hand over awards. They were too old to do any of this work.

The current president we have is putting a value to time. No waste of unnecessary time. Conferring one award would take one minute, so 137 of them would mean more than 2 hours. Now tell me friends how does he find time for this after all the work he has to do. 

Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Do It Yourself: How to become a successful swami

I am just back from an undercover operation. A few months ago, when a godman was arrested in a sex assault case, I felt the urge to explore the world of spirituality. And since the police didn't seek my help in any manner, I had to satisfy my curiosity attending a camp by a local swami, not as exalted as the swami under investigation, but who is showing some real promise.

Any tapasya needs a certain amount of preparation. This one was no different. Before I went for the camp, I underwent a month-long orientation so that I would not be out of place, and more importantly so that I was worthy of my place in the congregation of swamis. I practised complete abstinence: no sex, no alcohol, no meat, no hate, no love, no desire.

But my one-month undercover stay busted many myths I had nurtured about sanyaas. Here are my findings.

1) THE BLAME GAME

Case study

A bhakt, after getting tired of standing in the queue for hours and failing in getting an audience with the Swami, opted for the second best option available. He came to me. The bhakt was troubled because his business was not giving the returns he expected.

"Son, you are paying for your bad karma in your previous life," I said, "The man upstairs keeps an account of each and every activity of yours in all the lives you lived, and will be living. No escaping him."

"Does that mean my bad karma in this birth will affect my next life?"

"Certainly, son."

"I evaded tax worth some Rs 20 lakh," the bhakt counted his sins, "slept with my neighbour Sharma's wife, stole money from my business partner Varma."

"You may forget the tax bit, it anyway is a waste. But you will have to pay for your other karmas. Now you can only soften the blow by chanting god's name. Take refuge in Him, and He may forgive you. But I don't know if Sharmaji will forgive you, so stay away from him."

Conclusion

Always name someone or something as a reason for your bhakt's misfortune. You may blame karma, dharma, Sharma, Varma... it is up to you. You are safe as long as you don't blame the bhakt himself.

2) THE VEDAS

Case study

A bhakt came seeking happiness. He had all the riches but no happiness.

"The Vedas say every life has a purpose," I said, "You need to find yours." I was not sure if any of the Vedas said so, but I knew the bhakt was equally ignorant.

"How do I know what my life's purpose is?"

"Sometimes the realization comes in the form of inner voice, sometimes as a voice from the heaven. One never knows, there are no formulae when it comes to spirituality."

"Does it mean I stay unhappy till I know the purpose of my life?"

"Here swamis like us may be of some help. You say you have all the riches, but are not happy. May be you should share your wealth to be happy. I know you are a very busy man, and you cannot spend time on charity. Leave that to us."
He didn't look convinced.

"Have you heard of Karna? Daanaveera Karna. Once upon a time he too was a miser like you. One of the old puranas says Karna in his childhood had a liking for kheer or payasam. He would finish bowl after bowl of payasam without sharing it with anyone. The next day he would come down with an upset stomach. One night he heard a voice from the heaven, 'share your payasam, your troubles will be over.' After that he never turned away a person in need of help."

The client fell for it.

Conclusion

Cite Vedas when you are in trouble. Quote from puranas, we have so many of them like Skandapurana, Matsyapurana... Invent new puranas, make up stories if needed. Valmiki, Veda Vyasa are not coming to bust your little scam.

3) QUOTE SHLOKAS 

Case study

One particular devotee proved a hard nut. No amount of stories would make him see reason. Finally I looked at the skies, entered a deep thought and recited a shloka from the Gita.

"Bandhuraatmaatmanastasya yenaatmaivaatmanaa jitah,
Anaatmanastu shatrutve vartetaatmaiva shatruvath"

He had no choice, but to give in.

Conclusion

Learn a few shlokas by heart, they can be very handy

4) THE WAIL OF A WOMAN IN DISTRESS 

Case study

Most of our swamis are Class 2 dropouts. Well I might be guilty of exaggeration there, but I am sure none of them have cleared Class 10. Some even became sanyasis even before they hit puberty. Many of them have grown up watching Shakti Kapur in action. So when a woman comes saying, "Swami, mein kuchch bhi karne ke liye taiyar hoon (I am ready to do anything)," it doesn't seem like a distress call but an invitation to sex and/or rape for our swamis.

At my swami's camp, a bhakta who came with exactly the same lines was taken inside for a purification ceremony.

Conclusion

Readers can draw their own conclusion

5) PICK YOUR AUDIENCE

Case study

A man in dhoti, with chandan smeared on forehead came to visit my swami. He had religious books in his bag, looked scholarly, spoke fluent Sanskrit. He had a tough time getting darshan of my swami, and when he finally got it, recited some shlokas, the origin and meaning of which are yet to be deciphered. After the flourish, the bhakt said, "I am troubled. Why this duplicity? Why is god doing this to me?"

My swami evidently had no clue about what had hit him, but kept his composure. "Son, you are doubting god, He whose actions are not to be explained to us mere mortals."

"Swami, god is my sakha, the book says. Is it how a friend treats you?"

"He is your sakha, but a divine sakha. He has his reasons for his leela. You will get your answers at an appropriate time. Now is not the time. Wait. Wait. Wait. A little patience has never hurt anyone. Knowledge comes through long, painful tapasya. It's not a crash course you attend at Brilliants or Aggarwals."

So said the swami, and out went the bhakt. My guru immediately hired two Sanskrit professors to find what the verse actually meant. He ticked off his staff for not vetting the audience.

"How did that clown get through the security?" He thundered. Two guards lost their jobs.

Conclusion

You have to pick your audience in this business. Scholars in Sanskrit look good on your payroll, not on your list of devotees.

6) THE SONG AND DANCE 

Case study

Towards the end of the programme, a devotee came and sang bhajans in his sweet voice. I went into a trance. For an hour or so, I was seriously thinking of taking deeksha from the swami. Luckily power went off at some point, and I came back to my senses. I didn't stay there any longer.

Conclusion

It will do a world of good to a swami, if he hires some singers. The best and cheap options available would be failures in television talent hunt contests. No one remembers them, but many of them are real gems.

OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THE INDUSTRY 

1) No labour problems

Most workers are volunteers. Get food for their services. Ninety-nine per cent don't draw any salary. In fact some 50 per cent donate their wealth to be volunteers.

2) Forex earners for the country

Established spiritual gurus earn valuable foreign exchange for the country. The government is working on a package of incentives to boost spirituality exports. Anything to save the rupee.

3) Highest profit margins

Spirituality business has the highest profit margins. In some cases the returns are as high as 80 per cent. The best of business houses in India don't have such returns. One of India's richest men is planning a spirituality venture.

AFTERWORD

I have now placed an ad in tomorrow's newspaper.

Narayanan Kutty Bhojanananda Swamikal takes you on the path to god.

"Kya aap kuch bhi karne ke liye taiyyaar hain? (Are you ready to do anything?)"