Friday, 26 April 2019
7 reasons why I idolise Modi
PM Narendra Modi goes to the jungle when he wants to introspect or contemplate big issues of life like how to eat the mango. Who take so much trouble - taking a bus to the jungle, staying there for a whole week, drinking a cup of tea and waiting for nirvana to happen. I just go to the balcony and take a bottle of Jawan rum with me. I just had two double large and it got me thinking. Why am I a Modi fan? Since I am still high as I put it on paper, I will be brutally honest.
1. Modi an inspiration for the average student
Modi comes from a humble background. You will say Manmohan too was a poor chap, a victim of partition who rebuilt his life, secured a doctorate in economics from Cambridge or Oxford or wherever, headed the central bank of India and went on to become the Prime Minister. That is the difference. Modi did none of that and yet became the Prime Minister. He is an inspiration for the millions of average students like us who have grown up suffering lectures from our parents on the importance of studies. ‘Learn English and maths and you are through,’ was the common refrain. Now we know all that was not needed. If I may say, Modi is the Bill Gates of politics.
2. Muslims have been shown their place
I ask those lecturing about secularism why should I bother about Muslims. I hardly meet any in the offices I work or where I live. I hear their population is rising. Whatsapp tells me they are always plotting something or the other. The Modi govt has shown them their place, and it doesn’t add to much. No more minority vote bank deciding who rules India. Before you accuse me of Islamophobia, let me make it clear I like the biryanis, kababs, haleem and mutton barra they make.
3. The myth of saffron terror
Hindus don’t commit acts of terror. They only lynch or murder. Terrorism is the sole preserve of Muslims. You doubt me? Look around the globe. The US, Europe, Sri Lanka… A few people argue Muslims are the largest victims of terrorism, that ISIS has killed thousands of Muslims. That is their problem, not mine.
4. Pakistan
We Indians had so many kings and emperors in the past. Do you remember any of them for the work they did? For example do you know India was the richest country in the world under Akbar the Great. Do you talk about the religious tolerance in his kingdom. No. What you remember is the wars he waged, and ones we want to believe he lost. Even the world wars, what we know is who won, who lost, not the number of dead or the nuclear bombing or the misery the war unleashed on millions of people. Everybody loves a war. Modi promises one every now and then against an enemy who keeps needling us.
5. General knowledge
For us in school, social studies, for that matter any subject, was boring. Modi has made them exciting. Now we merrily discuss how Jawaharlal Nehru, that scoundrel of the highest order, backstabbed Subhas Chandra Bose, Sardar Patel and Mahatma Gandhi, all in one go. The study of history was never as thrilling as it is now. Forget that, we on social media now discuss the Aryan migration theory vs Aryan invasion theory vs the export of vedas theory. Had Sonia Gandhi been the PM, we would have been taking down pizza recipes from Internet.
6. Entertainment
Modi gives us tax-free entertainment. No need to get into a car, go to the multiplex, book tickets for hundreds of rupees, needlessly munch butter-soaked popcorn. Now we eat home-made pakodas with chai while watching Rockstar Modi live on TV from wherever he is. There are times I get so thrilled by the stunts, I start shouting ‘Modi, Modi’.
7. Modi speaks our language
Manmohan Singh, though from a humble background, spoke like an intellectual. He will talk about fiscal deficit, current account deficit, mortgage crisis, in a language ordinary people can’t use or understand. May be he did it on purpose so that Rahul Gandhi doesn’t understand either. Modi is not like that. What he wants he says upfront. He cracks jokes, which many find distasteful. See every joke comes at someone’s expense, sometimes at autistic kids’, other times at women’s. But that is how we people talk. The only thing Modi hasn’t said and the only joke he hasn’t cracked is the MC-BC variety we use liberally. Modi is one among us.
My third double large down, I feel like Karan Johar after his toast. I am going to take the fourth one now.
1. Modi an inspiration for the average student
Modi comes from a humble background. You will say Manmohan too was a poor chap, a victim of partition who rebuilt his life, secured a doctorate in economics from Cambridge or Oxford or wherever, headed the central bank of India and went on to become the Prime Minister. That is the difference. Modi did none of that and yet became the Prime Minister. He is an inspiration for the millions of average students like us who have grown up suffering lectures from our parents on the importance of studies. ‘Learn English and maths and you are through,’ was the common refrain. Now we know all that was not needed. If I may say, Modi is the Bill Gates of politics.
2. Muslims have been shown their place
I ask those lecturing about secularism why should I bother about Muslims. I hardly meet any in the offices I work or where I live. I hear their population is rising. Whatsapp tells me they are always plotting something or the other. The Modi govt has shown them their place, and it doesn’t add to much. No more minority vote bank deciding who rules India. Before you accuse me of Islamophobia, let me make it clear I like the biryanis, kababs, haleem and mutton barra they make.
3. The myth of saffron terror
Hindus don’t commit acts of terror. They only lynch or murder. Terrorism is the sole preserve of Muslims. You doubt me? Look around the globe. The US, Europe, Sri Lanka… A few people argue Muslims are the largest victims of terrorism, that ISIS has killed thousands of Muslims. That is their problem, not mine.
4. Pakistan
We Indians had so many kings and emperors in the past. Do you remember any of them for the work they did? For example do you know India was the richest country in the world under Akbar the Great. Do you talk about the religious tolerance in his kingdom. No. What you remember is the wars he waged, and ones we want to believe he lost. Even the world wars, what we know is who won, who lost, not the number of dead or the nuclear bombing or the misery the war unleashed on millions of people. Everybody loves a war. Modi promises one every now and then against an enemy who keeps needling us.
5. General knowledge
For us in school, social studies, for that matter any subject, was boring. Modi has made them exciting. Now we merrily discuss how Jawaharlal Nehru, that scoundrel of the highest order, backstabbed Subhas Chandra Bose, Sardar Patel and Mahatma Gandhi, all in one go. The study of history was never as thrilling as it is now. Forget that, we on social media now discuss the Aryan migration theory vs Aryan invasion theory vs the export of vedas theory. Had Sonia Gandhi been the PM, we would have been taking down pizza recipes from Internet.
6. Entertainment
Modi gives us tax-free entertainment. No need to get into a car, go to the multiplex, book tickets for hundreds of rupees, needlessly munch butter-soaked popcorn. Now we eat home-made pakodas with chai while watching Rockstar Modi live on TV from wherever he is. There are times I get so thrilled by the stunts, I start shouting ‘Modi, Modi’.
7. Modi speaks our language
Manmohan Singh, though from a humble background, spoke like an intellectual. He will talk about fiscal deficit, current account deficit, mortgage crisis, in a language ordinary people can’t use or understand. May be he did it on purpose so that Rahul Gandhi doesn’t understand either. Modi is not like that. What he wants he says upfront. He cracks jokes, which many find distasteful. See every joke comes at someone’s expense, sometimes at autistic kids’, other times at women’s. But that is how we people talk. The only thing Modi hasn’t said and the only joke he hasn’t cracked is the MC-BC variety we use liberally. Modi is one among us.
My third double large down, I feel like Karan Johar after his toast. I am going to take the fourth one now.
Saturday, 20 April 2019
Sunday, 31 March 2019
Lucifer: Forgive them not for they knew exactly what they were doing
We all dream of doing something in life which is extraordinary, which sometimes is beyond us.
Sachin Tendulkar grew up dreaming of batting like Vivian Richards, Sehwag dreamt of batting like Tendulkar, I dream of writing like M P Narayana Pillai, quite a few of us dream of becoming a chowkidar.
Superstar Prithviraj Sukumaran dreamt of becoming a filmmaker like Shaji Kailas.
And he does that by imitating Amal Neerad.
Before going for the film I wondered why would the film be 3 hours long. Now I know why. Much of Lucifer is Stephen Nedumpally (Mohanlal) in slow motion. He walks in slow motion, he fights in slow motion, he smiles in slow motion, he gets angry in slow motion, luckily he hadn't any chance to romance. A few steamy kiss scenes in slow motion may have been some relief though.
Now Prithviraj has to realise that to make a film like Shaji Kailas, you need a script writer like Ranjith. May be he didn't get him, so he settled for Murali Gopi, who probably dreams of writing a script like Ranjith.
After Odiyan, a lot of film buffs were describing Manju Warrier as an ageless beauty. Lucifer dispels that myth. She is aging like we all do.
The film is about dynasty politics. And it comes in the middle of elections. It also pokes the CPM for its violent politics. These are the two pressing issues Kerala faces, and probably India. The film makes a passing reference to a so called horde of religious fundamentalists knocking on the doors of Kerala, which is being used as an excuse for money making by the villainous politicians of the state.
You know where the writer's sympathies lay, no issues with that.
My request to Mohanlal and Prithviraj fans: forgive them not for they knew exactly what they were doing.
If any Mohanlal or Prithviraj fanatic is upset with this review, all I say is "Po mone Dinesha" for want of a better dialogue to borrow from Stephen Nedumpally.
Sachin Tendulkar grew up dreaming of batting like Vivian Richards, Sehwag dreamt of batting like Tendulkar, I dream of writing like M P Narayana Pillai, quite a few of us dream of becoming a chowkidar.
Superstar Prithviraj Sukumaran dreamt of becoming a filmmaker like Shaji Kailas.
And he does that by imitating Amal Neerad.
Before going for the film I wondered why would the film be 3 hours long. Now I know why. Much of Lucifer is Stephen Nedumpally (Mohanlal) in slow motion. He walks in slow motion, he fights in slow motion, he smiles in slow motion, he gets angry in slow motion, luckily he hadn't any chance to romance. A few steamy kiss scenes in slow motion may have been some relief though.
Now Prithviraj has to realise that to make a film like Shaji Kailas, you need a script writer like Ranjith. May be he didn't get him, so he settled for Murali Gopi, who probably dreams of writing a script like Ranjith.
After Odiyan, a lot of film buffs were describing Manju Warrier as an ageless beauty. Lucifer dispels that myth. She is aging like we all do.
The film is about dynasty politics. And it comes in the middle of elections. It also pokes the CPM for its violent politics. These are the two pressing issues Kerala faces, and probably India. The film makes a passing reference to a so called horde of religious fundamentalists knocking on the doors of Kerala, which is being used as an excuse for money making by the villainous politicians of the state.
You know where the writer's sympathies lay, no issues with that.
My request to Mohanlal and Prithviraj fans: forgive them not for they knew exactly what they were doing.
If any Mohanlal or Prithviraj fanatic is upset with this review, all I say is "Po mone Dinesha" for want of a better dialogue to borrow from Stephen Nedumpally.
Saturday, 23 March 2019
Chowkidar Narayanoski Kieślowski is a Modi bhakt. Here is why
I am Jasoos Narayanoski Kieślowski. Over the last five years I have been watching from miles away a rare talent bloom in India.
First I was dismissive, then skeptical, but now I am a converted bhakt.
If there is one person I would pick to make a film to save my life , it would be Narendra Damodardas Modi. The best part is while his direction might look like Bollywood masala, if you keep watching again and again, the production will grow on you, and you get to see the deeper art, economics and politics of it all.
Now more than art and politics, I am more impressed by his innovative economics.
He will scrap 500 and 1000 rupee notes in the same way he finishes a piece of dhokla. He will kill jobs surveys, he will change growth calculation parameters -- like Kudiyan paramu finishes a double large in a single gulp.
There is a method in this madness.
Even I, despite all my powers of deduction and seduction, would have missed the big picture. After weeks of drinking whiskeys -- didn’t I tell you I have stopped drinking rum for health reasons -- and smoking joints, everything became clear, crystal clear.
Now I will clear your doubts one by one.
Let us take jobs for instance. We all agree maximum jobs are in the informal sector. The NSSO survey doesn’t cover it as well as it should. Yesterday at the maidan I saw a harmless game of cricket between Mulla XI and Sanghi XI - these days that is how they name their teams. And they were playing for money. It was a clear economic activity at the end of which one side would get richer by 1000 rupees, the other poorer by 1000 rupees. A proper business transaction with a profit and loss balance sheet which has not been recorded by any official mechanism.
Or for that matter the three people who were playing cards for money. Do you think any man ow woman with self-respect man would admit he earns his living playing teen patti. Does NSSO survey capture all this? Nah.
And why this obsession with money. Every bit of action and inaction has an economic value. A man sleeping in the park gets mental piece which definitely is worth the 1000 or 2000 rupees he would have otherwise earned doing some other work. By that logic sleeping on the park bench qualifies to be a job. And it definitely needs to reflect on GDP numbers, job surveys and happiness index.
You may laugh at Modi but at your own risk. His theory of climate change was derided when he proposed it to the international community, but a recent study has proved what he said beyond any doubt. The pathbreaking research has found climate change doesn’t affect human beings as they just adapt to the changes. For instance if the winter gets longer they just buy a few more sweaters or if the summers get hotter, they buy a few more air-conditioners. Homo sapiens may later grow fur or shed skin as the case might be.
Modi right now is spearheading the world’s biggest job generation exercise, hitherto unseen. At a scale never imagined before.
Let me explain.
The first thing that came to Modi’s notice when he came to power was India’s manufacturing that was in dire straits. He immediately started work on it by promoting chaiwalas. Suddenly there was a spurt in business, people lined up to sell tea. But that wasn’t enough. So he promoted pakodewalas.
There might be people who label these as services but in reality it is manufacturing. It doesn’t matter if we make pakodas or Rafale jets or super computers as long as we make something.
The economic model however was not sustainable. We had two sets of manufacturers who had started bartering in the absence of real customers.
India needed a leap in the services sector. That is where chowkidars fit in. Now we have a whole new class that will buy stuff manufactured by chaiwalas and pakorewalas.
Chowkidars were the missing piece in the Modinomics riddle.
The best part is every citizen gets to become a chowkidar. Just imagine Chowkidar Bhiku, a beggar by profession, walking up to Chowkidar Ambani or Chowkidar Adani, put his arms around their shoulders, and say “Tumhari chowkidari kaise chal rahi hai?” And they would reply with all humility and respect, “Modiji ke kripa se bahut achchi chal rahi hai.” All this under the watchful eyes of Chowkidar Yeddyurappa and Chowkidar Arun Jaitley.
Politicians, business tycoons, rape suspects, scamsters, racketers, teachers, honest tax payers, honest tax evaders, poets, actors, singers, underworld gangsters… all under one roof.
The chowkidari system is the biggest social experiment the world has seen.
Modi has achieved in five years what the Communists and Gandhians toiled for a century and failed. He certainly deserves a Nobel for entire economics.
First I was dismissive, then skeptical, but now I am a converted bhakt.
If there is one person I would pick to make a film to save my life , it would be Narendra Damodardas Modi. The best part is while his direction might look like Bollywood masala, if you keep watching again and again, the production will grow on you, and you get to see the deeper art, economics and politics of it all.
Now more than art and politics, I am more impressed by his innovative economics.
He will scrap 500 and 1000 rupee notes in the same way he finishes a piece of dhokla. He will kill jobs surveys, he will change growth calculation parameters -- like Kudiyan paramu finishes a double large in a single gulp.
There is a method in this madness.
Even I, despite all my powers of deduction and seduction, would have missed the big picture. After weeks of drinking whiskeys -- didn’t I tell you I have stopped drinking rum for health reasons -- and smoking joints, everything became clear, crystal clear.
Now I will clear your doubts one by one.
Let us take jobs for instance. We all agree maximum jobs are in the informal sector. The NSSO survey doesn’t cover it as well as it should. Yesterday at the maidan I saw a harmless game of cricket between Mulla XI and Sanghi XI - these days that is how they name their teams. And they were playing for money. It was a clear economic activity at the end of which one side would get richer by 1000 rupees, the other poorer by 1000 rupees. A proper business transaction with a profit and loss balance sheet which has not been recorded by any official mechanism.
Or for that matter the three people who were playing cards for money. Do you think any man ow woman with self-respect man would admit he earns his living playing teen patti. Does NSSO survey capture all this? Nah.
And why this obsession with money. Every bit of action and inaction has an economic value. A man sleeping in the park gets mental piece which definitely is worth the 1000 or 2000 rupees he would have otherwise earned doing some other work. By that logic sleeping on the park bench qualifies to be a job. And it definitely needs to reflect on GDP numbers, job surveys and happiness index.
You may laugh at Modi but at your own risk. His theory of climate change was derided when he proposed it to the international community, but a recent study has proved what he said beyond any doubt. The pathbreaking research has found climate change doesn’t affect human beings as they just adapt to the changes. For instance if the winter gets longer they just buy a few more sweaters or if the summers get hotter, they buy a few more air-conditioners. Homo sapiens may later grow fur or shed skin as the case might be.
Modi right now is spearheading the world’s biggest job generation exercise, hitherto unseen. At a scale never imagined before.
Let me explain.
The first thing that came to Modi’s notice when he came to power was India’s manufacturing that was in dire straits. He immediately started work on it by promoting chaiwalas. Suddenly there was a spurt in business, people lined up to sell tea. But that wasn’t enough. So he promoted pakodewalas.
There might be people who label these as services but in reality it is manufacturing. It doesn’t matter if we make pakodas or Rafale jets or super computers as long as we make something.
The economic model however was not sustainable. We had two sets of manufacturers who had started bartering in the absence of real customers.
India needed a leap in the services sector. That is where chowkidars fit in. Now we have a whole new class that will buy stuff manufactured by chaiwalas and pakorewalas.
Chowkidars were the missing piece in the Modinomics riddle.
The best part is every citizen gets to become a chowkidar. Just imagine Chowkidar Bhiku, a beggar by profession, walking up to Chowkidar Ambani or Chowkidar Adani, put his arms around their shoulders, and say “Tumhari chowkidari kaise chal rahi hai?” And they would reply with all humility and respect, “Modiji ke kripa se bahut achchi chal rahi hai.” All this under the watchful eyes of Chowkidar Yeddyurappa and Chowkidar Arun Jaitley.
Politicians, business tycoons, rape suspects, scamsters, racketers, teachers, honest tax payers, honest tax evaders, poets, actors, singers, underworld gangsters… all under one roof.
The chowkidari system is the biggest social experiment the world has seen.
Modi has achieved in five years what the Communists and Gandhians toiled for a century and failed. He certainly deserves a Nobel for entire economics.
Monday, 4 March 2019
Modi is Douglas Jardine and Bradman rolled into one
Elections are to Narendra Modi what runs were to Sir Donald Bradman. Except, cricket was a gentleman’s game then, and there was never anything gentlemanly about politics.
Modi will do anything to win elections. He will stand tall one second, he will stoop low the next.
The airstrike on Balakot marked a big shift in India’s strategy in the fight against terror and its chief sponsor Pakistan. For the first time Indian Air Force jets crossed the line of control since 1971. But for the BJP, it wasn’t good enough. They needed to a put number to the kill, a number good enough for their 56 chaathi leader. So they said 300 terrorists killed, though the govt officially never mentioned it.
That is Modi’s style. Now endless memes and fake news videos will be circulated in the most effective election tools of our age, that is Whatsapp and Facebook.
And people generally believe whatever they get on whatsapp. 2019 could well be an election which will be decided by fake news and innuendos.
That much is evident from Modi’s statements since the air raid. He is already asking people ‘are you with us or them’, bracketing the opposition with terrorists. No one has done this before, probably no one will do later.
The opposition’s challenge is to find a leader who can pay Modi back in the same coin. Someone who can be as mean, as arrogant, as angry, and at times as witty as Modi. And that somebody must speak Hindi. Hindi heartland is where the BJP needs to be defeated if opposition fancies any chance of winning power.
What are their options then?
Nitish Kumar was a good bet, but he chose to sleep with the enemy.
Lalu Yadav could have done it, but he is in jail.
Akhilesh Yadav has the ability, but his popularity is restricted to UP.
Kanhaiya Kumar can do it, but he is in the wrong party, and lacks stature.
You are left with Rahul Gandhi.
Rahul has many strengths. He appears sincere, has a boyish charm. He has his weaknesses too. He can’t be mean even if he wanted to. He can’t be witty, that doesn’t come naturally to him.
They are left with one person who could do the job. Priyanka Vadra. For some strange reason the Congress has restricted her to some 35 seats in UP, where they in any case don’t stand a chance to win much. Any gain the Congress makes there will only weaken the SP-BSP and help the BJP. The party is saving its brahmastra for bigger battles ahead which makes one wonder what can be a bigger fight than the Lok Sabha election.
Like I said, votes are to Modi, what runs were to Bradman.
Modi however is more than that. He doesn’t play by the rules. Modi wants to make the 2019 elections presidential. He is telling the voter, it is either me or that dimwit Rahul. To hammer this message, he can go to any extent. He will call Rahul mentally retarded, that is what he meant when he called his rival dyslexic, pardon his ignorance and insensitivity. He will call Rahul anti-national, don’t be surprised if one of these days he calls him a terrorist as well.
Whatsapp and social media have made politics as thrilling as a Twenty20 match. And just like we appreciate Virat Kohli giving it back to the Aussies, society as a whole, especially middle class, like the crass sledging Modi and his teammates indulge in.
Modi is ready to play dirty to win a match, whether it is underarm bowling or bodyline bowling. Modi is Douglas Jardine and Bradman rolled into one. Now that is a combo hard to match, tough to beat.
Modi will do anything to win elections. He will stand tall one second, he will stoop low the next.
The airstrike on Balakot marked a big shift in India’s strategy in the fight against terror and its chief sponsor Pakistan. For the first time Indian Air Force jets crossed the line of control since 1971. But for the BJP, it wasn’t good enough. They needed to a put number to the kill, a number good enough for their 56 chaathi leader. So they said 300 terrorists killed, though the govt officially never mentioned it.
That is Modi’s style. Now endless memes and fake news videos will be circulated in the most effective election tools of our age, that is Whatsapp and Facebook.
And people generally believe whatever they get on whatsapp. 2019 could well be an election which will be decided by fake news and innuendos.
That much is evident from Modi’s statements since the air raid. He is already asking people ‘are you with us or them’, bracketing the opposition with terrorists. No one has done this before, probably no one will do later.
The opposition’s challenge is to find a leader who can pay Modi back in the same coin. Someone who can be as mean, as arrogant, as angry, and at times as witty as Modi. And that somebody must speak Hindi. Hindi heartland is where the BJP needs to be defeated if opposition fancies any chance of winning power.
What are their options then?
Nitish Kumar was a good bet, but he chose to sleep with the enemy.
Lalu Yadav could have done it, but he is in jail.
Akhilesh Yadav has the ability, but his popularity is restricted to UP.
Kanhaiya Kumar can do it, but he is in the wrong party, and lacks stature.
You are left with Rahul Gandhi.
Rahul has many strengths. He appears sincere, has a boyish charm. He has his weaknesses too. He can’t be mean even if he wanted to. He can’t be witty, that doesn’t come naturally to him.
They are left with one person who could do the job. Priyanka Vadra. For some strange reason the Congress has restricted her to some 35 seats in UP, where they in any case don’t stand a chance to win much. Any gain the Congress makes there will only weaken the SP-BSP and help the BJP. The party is saving its brahmastra for bigger battles ahead which makes one wonder what can be a bigger fight than the Lok Sabha election.
Like I said, votes are to Modi, what runs were to Bradman.
Modi however is more than that. He doesn’t play by the rules. Modi wants to make the 2019 elections presidential. He is telling the voter, it is either me or that dimwit Rahul. To hammer this message, he can go to any extent. He will call Rahul mentally retarded, that is what he meant when he called his rival dyslexic, pardon his ignorance and insensitivity. He will call Rahul anti-national, don’t be surprised if one of these days he calls him a terrorist as well.
Whatsapp and social media have made politics as thrilling as a Twenty20 match. And just like we appreciate Virat Kohli giving it back to the Aussies, society as a whole, especially middle class, like the crass sledging Modi and his teammates indulge in.
Modi is ready to play dirty to win a match, whether it is underarm bowling or bodyline bowling. Modi is Douglas Jardine and Bradman rolled into one. Now that is a combo hard to match, tough to beat.
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